Brittany's Articles
by mykindofparty
Summary: Jacob convinces Brittany to write an article for the school newspaper as an April Fool's joke. What he doesn't know is maybe he should proofread it first. As a result of her first article, she gets asked to join the newspaper staff. ABANDONED.
1. April 2010

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

[Insert title]

By: Cheerios Brittany

Guest articleer... it's like a balladeer….right?

Jacob, I was surprised when you asked me to write an article for the McKinley Gazelle. I always thought that was a deer, even though our mascot is the Titans, but actually it's the newspaper? I'm really happy you chose me to be in your April First issue although I don't know why you'd dedicate a whole gazelle to that wacky lady they named the auditorium after. But I guess not too much goes on in Lima, so hopefully there will be a Brittany First issue! I bet a lot more people would read it than April's issue. I think she was only popular 'cause she's old and my mom says I'm supposed to be nice to the elderly. She was kinda dumb though. I knew the right answer to the question she missed in Spanish. Santana helped me study. Lotsa people in glee club like April though. I guess I do too. She must be super awesome to have her own roller rink, auditorium, and gazelle.

Jacob, what do I do now? You told me to write a 250 word article and at first I thought that meant I got clothes, but I looked it up in the dictionary. And I thought recipes were confusing! I don't know anything else to say about April. It's March right now… April starts on April first. Oh! I remember April 1st is April Fools Day. Santana's got something planned for you, Jacob. Cow pies, yum! She's so sweet! 247, 248… The end!


	2. May 2010

Hi I'm Back

By

Regular

Wow I think people were really impressed by my articleer skills! Anyway, Jacob told me I am now officially on the newspaper. I asked him if joining the staff in May was a little weird, but he told me that even nerds need a good laugh sometimes and here I am! He also told me I didn't have to address him directly, but to be honest I don't actually want to go to his house. Miss Pillsbury said she was pretty perturbed by what I wrote last time, so I just want to thank her for encouraging me! Thanks!

So as you know it's almost the end of the school year, which doesn't make sense because I always thought that was in January, or maybe December, but that means it's finals time! So here are a few tips I came up with to help you!

cheat

don't draw sombreros

pretend to choke on your Master Cleanse and then go to the bathroom where you stashed your book before class

cheat

study somebody's test

don't get caught cheating

So there you go, Gazelle readers! Those are Brittany S. Pierce's foolproof ways of passing tests. Also, maybe try writing the answers on the inside of your thigh and wear a Cheerios skirt! That's what I do most of the time.

Also, if anyone has seen my bird… you know, the one from my locker, could you please let me or Mr. Kinney, the janitor, know? Bye!


	3. June 2010

Summer Extra Credit!

By: Brittany S. Pierce

Almost Junior…if this helps me pass English

I passed everything but English! My teacher said that my writing was really good except for grammar and spelling and word choice. She was surprised when I told her I am on the newspaper staff, so she said I could have one extra credit point for each article I wrote. I needed three to pass, so I asked her if I could write something for the school's website since I needed one more. So… tada! I now **pronouns** (my teacher said I needed to work on those too) you READER of my very first online article!

Ok so she also said it could be as long as I wanted it to be so I said that's what she said, but she didn't get it. She told me it had to be a short biography of someone famous. Then she told me Santana didn't count, but I figure since this is going on the school's page, I'd write about William McKinley himself!

William McKinley was born a long, long time ago. Probably around the same time as Shakespeare or Disney. You know what would be cool? If they were neighbors. Maybe they were, but nobody knows for sure. Google maps wasn't invented back then.

William McKinley grew up to become President. idk what kind of president though, probably not Celibacy Club like Quinn. When I asked Principal Figgins, he said William McKinley was the greatest president ever. Coach Sylvester… disagreed. She disagrees with a lot of stuff.

Maybe I should have interviewed her instead.

_Ps. Special thanks to Jacob for helping me post this online!_


	4. July 2010

Delete That: The Santana Lopez Exclusive

By: Brittany S. Pierce

Best Friend Forever

Recently I sat down with my best friend, Santana Lopez and these are her stories. But it's not like Law & Order, I swear! Santana claims my English teacher was lying when she said San wasn't famous. So I promised her I'd interview her. And she agreed 'cause she's bored… So without further ado…

**Brittany S. Pierce: You look hot**

Santana Lopez: That's not a question, but thanks

**BSP: Why are you doing this interview?**

SL: Because you told me you could get this on the school's website and I want you to prove it. I think you really just have a knack for getting into trouble. But I'm pretty sure we've watched every movie you own about a million times so why not? By the way, how are you getting this on the McKinley site?

**BSP: Um… you're not gonna like it.**

SL: What did you do? And who do I have to beat up?

**BSP: I had to give Jacob a picture of us. A kind of naughty one**

SL: YOU MEAN THE…?

**BSP: Yeah the hot tub one**

SL: Britt, delete that! And get that pic back! That's private!

**BSP: Ok but I mean he's kinda creepy so he probably already made copies for all his friends and stuff**

SL: _freaking…_

**BSP: I'm just kidding! I didn't give him that one. That's hidden in a shoebox in my closet. I gave him one of us in our Cheerios uniforms. I just like teasing you!**

SL: yeah. You're a tease alright

**BSP: Well I owe you one for almost giving you a heart attack just now. Ok, I owe you a lot. Ok, I will never be able to **_fully_** repay you. Hey S, that reminds me, remember that time I wrote you a check?**

SL: the one for a million smiles? Yeah, I recall. I prefer cash.

**BSP: but I signed it with my John Handcock**

SL: Hancock, B

**BSP: Are you sure it's not **_Handcock?_** Cause it kinda reminds me of what you do -**

SL: B, just stop right there. _Delete that_. I don't even wanna know where you're going with this. I swear you will be the death of me. Ask me some normal questions.

**BSP: So… What are you involved in?**

SL: You know all this, Britt

**BSP: Yeah but the readers don't! And that is a normal question!**

SL: um… you'd have to be blind and deaf not to know I'm a Cheerio. No, not just a Cheerio. I'm the _head_ cheerio, biatch

**BSP: Yeah, but what about other stuff?**

SL: I don't do anything else… ok, ok. Fine. Stop poking me. Apparently you're not listening to what I am saying… just reading what I'm typing. Yeah, actually I _was_ trying to talk to you. I am in celibacy club and… glee club

**BSP: I just meant what do you like to do for fun… for example, hanging out with me. But was that really so hard to admit?**

SL: Delete that! No point in other people outside WMHS knowing I'm in the freaking glee club. You are incredibly infuriating sometimes.

**BSP: Yeah? Well if I make you so infurious sometimes then why do you even bother?**

SL: because you are my best friend, B. Even when you make me answer your questions for this bizarre interview that might not even make it onto the webpage. In reality I like your craziness. I don't know what I would do without you. You make me laugh like all the time. We've known each other since like forever. I'm always gonna be there for you. So quit pouting!

**BSP: Aww that's cute. You really think I'm funny?**

SL: when you're not giving away pictures of us to some scrawny nerd, yeah.

**BSP: That's like the nicest thing ever!**

SL: no offense, but you really suck at this whole "interviewing" thing

**BSP: Ok, San, what is one thing everybody should know about you?**

SL: I have a great response to that question! I LOVE my best friend Brittany! She is just so cool and amazing and she smells good. She is fierce. Fierce Pierce. I call her that. FoR rEaL. So yeah! Rainbows kitties butterflies!

**BSP: I knew it! You love me!**

SL: Brittany what the? You responded for me while I was in the bathroom? Delete that! Ok fine, you don't have to delete _that_. I know how much you love rainbows and shit. But you came up with Fierce Pierce all on your own.

**BSP: You know what else? Did you know if you write :|] on fb chat it makes a robot?**

SL: good to know, but we aren't on fb chat we're on Word… doing this poorly conducted interview. Where you type a question and I type the answer. And it seems like you aren't deleting all the things I'm asking you to delete.

**BSP: isn't Artie in the wheelchair a robot?**

SL: yep, sure is.

**BSP: I wonder what he does at home. Like what's a day in the life of robo-chair boy?**

SL: This interview is supposed to be about me, remember?

**BSP: Right, sorry. So what's a day in the life of Santana Lopez like?**

SL: Well today I woke up, went for a run. Then I took a shower and drove over to your house. And now I am answering your lame questions, B

**BSP: you forgot about the part where we made out**

SL: that was hot, but you know you gotta delete that!

**BSP: um fine yeah, I'll edit this later. Ps. Could you be more specific when you answer? My journalism teacher always says things like that. Like for example, was that shower steamy?**

SL: fine Brittany, I'll play along. You wanna know how _steamy_ my day was? Ok. When I woke up this morning, I was naked because that's how I like to sleep. So as soon as I got out of bed I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, _I need to lose a couple of pounds._ So I went for a run, but not before putting on a black sports bra and some red shorts. We don't want the readers to think I was running around naked… now do we, B?

**BSP: What about undies**

SL: don't wear 'em. I know for a fact you don't either

**BSP: yeah. You think I would though… you pants me after nationals every time**

SL: At least this year we weren't on camera. So where was I? Oh yeah, my run was making me all hot and sweaty. So when I got home I stripped down and got in that _oh so steamy_ shower

**BSP: Make out break!**

SL: fine, I swear B if any of this goes up on that site I'll five you back your friendship bracelet and NEVER speak to you again

**BSP: That was awesome! Wait, you'll **_five_** it back to me?**

SL: Typo. You know what I mean. Edit it later. Oh wait, just delete all that.

**BSP: So I also changed your facebook status while you were in the bathroom. It says, **_**If you could ask me one thing what would it be?**_

SL: And?

**BSP: Well "five" me a second and I'll look it up to see if you got any responses! Oh ok here's one: Finn H wants to know what we did with his credit card after our date at Breadstix?**

SL: Pass. Next question

**BSP: Uh… Somebody named Noah wants to know what color undies you got on, but that's easy. I'll just reply to that one real quick**

SL: DON'T! I am _not_ talking to him right now… That's Puck btw

**BSP: ok. Jacob sent you a private message on fb since you guys aren't friends. It says, **_**when can I get some more pictures of you and Brittany?**_

SL: Gross! Block him, please.

**BSP: And that concludes our interview! Thanks to Jacob again, thanks to my English teacher for passing me, and thanks to Santana Lopez for being the best BFF ever!*****


	5. August 2010

Apologies

By: Brittany S. Pierce

Sorriest Person Ever

I got into a** lot** of trouble for posting that interview onto the McKinley High Webpage. I didn't think anyone went on the McKinley High Webpage on purpose. I screwed up. Not that I'm blaming Jacob or anything, but once he read it, he told everybody by linking it to facebook and livejournal and twitter and xanga and myspace. And I know this is summer vacation and all, but apparently people still read, even when they don't have to. It's something I may never understand.

I had to talk with Principal Figgins and stuff, but Coach Sylvester made it so the article was removed from the site and all I had to do was apologize. They were gonna kick me off the newspaper staff, but I begged them to let me stay! I promised never to do it again, and Miss Pillsbury said she is going to proofread my articles from now on since Jacob wasn't doing his job. I wrote sooooo many apologies. But since this website is what got me into so much trouble in the first place, I figured I'd just share my confessions with the rest of the web.

Principal Figgins- I'm sorry that I posted the interview. It was silly for me to think I could get away with it. I mean, I told Jacob to publish it on the main page. It was recipe for disaster, but even those are confusing.

Coach Sylvester- Thank you for helping me out! I was right a couple of months ago when I said I should have interviewed you instead. I know you agree.

My English Teacher- I can never remember your name. I'm real sorry that I took advantage of the fact you were only trying to help me by allowing me to post my extra credit online. Also, I'm pretty sure you're a lady, 'cause I've always referred to you as a she before, but now that I think about it, are you a man?

Miss Pillsbury- I got out the dictionary again and looked up perturbed. I never knew you felt that way about me, but I'm sorry. I will try not to turb you from now on. You're really nice, even if you have creepy eyes. Thanks for proofreading my stuff in the future.

School- Dear McKinley High, sorry I ruined your website. It was mean and normally I'm not mean…relatively speaking. I would say it was because I was drunk, but I wasn't. Not that I drink, because I'm only 16 and a half. Actually, Santana says I'm closer to 16 and three quarters, but I don't know what 75 cents has to do with anything. So, sorry this apology is taking up your webspace as well.

Jacob- I'm sorry I got you into this. You were only trying to help me, even if it was for your own weirdo reasons. You can keep the picture of me and San in our uniforms, but stop bugging me about the hot tub one. My mom found that box in the closet and destroyed the evidence. Also, sorry I keep rejecting you as a friend on facebook. I'd get slushied if I accepted.

Lauren Zizes- I know it's random for me to be apologizing to you since I've never spoken to you, not even that time you were rounded up for the Old Maids Club. But you deserve some credit too; you are the president of the AV club. Although I don't know what that stands for, I do know you helped Jacob with this.

Mom- I owe you the biggest apology. You gave birth to me and I bet that wasn't easy so I'm sorry. Also, I'm sorry for this most recent screw up. And I'm sorry for mentioning that box in my closet that holds my most prized possessions. I shouldn't have lied to you about that picture. Me and Santana were flashing Puck in the hot tub. We didn't set the timer on the camera to take the pic like I told you at first, Puck took it, and the dummy had his finger over part of the lens. That's why you can only see half of my face. But I'm guessing you weren't too worried about my face.

Finn- I never found out what happened to your credit card. I looked in the box where I hide all my secret stuff, but then my mom came in my room. She went through it too and didn't see the card. That was the least of her worries though.

Puck- I didn't realize what your real name is. I felt silly, like that time you shaved off your mohawk and I didn't recognize you at first. But I know the hot tub pic is the background on your phone, so we're good, right? Just don't tell my mom.

_Ok I think that's all the people I need to apologize to._

Love,

Brittany

JUST KIDDING! You didn't think I forgot about Santana did you?

Santana- I am super sorry about this WHOLE thing. I know we are best friends and everything, but I feel awful about this. I should have edited it even more than I did. Although I did leave out all the really good stuff like how I got to touch your boob and how you freaked out when you saw that spider and how you were telling me about the grossest thing you've ever done. And I cut a lot when you were talking about being naked. I learned a lot from this experience, like to never EVER accept your dares. Or double dares. But I proved I could do it though! Too bad we didn't bet anything. I really hope you can forgive me because I need a favor. My mom took something away from me and I know you have a copy…


	6. September 2010

Junior Year is Hard!

By: Brittany S. Pierce

Reformed Bad Girl

_Special thanks to my editor, Miss Pillsbury_

Thanks to those who accepted my apologies, which includes everybody but Puck, and I think that's because he dropped his phone in a pool and had to get a new one. But I know I hurt a lot of people and I hope I at least made up for it a little bit. It's been a difficult time for me. Being grounded for the rest of the summer wasn't easy because I couldn't sext or even regular text. If I wanted to talk to Santana, I had to call her on our home phone. My little sister just sat in front of me and texted all her friends. I tried to trick her into giving me her cell, but she outsmarted me somehow. My mom also made me take this internet education class at the community center. While I learned a lot from the dirty old man who sat next to me, I don't remember much about the actual class. Like all summers, though, this one came to an end and now we are back in school and I already have a major complaint!

**NOBODY** told me that junior year was gonna be so hard! The very first day, my new English teacher mentioned we should all take the SATs this year and start thinking about college. Then he gave us a practice test. There were so many words! I answered every question with C so maybe I'd get an average grade. It's kind of weird how grades go from D to F, since the one time I tried to change an F to an E, my mom knew right away. I could have tried B, but then she would've been even more suspicious. The next day my teacher pulled me aside after class and said he was worried about my really low score and how it might affect me when I took the actual test. So I guess if I want to go to college I need to start working on bubbling in the other letters too. To top it all off, he assigned a paper already and told us he wanted a bibliography in advance. I asked Santana what that was and she said it was the same thing as a works sighted. But she spelled it cited. I think I might do better than her on the SATs.

Maybe colleges will want me for my articles even if I don't score high on the SAT. I'd want me. But not in like a dirty way. That's gross. I'm super glad I got to keep my spot on the newspaper staff. Jacob even told me my piece for this month could be twice as long! But I like writing now so I don't mind. I'm even thinking of starting my own blog! I don't really know who'd want to read it. I won't be telling my mom about it, that's for sure. She hasn't gone near our hot tub in like a month.


	7. Blog Entry 1

**Things I Learned About the Internet from a Bum**

**By: Brittany S. Pierce**

**First Time Blogger and Giver of Smiles**

First of all, here's the link to the unedited Santana Lopez interview

It's Brittany, bitch.

Oh come on, you didn't _really_ think I'd give up my troublemaking ways, did you? I started this blog so I could discuss all the things I'm not allowed to write about in the McKinley Gazette. Once, the paper wrote about how Finn Hudson and Quinn Fabray were dating, but that piece of gossip was about as hot as an ice cube. I'm talking about the _good_ rumors going around school, like who else is hooking up, because as we all know, the quarterback and head cheerleader never did the nasty. Well, at least not together. And I've got the 411 that sizzles. Why am I informing you of this? Keep reading.

Margaret Thatcher once said, "Being a leader is like being a lady, if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't." Let me be the first to tell you, I am neither of those things. I have no intention of being cheer captain and those notches on my bed aren't a result of me being ladylike. Therefore, I have no qualms divulging all of McKinley's dirty little secrets.

Let's start off with Schmachel Schmerry (_name changed)_. Rumor has it that she's related to hobbits and that she wears those knee socks to cover up scratches on her legs from doing dirty things in the woods behind the school. Although with her boyfriend Schminn _(name also changed) _she probably doesn't even have to get on her knees since he's so tall. Not that he has a lot going on down there anyway. Word on the street is that he-

**SANTANA! What are you doing? I was in the bathroom for like two minutes. Stop! People are going to think I wrote that! This is MY blog! Delete that!**

My, my. The tables sure have turned, haven't they, Britt? I like your blog's title, but I think you'll find mine is a more appropriate. It's called: _Revenge_ by Santana Lopez. Your little website fiasco was funny, don't get me wrong, but this opportunity was too good to pass up. Don't cry! We're still best friends, but you owe me, remember?

**Yeah, I remember. You typed all that while I was pooping? That's like a bunch of words. Usually it takes me forever to type. You're an evil genius, S. A hot one. But are you gonna delete that or what?**

No. That's the point of getting revenge. I'm not deleting it, B.

**But this blog was supposed to be about all the things I learned from that old guy in my internet education class. Could you at least change Rachel and Finn's names so no one knows who you're talking about? Although I didn't know she was from the Shire. Ok, thanks. **

No problem, B. It's really too bad you caught me before I could make up more rumors about Schmachel.

**Oh OMG that is NOT the link to your unedited interview! It's a link to 2 girls 1 cup!**

Haha yeah, I figured I'd give all the pervs out there a little treat. And that unedited interview better not surface, Britt. Because then we seriously might not be friends and I would take back the copy I gave you of the hot tub picture.

**I don't believe you because last time you said you'd give me back my friendship bracelet and you're still wearing it. Ok ok ok ok! Please put it back on! I swear I will not post the real unedited interview.**

Good. Because the edited one was bad enough. WAIT! Uncross your fingers and swear to me again. Plus, you just got your phone back from your mom. You don't want to get into trouble again, do you?

**Trouble's my middle name.**

Whatever, Susan.

**Gross. I hate the name Susan.**

I think I'm just gonna call you that from now on. Susan + Santana = Best Friends Forever

**More like Susan & Satan**

So you _do_ like being called Susan!

**No wait… I didn't mean that… turn me back into Brittany! **

Don't get your panties in a twist, Susan

**I don't wear those**

You're right, my b.

**You called me B!**

I meant my bad. Maybe I'll start calling you Sue.

**Like Coach? No thanks. I want to be Brittany again. Brittany Susan Pierce. **

If I remember correctly, you also tried to convince people I call you Fierce Pierce.

**FINE! I will not EVER publish the unedited interview as long as you keep calling me Brittany. I swear, cross my heart and hope to die.**

That's more like it, Brittany. You really aren't very good at being bad, just so you know.

**Yeah, I know. My mom says you're much better at it. That's why she gave me my phone back already. I'm good by comparison. She was going to keep it until Christmas.**

Really? What if she needed to call you before then?

**You're always with me. She knows your number by heart, just like I do! She also has your parents on speed dial because she says that if I'm in a sticky situation, then you probably caused it. But I'm glad I have my phone back, because I missed texting. It's like my thumbs had nothing to do.**

None of that surprises me. I could definitely teach you to be bad if you wanted to learn.

**The last thing I need is to get my phone taken away again, S**

So don't get caught! We took the hot tub pic summer after freshman year and you kept that a secret for over a year. That's a pretty good start. But don't you want to get revenge on your sister for taunting you?

**I already did! I switched her best friend and her crush's numbers in her phone. Then I took the sim card out and hid it.**

Brittany! If you took the sim card out, then she'll never know you did the switch! Put it back in her phone then put your number under her crush's name. That way we can text her pretending to be him. Otherwise, she'll figure it out pretty quick.

**True. She did outsmart me last time I tried to trick her. I played a prank on my mom though! It worked. I convinced her that my car could talk.**

How'd you do that, B?

**There's this app on my ipod that talks for you! You can type in anything you want. So I plugged it into my car and made it say silly things to her. Like penis.**

That's…lame. You should stick to being unintentionally funny.

**Hey! I just read the first part of the blog again. You don't think I'm a lady? I have boobs and other lady stuff. We give each other lady kisses.**

Britt, you are most definitely a female. But a lady? Not so much. Don't be sad though, because I'm not one either. And… what can I say to make you feel better?

**Tell me I'm hot.**

You're hot

**All better! By the way, is the newspaper really the McKinley Gazette? **

Yeah it is, B. Why do you ask?

**Oh no reason. Just that people are going to know right away I didn't write that first part.**


	8. Blog Entry 2

**Sneaking Out, Making Out, and Partying in a Cow Town**

**By: Brittany S. Pierce**

**Wild Child**

**Special Guest Appearance by: Santana Lopez! **

**So… it seems I've been issuing a lot of apologies lately. Like more than I ever have in my entire life. I don't even apologize this much when I'm praying. Anyway, to Rachel and Finn- I am really sorry we didn't do a better job of hiding your identities. Also, Rachel, I now know you're not related to Frodo. Plus, I like your knee socks. I hope you both can forgive us and that you find your credit card soon, Finn. You probably should've cancelled it by now, you goob. Ok, Santana, it's your turn to say you're sorry!**

I'm sorry Finn and Rachel. Go sing about it or something and it'll be all better. B, can we at least take a few shots now? We need to start getting ready to go out.

**Yeah there's stuff in the kitchen already. Don't forget the chasers! With that in mind, I am totally over trying to be a good girl. It was just a phase anyway. So what does every cool teenager do in Lima, Ohio on a Friday night? That's what I am here to tell you! I'm an expert at partying. Lima is like the smallest town ever though, so there's not much to do. Sure, we have a movie theater and a mall and a bowling alley, but those things get boring after a while. And expensive because I don't have a job. My mom only gives me my weekly allowance when she doesn't have to talk to Miss Pillsbury on the phone. There have been quite a few incidents lately so you'd think I'd be broke. But my little sister always gets her allowance and ever since I learned the art of blackmail, she is scared I'll tell Mom she's been sexting! So she gives me her money. But really it is just me and San pranking her. But she doesn't know that. So don't tell her.**

Britt, you got really off topic. But first take this shot with me.

**Oh right! Things to do in Lima. My favorite thing to do on the weekends is to get drunk in the hot tub with San, but my second fav is going to house parties, like we're doing tonight! My mom usually works at night so it's no problem for us to sneak out, except when we have to babysit my sister. When that happens, we have hot tub parties after she goes to bed. But my sister is pretty popular and gets invited to sleepovers all the time. At least I can say I taught her something!**

**The actual parties are usually pretty fun. Sometimes they're at Puck's house which is really close to mine. He's always trying to make his parties interesting like the time he held a jello wrestling contest. It came down to me and S, and I almost chickened out before we started because she fights dirty.**

I didn't fight dirty with you, B

**Yeah, I know you didn't do it on purpose, but you did scratched me**

Like barely grazed your arm with my nail. It didn't even leave a mark, I remember it clearly.

**I guess I was kinda distracted by your hotness.**

I mean, I am hot. You were pretty distracting too, but mostly because you had green jello coming out your ears. I'm just kidding. You looked good too. And you won, B.

**Yeah, but only because you let me. And the prize was not that great either. I think you were supposed to win. That's why I gave you that certificate.**

You mean the piece of construction paper that said _good for one free night at the motel with Puck_? I think he would have been happy no matter who won considering the competition was invitation only. I have yet to take him up on that offer.

**Oh ok. He's hot, but he's so gross.**

Says the girl with 30 notches on her bedpost ;) He's one of them, remember?

**Yeah, well so are you :)**

I'm not just any notch though. I may not have been the first, but I was the _best_.

**You're right, you are the best. First is the worst anyway. It was one and done. **

**Hey! Wanna hear a joke, San?**

Um, thanks but no thanks, Britt. I've heard all of them. There are only so many Popsicle stick jokes. And knock-knock jokes. And one liners. The worst was when you texted me the interrupting cow one.

**It's cool! So readers, what's one thing every good party needs? (Besides me of course!). The answer is alcohol! What's that you say? I'm only sixteen and eleven twelfths? Yes, you are correct. But it's so not hard for a teenager to get alcohol. Especially popular pretty girls like us. I have a number of sources. For example, the creeper from my summer class. Also, Puck always provides a bunch of beer for everybody, but he also knows what me and San like so he usually gets us something special. Anyway, Patches the homeless dude goes to the liquor store for us too. One time I got Mr. Kinney to get stuff. Also that guy Howard from Sheets n Things. Coach Tanaka after his mental breakdown. Kendra. Josh Groban. Dakota Stanley. Doctor Wu. That waitress at Breadstix who hates us. Clowns. The MILF who hooks up with Puck after he cleans her pool. The guy who owns the liquor store as long as I flash him out in the alleyway away from the security camera. Tinkles. Bryan Ryan. Dr. Lopez.**

My dad?

**Yeah he gives me all the alcohol I want from his cabinet in the garage. He doesn't give you any?**

No! But I am impressed. You could get just about anybody to do anything.

**Like you! You do lots of stuff for me**

Yeah, B. I do things for you because I want to. Not because I have to. But if you were to flash me, I wouldn't complain.

**Aww you're making me blush! Do I need to hurry up?**

You know what? I changed my mind. Let's take our time. Everyone knows the party doesn't start until we walk in. We get there late, we get trashed, we get our mack on, we gtfo before the cops come. That's all anybody needs to know.

**Oh. Well maybe we should have started the blog with that. Next time you hear from us, we might just be a little drunk! Yay!**


	9. Warning: We Drunk

You my best frahn

Bye: Santanas Slopez & Brittany S. Pears

Drunk as funk

* * *

BRITTANY! You _have_ to come and blog with me! It is so much fun! I know you hear me typin. Quit starin at my boobs and get over here!

**It's so loud I could hear you from outer space. S… I thought you hated my blog. Slopez. haha. That's funny. hey! I'm not brittany pears. but I do like fruit. how you spelling so good? I cant spell that good sobber.**

Spell check, Bee. I don't hate the blog. I kinda like being able to say what's on my mind. Im just a very opinionated person… I didn't spell that right the first time. U know what? Let's tub

**Tub? of the hot variety? You are my best friend. Ahhh! I did it! I used smell checkkkkkkkk**

Yay B! hahaahahahahaha. Smell check. That's like b4 you go out you gotta sniff your pits.

**Yeah lets go tub. Haha quit sniffing me! We be back though**

**

* * *

**

**Dry ur hands 1st. b/c I didn't and now the kayboard is all wet**

how did we get hear/ We prob shouldn't have drank even more down at the tub

**You my vest friend!**

Yeah you are too B

**No listen… You. Myy. Vest. Friend. Ever. I love you Fantana.**

I luvs you too Bratt… Brattany? Britsy? Bratty… I forgot how to spell your name

**Hey let's take some pix**

No no. ok. No topless though. Ok you put your face next to mine like that, ok? Bratty! Whatt the hell?

**I wantta makeout. 50 pix makin out. You my bess friend. My very bess.**

I just really wannta sing you a song now…idk what for, but at the same time I kind of understand why schmachel randomly bursts out in song

**MMMMMMMMMM. that was good. My beast friend got a good singer voice. You hot, fantantana. You should get more solos. Ok I got a question. Who would win in a dance off: me or Aphasia?**

Wat the hell? You can spell Aph… Afa... her name, but you can't spell best anymore? You would win though

**What bout in a fight/**

Her. Duh. But then I'd beat her up so it's good. Well actually she wouldn't even get one swing at you b4 I came to save tha day. I'd kick her asssssssssss haha

**She is bootylicious. I'm glad ppl think I'm funny. I used to be the only one who thought I was funny**

I think you are funny. Everythin is just so funny.! Tell me a joke

**Knockknock**

Who's there

**Interruptin cow**

Interrupting c-

**MOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Did you really have to tickle me so you could write moo? That's cheatin

**Yeah. How else was I gonna distract you**

I can think of a lot of things

**To quote my favorite person ever: **_wanky_**! Yeah I thought of other stuff too but my best plan wouldn't work cuz I don't have any Breadstix**

Hahahaha stop, you're making my mouth water

**That's wht she said! But srsly, I have that effect on ppl**

Dream on!

**Yeah ur right. I only have that effect on you lol**

Whatever. Hey B, look! People actually commented on your last blog entry. Somebody thought u slept with my dad… that's… um... I... I need to go throw up

**Haha no. You are the only Slopez notch. He is pretty though. But maybe he just likes me better than you Santa, so he gives me booze. And I'm trusted with all the sLopez family secrets, duh**

What?

**Wipe your mouth first then I'll tell you lol. No I'm not kissin you! Get away from meeeeee. Go brush and Listerine or something. Then we can make out. Kgood. **

See, minty fresh

**Ha thanks a lot, mouth breather :)**

Well at least I don't snore like a dump truck

**Nah you just back that ass up like a dump truck haha**

You back my toilet up like a dump

**Well you like to hump**

True… Um… let's take a break from blogging real quick

* * *

**So yeah like I was saying before we had sex… I know secrets. That includes the combination to the safe.**

We have a safe? Is it with this supposed liquor cabinet that I didn't know about?

**No. the safe is hidden. Duh. You didn't know about the cabinet because youu never go in the garage. And your mom said you gotta wait until you are 30 to learn some of the stuff I know. So do you wanna hear the story of how your uncle met his girlfriend?**

The one who looks thirteen? She was working at a strip club

**Oh yeah I guess you know that secret too. You're my beds friend**

beds friend? Briyt I'm pretty sure that didn't make sense but then again I can't really read straight

**Well I can't read gay! hahahaa just kidding. I totes can**

Hmmmm. What other sexcrets you know about us

**Oh your grandma doesn't know bout the boob job. If she found out you would probably get cut from her will.**

WTF. Boobs and grandma don't belong in the same sentence. But I guess no drunk dialing mi abuela then

**Yeah, since your boobs are kinda all you ever talk about. Wait what? You would srsly drunk dial her?**

No, but now I have to make sure I don't mention my surgery to her. I kinda want to see how she's doinn though. Where's my phone

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOO santantaaaaaaaaaaaaas**

Haha. Shes def asleep anyway. The look on your face was so funny. Like you thought I was actually gonna call her. It was CUTEEEE

**Yeah at least wait til morning to really call. I love you best frahn**

I love you too Brittany Pears

**Let's have a dance party naked**


	10. Blog Entry 4

**A Rude Awakening**

**By: Britt Britt and San San**

**Hungover… but it was so worth it**

**LAST NIGHT WAS SO MUCH FUN!**

I don't really remember much. But I do recall having to wake up EARLY AS HELL

**Sorry. Me and San were sleeping when my phone rang. It was like six in the morning. My mom was calling to tell me to go pick up my little sis from her slumber party cause she didn't get off work for like another hour. I guess my sister had gotten sick or something.**

Forget her. I was still throwing up too.

**Yeah, but the difference is my sister wasn't drinking.**

Maybe she was…

**She's like 8!**

Kids start doing shit like that younger and younger these days.

**Yeah? You remember our first time getting drunk?**

Of course. We were 13 and we got Quinn's sister's boyfriend to get us both a six pack of Smirnoff ices. We thought we were so drunk. Then we got to high school and that wimpy shit wasn't cutting it anymore. And here we are.

**I kissed you that night haha**

Yeah, but um… let's get back to the story.

**Oh San. It's kinda ridiculous how much you love blogging with me.**

Except I don't.

**Yeah you do! Did you even read our blog from last night?**

Yeah. The one about sneaking out and Jello contests? I remember.

**No! The one we did drunk.**

Oh. I don't remember that at all…

**I looked at it. You admitted you have a crush on me.**

I did not!

**Haha no, but you do have a crush on blogging. I bet you and Jacob could talk about that forever. You two are practically soulmates! I hope I'm invited to the wedding. Oh! Can I be a bridesmaid?**

I am _not_ marrying Jacob. But if I ever do get married, you'll be my maid of honor. Come to think of it, I change my mind. I'm never getting married.

**Ok good. I think your husband might get mad if we still hooked up after the wedding. Or during.**

B… There are so many things wrong with that statement. We should probably keep going with the story.

**Right! So once I got the call I woke Santana up, which was NOT easy. Trust me. Although I don't know how we were sleeping considering the music was still blaring from our dance party. Or how I even heard my phone! But she went to barf some more and I went downstairs. Omg! We trashed the place. Well really just the kitchen and the backyard. There were bottles and um… clothing everywhere. And some half eaten burritos from Taco Bell.**

Yeah I vaguely remember getting in the hot tub.

**We were naked. Even our bras and panties were in the yard. For some reason we both wore panties last night. Probably so boys could see our thongs at the party. Well, mine was a thong. Yours were granny panties. Haha I'm just kidding! I think we were naked for most of the night after stripping down for the hot tub. Cause once we got out we blogged more, had sex, blogged more, danced naked, passed out. We had clothes on when we took pictures though because you insisted on no topless. But you still flashed the camera.**

Oh. It's starting to come back to me.

**Yeah. So while you were puking your brains out this morning, I threw all our clothes in the laundry room and cleaned up the kitchen so my mom wouldn't be mad. But she was still mad.**

Then I came downstairs and we went and got your sister blah blah blah. Get to the other stuff.

**Right! So when we got back my mom was home from work and she was pissed! She yelled at me about not doing things she asks me to do. And I said huh? Because I definitely I picked up my sister. Apparently I forgot to take out the trash.**

Your mom totally knew what we were doing last night. It's not exactly a secret. Well, except the sex. So I guess getting your phone taken away for a week for forgetting to take out the trash is the least amount of trouble you could've gotten into.

**You're right, San. So after that we went back to sleep until ten when San's parents called her. Puck had texted her like a million times and I guess since she never responded he got worried and went to her house.**

He wasn't worried. He just wanted to hook up so he snuck into my room and when he saw I wasn't there that dumbass fell asleep in my bed. My parents heard snoring and knew I was with you so they found him. That's why they called.

**But you didn't get into trouble.**

Nope, not this time. I dodged a bullet there. They really don't like Puck, but they sure as hell don't try to stop me from seeing him. But given the situation, the only thing they could do is just get over it. For all they know, we were painting our nails and watching Disney movies.

**Yeah. So that was another crisis we averted. I think you and my sister were throwing up at the same time. I went downstairs to get us some water and my mom was in the kitchen. I felt bad so I took out the trash, clinking with empties all the way to the curb. I also told her the water was for my sister so maybe she would give my phone back. She didn't.**

Ugh. Why can't you be the one who throws up? I didn't even make it back here last night before I yakked. Thanks for holding my hair by the way.

**It was classic. You barfed then acted like nothing happened. Those people sure are gonna be surprised when they open their mailbox this morning. I'm still not sure how you did it. Projectile vomit I guess.**

It seemed like a good idea at the time… Then the worst thing imaginable happened. Rachel rang the doorbell.

**Yeah. That's your opinion. Rachel was just coming by to accept our apologies. Well, my apology. I think if she had thought ahead she would've brought a slushie. Cause you were pretty mean.**

Yeah. I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying though. My head was pounding. Maybe it just seemed this way because I was hungover, but did she talk a long time? Like, even for her?

**Yeah. It was the Rachel Berry rant to end all Rachel Berry rants. I just nodded a lot. I don't really know what she said. I heard a lot of big words though and I actually knew a few of them. I've been working on my vocabulary.**

Yeah you have gotten a lot better, Brittany. you're still not going to do better than me on the SAT though.

**OH SHIT.**

What is it B?

**I was supposed to go to a SAT prep class this morning. My mom signed me up for it when she read my article about junior year in the newspaper. It started about nine hours ago. Oh wait. Seven hours ago.**

I'm sorry Britt. You should've told me yesterday. I would've remembered for you. But at least I know I'll do better than you on the math portion. Haha. This story is taking forever to tell by the way. You're up to lunchtime. You have ADD I swear.

**Hmmm. Grumpy. You even couldn't eat anything. I made myself a grilled cheese. So I was eating when the doorbell rang. It was the mailman. He asked if he could wash his hands because he said he touched something gross in another mailbox. I made out with him one time so I guess he figured I'd let him in. Which I did. He also said he had a package for me and that's when you walked in.**

Yeah. I overreacted. Sorry I kicked him out.

**It's ok I know you get real jealous ;)**

I so do not.

**I'm glad my mom and sister were both still asleep otherwise they might've been scared of the green eyed monster. AKA you.**

Ugh.

**Yeah so since it's a Saturday we really honestly considered going out again tonight, but Santana's a wimp who can't hold her liquor. In case you couldn't tell. But she spent the rest of the afternoon recovering. I looked through my camera. Hehe. Some of the pics are better than the original hot tub one. Then my mom ordered pizza for dinner and when the delivery boy checked me out, Santana gave him the evil eye.**

Kill me now.

**After pizza we went back to my room and San pushed me up agains the wall and-**

Ok I think that's enough blogging for today.

**Alright. Today was fun!**

Oh it totally sucked. What was so fun about it?

**I got to spend the day with you, Silly! The only thing I can't figure out is how we got to and from Taco Bell.**


	11. A Visit From Quinn

**A Three-Way with **_Quinn Fabray-Way_**!**

**By: Britt-Way and San-Way**

**The three best friends that anybody ever had!**

Brittany! I told you not to call it a threeway. If Puck reads this, we'll never hear the end of it. Also, you don't have to add –way to everything.

_Hold up. It's just a blog post. You need to relax, San-Way. PS. This is Brittany's blog. She can call it whatever she wants._

**Thank you, Quinn. She's right though, San. Chill. **

Ugh. The last thing I need is for you blondies to gang up on me.

**That's not what you said last night… you wanted a Santana sandwich.**

You're putting words in my mouth.

**That's not all I put in your mouth.**

_I don't want to know. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!_

UGH! Brittany, we will talk about that privately. And Q, what are you even doing here?

_I'm sorry, Santana. Obviously you want to be alone with Britt._

**Quinn, please don't go! I want to hang out with you. And like, all me and S do now is blog.**

_Actually, I know it's not all you do. But it's fine. I miss you guys. We have so many memories together._

You know what? You're right Q. Remember when we started high school and you weren't even sure you wanted to do cheerleading? But I convinced you. Then BAM, next thing I knew, you were head Cheerio. Then you got pregnant from MY boyfriend while YOUR boyfriend thought he inseminated you in a hot tub. And you even contemplated keeping the baby with Puck. Then you got back on the squad and I got demoted to the bottom of the freaking pyramid for getting a boob job. Oh and then I kicked your ass. So take those useless memories and shove them up -

**SANTANA LOPEZ. Come on, we're going to go have a little chat. Sit tight, Q. we're going to be right back.**

_They've been in the hallway for about fifteen minutes… I haven't heard them arguing in a while so they are probably making out right about now. Oh, here they come._

Let's cut to the chase. Everything I said was true, but I am going to apologize. So here it goes: I'm sorry you're so dramatic. There. I feel much better now.

_Gee thanks. I don't really know what Britt did or said to you, but you sure seem like you're in a good mood._

**Alright! Making progress. I kinda like what Quinn said earlier about having a lot of memories together and Santana already got the ball rolling on sharing some of them, so I think that's what our blog should be about.**

Good idea B. Oh, I was thinking about this one the other day. Remember the time Quinn dared you to put your makeup on without a mirror? That was so funny.

**Yeah what was even funnier was when that boy came by my house to ask me on a date and you double dared me to go downstairs looking like that! He ran away.**

Imagine that.

**He hasn't spoken to me since!**

He wasn't good enough for you. This gives me an idea… Hey Q, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

_Yeah, I think I am. Brittany… I dare you to do the Makeup without Mirrors challenge again._

**No! To this day my mom still calls me a clown. **

That's too bad because I throw old batteries at clowns.

_Ha! Britt, I double dare you._

**Hmmm. Still no!**

_Triple?_

**Triple no!**

I dare you times infinity.

**Infinity's a lot…**

_Yeah, and everyone knows you can't turn down an infinity dare._

She's right, B. So do you accept?

**Ok fine! But no pictures this time and no showing my mom!**

_Trust me when I say I do not want to look at your camera. I read your blog before I came over here._

Alright B, just sit on your bed and get started. So, Q. What fond memories do you have of me?

_None. Ok, don't pinch me. Let me see… Well, there's the time in second grade when Brittany and I were in the same class but you got put in a separate one. The second you got off the bus on the very first day, you found Whatsherface and blackmailed her into pulling a Parent Trap switch with you so you could be with us. I honestly can't believe you got away with it for a whole week._

I could've gone the whole year posing as her! Damn that open house night. Her parents just HAD to take her along with them to see how she was doing. No one would've known otherwise. B says it was the best week of second grade. Apparently that was a rough year for her. Her makeup already looks awful, by the way.

_Second grade was really tough for B. It was the first time she was in a class without you. Not to mention that was the year we met Rachel Berry. I think B is still bitter Rachel got to be Rapunzel in our class play. And Brittany was cast as Cabbage #3._

**Have to take a break from doing my makeup just to say my hair was totally longer than hers!**

And Quinn, you played the bitch, right?

_Witch, actually. But yes._

I remember my teacher wouldn't let our class see the play. I think it was mostly my fault. She didn't like me much after that chick and I switched back.

_Hmmmm. I wonder why._

**(^^^) SHARK!**

Britt! What the heck? That only works on facebook chat. BAHAHA. You should see your face. Go look in the mirror.

_You look awesome, B._

**I totally do. Haha. Now it's your turn, Q.**

_What? That was not part of the dare. We only dared you._

**Well now I dare you. Infinity.**

Quinn, you can't turn it down. You said so yourself. But after you're done with your makeup, how about you take a few naked laps around Brittany's house? All part of your infinity dare, of course.

_._

_I can't go streaking! Isn't Jacob Ben Israel your neighbor or something, B?_

**Yeah he lives a few houses down. His parents are in charge of the neighborhood watch and they told everyone to be on high alert for a sick individual who has a fetish for puking in mailboxes.**

I guess you could say they got a special delivery. So do you accept the dare or not, Quinn? Because if you don't, that individual just might be inclined to find your mailbox.

_Oh gross. I already know it was you. I read the blog beforehand, remember? Ok I accept. But I am only doing one naked lap. And no locking the door so I can't get back in._

Fine. I'm just going to lock the gate so you have to climb the fence.

_Hold up. My mom is calling me._

Ok, but as soon as you get off the phone you are completing your dare.

Britt, I think you were right. Having Q over here is actually kind of fun. Well, it's fun to tease her.

**It has been cool thinking about all the times we've had together. What's your favorite memory of me?**

The IBS story.

**That's like my least favorite part of freshman year!**

Why is that, B?

**Because all the Cheerios still laugh at me when I make a mad dash for the bathroom! The seniors on the squad called me Brittany S. Poops for the longest time.**

You know I didn't mean to divulge your secret shame, right? This one girl asked me to get Coach to stop the bus so she could go to the bathroom. I went up to the front and told Sue about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome because nothing else I tried was working. I never would've said it if I'd known she'd announce it to the rest of the team.

**Oh. I didn't know that.**

I was really only trying to help the girl… I didn't mean to sell you out in the process. I should've told Sue I had explosive diarrhea.

**Who was the girl?**

_Me._

**Really?**

Yeah. I guess since we were friends back then I didn't mind helping Quinn out.

_We're still friends! Well, frenemies._

Whatever. But do you know why it was my favorite memory of you, B?

**No… I have no idea**

I felt so guilty for telling, but by the time we got to the gas station, you'd already dried your tears. And then you whispered to me that it was ok because you could dance circles around those older girls. You're a lot tougher than you think. That's when I knew you were going to be fine and I realized that you don't always need me to protect you.

**I forgave you a long time ago, but I forgive you again. Especially now that I know you were only trying to do something nice for Quinn. But it all worked out in the end since I know you got them to quit calling me names. And you bought me a Slushie that day!**

_Yeah. I felt pretty bad about it too, B. I'm sorry you had to go through that._

**All is forgiven!**

_Well, I hate to go, but my mom needs me at home._

Guess your infinity dare will have to wait until next time, Q. And I won't forget.

**This is Brittany S. Poops saying have a wonderful day!**

_I'm Quinn Fabray and I'm a slut_

And I'm Santana Lopez, saying feel free to worship me.

**Santana! Quinn is not a slut. And quit changing my name to Poops! I still love you though.**


	12. Hey Jealousy

**Hey Jealousy**

**By: Brittany S. Pierce & **_Quinn Fabray_

"**If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down." – Gin Blossoms**

**

* * *

**

**Santana is to lizard as Puck is to sex shark. I kinda wish the SAT still had analogies. I totally rock at those. Anyway, San told me that as a lizard, she needed something warm underneath her. I like when she's on top. Now we're in a fight, though, so don't expect her name to pop up anymore in this blog. Because it's not going to happen. And just so you know, Quinn's here which is nice because I don't feel as lonely without Santana. Oh shit! Forget I said the S word. Not shit! The other one. Santana. Oops! I did it again.**

_Glad I could be here. I know you're going through a tough time._

**It really has been a hard road.**

_But you miss Santana._

**I definitely wasn't gonna say that.**

_Whatever. Personally, I think some space will do you good. You're always together. When don't you two hang out?_

**When she's with Puck, I guess. She's been ditching him a lot lately, but she made it pretty clear that once he's out of juvie she's going to redeem that "One Night at the Motel Free" card. I think she feels guilty.**

_It isn't her fault he did something stupid, so she must not feel guilty about that. Friday night he was at her house alone and Saturday night he robbed a convenience store._

**Oh. So it's because she was with me both those nights?**

_If she'd at least answered his texts, maybe he wouldn't have pulled that stunt, but she ignored him. I just can't figure out why she's so upset with you. Is it because you-_

**I'm deleting that! What are you talking about? We're BFFs. We have sex because it's fun. And Santana chose to be duet partners with Mercedes. So I picked Artie.**

_Wait. You're jealous that Santana didn't want to sing with you?_

**Duh. Why else would I be? Sex is not dating.**

_I am so tired of that phrase! I've read your blog probably ten times. You always talk about how jealous Santana is of anybody who comes near you. And you said she's been steering clear of Puck to some extent. Now she's avoiding you. What do you think that means?_

**It means her plan backfired. Now she's not gettin' any since I'm mad and the only other person she currently hooks up with is in juvie.**

_Are you kidding me? This isn't just about sex. She told you she's not in love with you because she IS. Santana is in love with you. It's reverse psychology. She's pushing you away so you'll come to her._

**HAHAHA. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I can understand trying to make me envious of her and Puck. I've totally done it with more people than her. And I get why she wanted to team up with Mercedes. Santana loves Breadstix more than life itself.**

_This is pointless. I'm not going to try and explain anymore._

**No, I understand completely. She gets protective when other people flirt with me, I become a green-eyed monster when she teams up with someone else, and she's suspicious when I get a boyfriend.**

_Exactly! _

**What's love got to do with it then?**

_You and Santana just need to figure out your feelings for each other._

**We don't really talk about feelings. We just have fun together.**

_Let me ask you something then. How did it feel when Artie dumped you?_

**Like miserable because I just wanted to make everything ok again.**

_Make it ok with Artie? Or Santana?_

**Both. I took his V card. As much as I want to, I can't give it back. It's intangible. **

_Wow B, you're taking this SAT thing seriously._

**Now that me and Santana are fighting I have more time to study my vocabulary. Omg I sound like such a nerd. When it comes down to it, I really just miss my best friend. I hate fighting with her. It reminds me of the time she told her parents I was the one who put plastic green army men inside her Easy Bake Oven. We didn't speak for like a week!**

_Brittany, you did put them in there._

**Yeah, because she told me to.**

_Well, what about the time Santana put cow pies in Jacob's locker and you inadvertently warned him in your very first newspaper article?_

**I thought cowpies were ACTUAL pies! Not poop. He was still surprised though. He didn't proofread my article. And she was only mad about that because everyone knew it was her.**

_Yeah, but that turned out to be a good thing for her, remember? It just boosted her status and Coach got her off the hook in no time. Plus, S forgave you immediately. So maybe this squabble will turn into something good too._

**This is making my head spin. Fighting is good?**

_I just mean that you two always find a way to work things out. Your fights with Santana never last because you love each other too much to let minor high school scandals or stupid duet competitions come between you._

**Are you just saying that because you and Sam won?**

_No. I'm saying it because it's true. Don't tell Santana this, but I think she deserved to win._

**I think so too. But I voted for me. I wish I could take it back though.**

_You'll find a way to make it up to her, I'm sure._

**Yeah. Uh oh. She just sent me a text. She says she knows you're here and that you better gitz gone by the time she arrives. She's on her way now.**

_Alright. I'll leave. By the way, I know she called me a slut the last time._

**Thanks for everything Quinn! You're so silly, thinking me and S are in love.**

_Neither of you see it now, but you will. _


	13. Follow You Down

OH HELLZ NO! Quinn did not just come over here and blog with you! That is our thing. Listen B, you know I don't do this angsty shit. I hate fighting with you and I really regret leaving that night. Obviously we should've talked about this instead of letting it escalate.

**It's our thing? You are so obsessed. You didn't even let me make a title! Now I'm just gonna have to add it at the end. But I'm really sorry. I just wanted to do a duet with you like the time we did a ballad. We need to kiss and make up.**

What has Quinn been saying to you? She's crazy. She kept trying to tell me something today, but I just ignored her. All I told her is that sex is not dating.

**Omg me too! I told her that. I don't think she understood. Then she tried to make it about love.**

She would try to make it about something it's not… just to piss me off.

**You're so hot when you're pissed off.**

I missed you so much. Besides, I know Quinn didn't use that Breadstix gift certificate. You were there with them right?

**Yeah kinda. I was sitting at their table but I was bored so I started playing footsie with Sam and Quinn didn't like that so I started playing footsie with her and then they got mad at me for interrupting their non-date date. So I sat at the table behind theirs and pushed meatballs around with my nose. **

What do you think it would take to get it from them?

**You're so hot when you want some Stix. Oh, I got it! Show Sam one of those pics from the other night.**

Nah. He's a goody-goody like Q. He'll just tell her and she'll cause a bigger controversy than that interview you posted on the school website. Also, she's the one who has it.

**She was really nice to me, but it's not the same as being with you.**

She refused to let you kiss her, didn't she?

**Yeah :(**

Oh well. More B for me!

**Yeah :)**

It's always been you and me and it's always going to be you and me. We'll figure out how to steal it later. So what else did you and Q talk about?

**Fights. Apparently they can be good.**

If they lead to a compromise, I guess.

**I'll try not to make you so jealous anymore.**

And I'll try not to barf when I think of you and Artie.

**I was totally jealous and it's cool because I can admit it.**

K good. Remember that time you stuck army men in my Easy Bake? We fought then.

**Uh yeah. I only did it because you told me to.**

You were the one bragging about how you were such a good baker. You said you could make a cake out of anything!

**We caught the thing on fire. No wonder I'm scarred for life from trying recipes.**

I can't believe your mom lets you near the stove now!

**Usually she has my sister supervise.**

You made that grilled cheese just fine the other day. So as an apology I thought of a game that I know you'll love. Do you want to play?

**Is it rock, paper, scissoring?**

No. But it involves music. B! Nobody can hear you clapping right now, fyi.

**You can…**

True. But here are the rules. One of us names a person and the other has to say a song or a line from a song that reminds us of that person. Oh and you gotta know who it's by.

**Question: Can I Google stuff if I can't think of anything?**

Yeah. But you only get one!

**Why not three?**

Ok. Three.

**Yay! Alright I'll go first. Susie Pepper.**

I have no idea who that is.

**You know! She's the girl who used to stalk Mr. Schue. Duh.**

Fine... Caring is Creepy by the Shins

**Ok now you pick one!**

Jesse St. James.

**Teenage Dirtbag! I think it's by Wheatus?**

Good choice.

**Hot Carl the dentist!**

Oh my God I could think of so many for him… Probably Sexyback by Justin Timberlake. It's the first one that popped into my head.

**Yes! He is so hot. My turn again!**

Artie.

**Oh. Um… ok. I'm Happy but You Don't Like Me by Asobi Seksu. I had to Google that one.**

I'm sorry B, I didn't mean to bring up any bad feelings.

**It's cool. How about Rachel?**

If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode) - People in Planes. What about Sue?

**Ain't No Rest for the Wicked – Cage the Elephant. Finn.**

I'll Be Your Lover (But I Can't be Your Baby) by the Ettes. Please tell me you have a good one for Jacob.

**You Look Better When I'm Drunk by The White Tie Affair. Quinn?**

We Used to be Friends by the Dandy Warhols. Here's a tough one… Karofsky.

**Loser Freak. **

I don't know that song…

**It's from Boy Meets World! You don't remember that episode? Eric dates this girl who makes up terrible songs but when he dumps her she writes that and they play it on the radio.**

I like it already. How does it go?

**He's a loser freak, loser freak. He's a maladjusted loser freak. He's a woman hating maladjusted loser freak. He's a loser freak, loser freak. And he doesn't like girls 'cause he's afraid of them, afraid of them! I think he likes boys if you know what I'm saying!**

Ha. I totally remember that now! Who's next?

**Puck.**

You're So Last Summer – Taking Back Sunday. Kurt?

**I love this line. It's from Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis. "So I found myself a sweetheart with the softest of hands, we were unlucky in love, but I'd do it all again."**

You'd date Kurt again? You do know why it didn't work out in the first place, right?

**I miss his beautiful lady hands…**

Remember when we promised not to make each other jealous? You fail.

**Wait you're jealous of Kurt? **

No. Forget I said anything. You know what? I'm kinda tired of this game.

**Wait! Don't quit now. What about me? What song would you use to describe me?**

Zombie by The Cranberries. I'm just kidding! Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado.

**Are you sure you don't mean Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor? Because I know that's what you're thinkin.**

Fine then. What about me?

**The first thing that popped into my head is She Wolf by Shakira. The second is Hot N Cold by Katy Perry.**

Gee thanks. If I had to pick one for myself it would probably be You Know I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse. Or Bossy by Kelis.

**And if I had to pick one for me, it would be Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield!**

That's cute, Britt.

**So who won?**

Who won what?

**The game. There has to be a winner…**

You win. You win every time, B.

**I know, right? Btw, I found Loser Freak on youtube.  
****.com/watch?v=ww4bvB6eMDI**

**Also: here's that pesky title I promised at the start of the blog:**

**

* * *

**

**Follow You Down  
****By: Brittany S. Pierce  
****Special Appearance by: Santana Lopez  
**"**Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down, anyplace but those I know by heart." –Gin Blossoms**


	14. October 2010

Halloween  
By: Jacob Ben Israel  
A Glimpse at All Hallows Eve

* * *

_Hey Dude_s! This is Brittany S. Pierce. S as in Spooky! It definitely doesn't stand for Susan. I know you're probably wondering why Jacob's name is up there. Well, this is like _Clarissa Explains it All, _Brittany edition! Miss Pillsbury thinks I wrote the gossip column for the newspaper this month, but I convinced Jacob to switch articles with me so she proofread his work instead. Sneaky, huh? I was just a little tipsy when I wrote this and I didn't want her to see. Generally when teachers notice Jacob's name on assignments they tend to avoid his stuff so I hope I get away with this. And if I've learned anything from my past indiscretions, it has to be **if you can get away with something, do it**!

Halloween is one of my top three favorite holidays. Not to mention I am obsessed with _Are You Afraid of the Dark_, even though it still scares the bejeezus out of me. Anyhow, you know like on Christmas all your presents are a surprise? Well on Halloween you're getting candy for sure and I love me some candy. I also love October since it is way better than all of the other months combined, mostly because of my birthday. Plus, Santana says my seventeenth birthday is going to be the best night I won't remember. That means we're going to get drunk.

This is how it always starts. No matter what we're doing, Santana usually _Double Dare_s, or infinity dares, me to do things to prove I got _Guts_. And while I might be _All That_, I still get in lots of trouble, although sometimes I can't _Figure it Out _as to why_._ But can you blame us? We're just _Wild and Crazy Kids_. I'm still buzzed, but the point is I love old school Nickelodeon. So _Salute Your Shorts _to my October article! And thanks to all my wonderful reviewers!

Ps. I really wanted to incorporate _Legends of the Hidden Temple, _but I didn't know how.


	15. Treasure Hunting

Treasure Hunt  
By: Brittany S. Pierce (with the occasional input of Santana Lopez)  
Legit Watcher of R-rated Movies

* * *

You guys want to hear about the most amazing birthday ever?  
If the answer is yes, then this story is not for you. I'm totally kidding! My 17th birthday was fantastic!

I woke up this morning to a text from Santana. She spent the night last night, but left really early, like at 8 AM, and decided to text me around 11. I was hoping it was a birthday sext, but all it said was _Check your mailbox. _

At first I thought maybe she threw up in it, but she would never do that to me! At least I don't think she would. So I rushed down the stairs and out the door before remembering I sleep in the nude. I continued on to my mailbox since I was already outside and no one was really around that I could see. Even though it's only the first weekend in October, it's kinda cold. However, I was more concerned with the red balloon tied to the box. All it said was _Pop me_.

Normally I hate wasting a perfectly good balloon, but something was inside it. And I just had to know what it was. So like any other naked seventeen year old would do, I placed the balloon on the asphalt and sat on it. I got back up and rubbed my backside. Come to think of it, maybe I should've popped it in the grass. Anyways, I was super curious so I bent over to read the scrap of paper that fell out. All it said was _Kitchen table_.

I dashed back inside because there was a car approaching and it looked suspiciously like West Brody's mom's minivan. I made my way to the kitchen, startling my mom and sister who were eating an early lunch. I don't think they appreciated me reaching across the table in all my naked glory. I recognized Santana's neat penmanship and smiled.

_Brittany-  
__I hope you like your treasure hunt. I had to think of something different because your mom said we couldn't have a party after what happened last year. Trust me, I tried to get her to see it my way. Bribery didn't work and I'd feel terrible blackmailing your mom. Don't worry though. This is still going to top your Sweet Sixteen. And text me right now for your next clue. Happy Birthday._

_Love,  
__Santana_

I won't lie, I was pretty bummed there wouldn't be a party because last year's blowout was insane! I ran back upstairs, grabbed my phone off the bed and sent a text to tell her I found the note. She replied instantly. All it said was_ Good. Check your glove compartment. And put some clothes on if you haven't already._

Santana knows me a little too well. So I threw on some sweats, a Cheerios t-shirt, and a pair of shoes. I didn't bother with a bra because they are a lot harder to put on than they are to take off. And ok, it's not like I ever wear undies, but since it's my birthday I especially don't have to. Once I finished getting dressed I headed downstairs once more, careful to avoid the kitchen where I could hear that Brody kid and my sister chatting. Talk about awkward. So I got in the car and opened the glove compartment. A scrap of paper fell out. All it said was _Breadstix._

That was a great surprise! I sang along with the radio on the way to the 'Stix and I smiled when I saw Santana's car in the parking lot.

**Took you long enough to get there. I was beginning to think you weren't coming.**

Sorry. (She's a little grumpy because I'm supposed to be celebrating, not blogging. And just FYI, normally I type in bold font, but we switched this time). So anyway, then I told you I had tons of fun, even popping the balloon naked.

**Then I told you the treasure hunt wasn't over, and made you wait until after lunch for your next clue.**

And I was like YESSSSSSSSSS. After we ate, I went to the bathroom and when I got back San was gone! At first I was worried Santana dined and dashed without me, but I spotted our waitress, the one who normally hates us, and she smiled at me. I guess she didn't mind that S bullied her into giving me free dessert, and not just the usual birthday brownie, like the really good kind of dessert.

**You say bullied, I say persuaded. Tomato, tomahto.**

Anyhow, there was a present on the table, along with a note, and all it said was _Push the green button._

**What if it had said DO NOT PUSH? Would you still push it?**

Duh! Of course.

**Curiosity killed the cat.**

THAT'S WHY HE DIED? The one who read my diary passed away shortly after I started my blog. I always figured it was of boredom since he couldn't figure out how to turn on a computer. I won't lie; computers used to be complicated for me too. He was pretty ancient, though, so he probably couldn't keep up with the technology. The only senior citizen I know who understands the internet and stuff is a dirty old man.

**Get back to the present.**

Oh well right now I'm sitting-

**No! Not **_**the**_** present, your gift.**

Right! I tore the gift-wrap off to reveal a GPS. I accidently left my last one at the park after discovering it didn't track bird migration patterns like I originally hoped. In my defense, I thought GPS stood for Gay Pigeon Sensor because that's what Santana told me it meant. I've done a lot of growing up since then, so I don't think I'm nearly as gullible. I'll keep this new one in my car to be safe. Anyway, I pushed the green button and the screen flashed on and there was already an address programmed into it! All it said was _37 East Lima Street._

**You said that a lot in this blog. "All it said was…" **

It's called parallelism, Santana! Or so I think. Maybe there's another term for it. But the point is all the best writers do stuff like that!

**They're not real big on continuity though, are they?**

No comment.

**That's what I thought.**

ANYWAY, I didn't know exactly where 37 E. Lima was, but I couldn't wait to find out! The GPS, which I named Mabel, wasn't too hard to follow.

**It took you to Mercedes' house. Hurry up with the story.**

I was getting to that! I pulled up at the Jones residence. I'd never been there before. That Mercedes is so funny! We hung out for a while and she kept calling me all these cute nicknames. Then she gave me another present: a beautiful bouquet of flowers! She told me her aunt is a florist. At first I thought they were from Mercedes, but there was another note from S! Gah if I didn't know better, I would think we were dating.

**Yeah, well, I can be really nice sometimes too, you know? I'm not always impatient and rude and stuff.**

I know that, silly! You're just a little rough around the edges. So your next note took me to Puck's house and I won't lie, I was totally confused because I know for a fact he is still in juvie.

**When I planned this a month ago he wasn't. I had to improvise and that's why I convinced his little sister to give you your clue. I thought about just taping it to his door, but then I changed my mind.**

It's a good thing, too! I had to poop the second I got there. Anyway, Puck's sis talked my ear off for like at least half an hour. Then Mrs. Puckerman came home from work and made her give me the clue. I was surprised to find it was… just a picture of Quinn's house. Then I realized that's where I was supposed to go next. When I got there, I was super excited to see her! She gave me my next present and it was a beautiful necklace. But the weird thing is that it was from my mom. I ripped open my new note and I knew the address right away! Kurt's house!

**Yeah I had a feeling you would recognize it. That's why I didn't program it into Mabel.**

Sweet. So I got to the Hummel's and Kurt was waiting for me with open arms. He gave me a huge hug, but was kind of grossed out because I was braless.

**At least he didn't have to eat lunch with you in a chilly restaurant like I did.**

Whatev! You liked it. Although it was a bit nippy in there.

**Nipply is right.**

Hah. Yeah, so he gave me a really cute dress to wear, also from San. And some cute shoes. And he did my hair and makeup. By the time I left Kurt's, I looked HOOOOOT!

**This next part is my favorite.**

Oh yeah! So right before I left, Kurt handed me yet another note! This one said _Get ready for some birthday kisses_ and had another address on it, which was also familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I pulled up to the house. Then I realized who lived there…

**I am evil. I am evil. Don't believe me? Wait and see!**

Yeah you are!

**Brittany! You made up a song about me and tried to pass it off like I wrote it? I went downstairs for like two seconds. Maybe **_**you**_** are evil.**

I am not evil! I bet the readers are dying to know what happens next though. I would be too if I didn't already know what happened.

**Oh yeah, the suspense is killing them.**

Back to the story, never in a million years did I think I'd end up at the Ben Israels on my seventeenth birthday waiting to be kissed.

**Sounds kinda romantic to me.**

I rang the doorbell and I was nervous. Jacob, of course, answered immediately. He is so creepy. He tried to make small talk, but I just wanted to get the birthday kiss over and leave.

**At least they weren't birthday spankings.**

Ick. So I asked him for my present and puckered my lips.

**Brittany and Jacob. Sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Bracob in the baby carriage.**

Oh gross! And you thought my song sucked?

**Your kids will be so… average. Your hotness will be cancelled out by his notness.**

Blehhhhh. I can't marry him! Or have his babies! He's… blehhh!

**Wait… he doesn't turn you on, B?**

NO! So then he ignored my lips and I thanked my lucky stars. He went into another room and came back with the CUTEST KITTY IMAGINABLE! Then she licked me. I was worried for nothing! Then he gave me my final clue.

**I wasn't going to make you kiss Jacob. I was just messing with you. I'm mean, but I'm not cruel. Besides, I threatened to destroy him if he so much as looked you in the eye. And I knew how sad you were when your old cat passed away.**

Yeah. Curiosity is such a bitch for killing my cat! But now I have a fluffy new kitten!

**Then the last clue led you back to your house where everybody was waiting to surprise you.**

Way to ruin it, San!

**So? You were surprised and that's all that matters.**

I really believed you when you said my mom wouldn't let us have a birthday bash. I never would've guessed that you two were in cahoots. You even got my sister out of the house.

**She wasn't the only one we had to get out of the house, B. That wild goose chase I sent you on gave me all day to set up for your surprise party. I kept tabs on you the whole time.**

I've always wanted a surprise party!

**I know, B. About a month ago I asked you what you wanted for your birthday and that's what you told me. I just laughed at the time, but I've been planning this ever since.**

Oh. Even when we were fighting?

**Yes. Even then.**

Cool. So the party was awesome! Even though Mom insisted on chaperoning, she wasn't as lame as usual. There was dancing and all my friends were there. I got cake and blew all my candles out in one try and made a super awesome wish! I also made sure to thank everybody who helped out with the scavenger hunt, except Jacob, 'cause he wasn't invited to the actual party.

**Like they had a choice. They were helping me whether they wanted to or not.**

What a shocker. You didn't have any problem "persuading" them, did you?

**Nope.**

Ok! Since it's Saturday night, we're getting ready for the after party! It's at some football player's house, but first I hope my birthday wish comes true…

**The day isn't over yet, you know.**

In that case, can we be fashionably late to the after party? I am kinda… really… um…

**Horny? Yeah, I'm sure Jacob's not busy. His house is just down the street…**

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Alright, fine. Put on Jeremih.**

K good. You know I didn't get one single birthday sext all day?


	16. Why Santana is Like Magic

_Why Santana is like _**MAGIC!  
**_Quinn + Brittany  
__Day after B's B-Day_

**Sorry guys, S isn't here. She had to leave this morning to go to a family thing and should be back later! But I was just telling Quinn how awesome my birthday was! Santana made it super special. It's like she's Harry Potter, she's so magical!**

_She's more like Voldemort if you ask me. No soul. She ripped it to shreds._

**That's so mean… but what are her horcruxes?**

_You'd be one._

**Like the snake? It's pretty much always with Voldy…**

_I guess. Idk what else there would be, probably a trophy._

**Did you read the books? That trophy was a port key. Duh.**

_I read them! What about the necklace she always wears?_

**Yeah… that works. She doesn't keep a diary of her own though, so she'd probably substitute this blog instead. But people, don't be afraid! This blog is not actually a horcrux. Please keep reading!**

_Santana also doesn't have a diadem._

**If she ever won prom/homecoming queen, she would get a tiara.**

_That's never going to happen. I'll make sure of it._

**Come to think of it, she has Puck's cup from when he played baseball freshman year. Does that count?**

_That's disgusting and I didn't need to know that. I thought of a better comparison for her, though. San equals Bellatrix because she's possibly more insane than Sue, who's like Voldemort._

**Bellatrix is so hot.**

_Or maybe Santana's Grindelwald and you're Dumbledore._

**I don't get it. What's the punchline?**

_Dumbledore loved- never mind._

**Ok. I have a question, who names their child Just Kidding?**

_What are you talking about?_

**The author of Harry Potter… her name is JK and everybody knows that means just kidding.**

_I don't know what it stands for, but I am 100% sure it's not Just Kidding._

**Sorry. Blonde moment. **

_Your entire life is blonde moments. Anyway, I guess you could say Hogwarts = McKinley_

**You're pretty invested in this metaphor for someone who's only seen the movies.**

_I read the books! Besides, the seventh movie hasn't come out yet, so how would I know about all the horcruxes?_

**I bet you think Harry and Hermione end up together.**

_I READ THE BOOKS, OKAY?_

**Geez, you sure are testy. Just got a text from S. I told her you think she's the Dark Lord. She says you're Neville because you're only good at messing stuff up…**

_She did NOT say that._

**No, she said something a lot worse. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings. You know what I just thought of? Voldemort must be the worst board game player ever!**

_What do you mean?_

**If you think about it, he's trying to ambush Harry, like in Mousetrap. Except his plans never work because something always goes wrong, i.e. the cage never falls. His "foolproof" plans fail, like every time.**

_That actually makes sense. He's probably also the type to wear glasses during Battleship so you can see the reflection of his boats._

**Quinn, that's lame.**

_Thanks a lot._

**You're welcome! Oh, Santana's on her way now! She says you gotz to go, but I really want you to stay…**

_She thinks she's so great, like she's the next big thing. She's worse than Rachel._

**I've been working on ideas for the next big thing. I'm going to be famous one day. Wanna know how?**

_Sure, B._

**I'm going to write a book about burning books.**

_It's been done, B. It's called Fahrenheit 451. Ringing any bells?_

**Oh. What about my next plan? It's a show about an actor and all his friends.**

_That's Entourage._

**Bracelets in wacky shapes?**

_Silly Bandz._

**Oh yeah! I have like a million of those. Um… a vampire who falls in love with a human?**

_Twilight._

**I forgot about that.**

B, one day you will come up with something, but so far all your ideas have been done.

**SANTANA! I missed you!**

I missed you too. Quinn, I thought I told you to leave.

_I don't answer to you. In fact, you're still playing second fiddle to me._

**So how was your family thingy, San?**

The usual, went to my grandma's. I tried to cover my boobs the best I could, but she still noticed they were… larger. She just thinks I went through a growth spurt.

**Why did you have to go?**

It's my uncle's birthday, you know that.

**Oh yeah, I forget it's always the day after mine. Was his stripper girlfriend there?**

No, he dumped her.

**Really? I'm surprised your mom didn't tell me.**

You mean I knew something about my own family before you did?

**Yeah, I guess. But I'm still in the lead by approximately 101 secrets.**

Ugh. Anyway, Mom was a nervous wreck, she's so scared one of my cousins will rat me out. Dad watched football the whole time.

**And your grandma was just her crazy self?**

Yeah. I was texting the whole time and she told me to quit faxing on my cellophone.

**Typical!**

_It's about time you got here, S. Brittany wouldn't stop pouting._

I'm tired of this blog. There's too much…Quinn. I'm starting a new one.

**OK! I love a good double feature.**

**

* * *

**

Brittany and Santana: Best Friends Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever  
By: Brittany P. and Santana L.  
_And Quinn F! Don't forget me, Santana. I'm still here.  
_And Quinn Fabray: Not Forgotten, Just Ignored

**Yay! A two-for-one blog!**

Quinn, why won't you leave?

_I have every right to be here too!_

I want to talk about the after party. You know… the one you WEREN'T at. Brittz and I threw down last night.

**True. We're badass. Quinn's pretty cool too, but she's-**

Not on our level. But of course the readers know how bad I am. I ain't gotz to prove nothing.

_You're so full of shit, Santana._

That would be Brittany, actually. She's the one with IBS.

**Whatevzzz! I wanna talk about my birthday some more! First, Santana made me listen to that Birthday Sex song and then we went to that jock's house. We didn't get blackout drunk, just omg let's make out in public drunk.**

_TMI. I'm glad I wasn't there. But how did last night compare to your sweet sixteen?_

**It was FANTASTIC! I never knew how much fun ice luges are! It would've been even better if it was shaped like something naughty. **

Oh that just gives me an idea for your next birthday.

_That's nasty._

**You're such a funny drunk, S. You groped everybody, ya big perv. Haha. You also announced that you can tell which bra I'm wearing just by grabbing my boob. Then you felt me up and lifted my shirt to show everybody you were right. You always are, but this time you cheated because you saw me put it on after sex.**

We swore never to blog that! You're terrible at keeping secrets, even my family's. You have yet to tell me the combination to the safe, though.

**Just be glad you didn't puke your brains out like you did last time we got drunk.**

_Well both of you are lucky those cops overlooked your public drunkenness last night._

**You mean those two rookies they sent over?**

Shut up, Quinn. Wait, how did you know they were rookies, B?

**I made out with both of them while you were in the bathroom, San.**

Of course you did.

**You musta been pooping too, because we got tired of kissing and actually talked a little.**

I really don't know how you managed to smooth-talk them into partying with us.

_What if you dumbasses had been arrested?_

**Trouble is my middle name.**

We'd never be charged with anything. I'd make sure of it. I mean, really, what's the worst thing you've ever done, B?

**I shot a man in Reno.**

_Just to watch him die?_

**No… I took his picture. Without his consent. That's really dangerous, right? What if he had been in the Witness Protection Program and I accidently outed him to the Mafia or some crazy shit? And not outed him like oh my gosh, you're so rainbow, like oh my gosh, you're that guy we've been looking for…to kill!**

B, you got off on a tangent.

_Well you got off on a sine. Or a cosine. _

Now is not the time to make math jokes, nerd.

_I have __**x**__ amount of time, slut._

Whore.

**Oh! Is it time for the third annual Whore-Off?**

B, you know you're gonna have to explain that. We're the only ones who know what that is.

**It all started the day after Quinn's annual sleepover. Santana upset her by sneaking out really early in the morning. So Quinn called her a whore and then they kept trading insults. They didn't stay mad at each other because the things they said were just too funny and it got a lot of their frustrations out. So their weird little tradition of insulting each other stuck. I'm not really sure about this year, however. There's been a lot of tension between the two lately.**

Get ready, biznatch.

_Bring it._

That line was funny ten years ago. Good effort, though.

**Here are the rules:  
****Match is over when a whore can't think of a response within the allotted time.  
****The main focus must be the primary whore, but may also include other whores.  
****The first slur requires the term whore, but subsequent slurs do not.  
****Winner whore wins.  
****Loser whore loses. (And buys me ice cream)**

I'm working on a three-peat.

**Yeah. Santana's won both times. She's pretty good at cutting people down. **

_I'm going to win this year. I'm determined._

**Let the games begin!**

This is your biggest life goal? Winning the Whore Olympics? Do you really think that anyone will be impressed by your gold medal in whoring?

_You're one to talk, the Future Mrs. Whore Lips. That's your boyfriend's name, right? Whore Lips Puckerman? You have some pretty nice lips yourself. If I had a set like that, I'd put them on as many dicks as you have._

At least I know what to do with my lips, Quinn. You wouldn't have gotten pregnant if you had just given Puck a bj instead. And just a hint: guys melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

_How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? Cause that's the same number of guys you've blown._

If you paid half as much attention to boys as you do to Sue, you'd know exactly how many licks it takes.

_You're a freaking douche-bag magnet. For whatever reason, they're just drawn to you. Oh wait, I know why. YOU NEVER SAY NO._

Damn it Quinn, you were like the biggest prude in school! You'd still be the biggest except you got knocked up so now that title belongs to Rachel. How does it feel knowing she's better than you at something?

_You're like an evil magician! Somehow you magically find your way into every boy's pants._

Listen up, Juno. You may be McKinley's cautionary whale, but you will never be the slut I am. I am the freaking mayor of Whoretown, Ohio. It's kind of ironic you're trying to win this contest, seeing as your only sexual experience left you with child. So don't think for one second you can compete with me.

**Quinn, any response?**

_I forfeit. _

**Well, ok then. I have no choice but to declare Santana the winner.**

I won even though I managed to insult myself quite a bit there at the end? Haha.

_It worked because it definitely left me speechless._

I got a lot off my chest, that's for sure.

**No you didn't, your ginormous boobs are still there. **

_When you think about it, neither of us said anything that wasn't true._

We're still not friends.

_Maybe someday we will be again. I'm sorry that everything has to be a competition between us._

Hmmm. Maybe if you didn't feel like you were entitled to everything it wouldn't be this way.

_I'll work on that if you get your head out of your ass and admit-_

**Whoa. Everyone's still friends with me, right?**

_Of course, Brittany._

You'll always be my best friend, B. I love you.

**Aww, you're so sweet. I love you too.**

Yeah? What did you do today?

**I woke up like around the same time you left this morning and then I took a shower and made breakfast for my sister.**

You didn't set anything on fire, did you?

**No, I just burned it all pretty bad. I ended up taking her to McDonald's instead.**

Then what?

**I was looking through my presents and I got a few gift cards to the mall and stuff if you wanna go sometime this week.**

That's awesome! I'd love to.

**I really did miss you.**

B, I was only gone like half a day! Ps. you just got a text. It says: Get a room_._

**Who would send me that?**

I don't know. It's not a number you have saved in here. Jacob, maybe?

_It was me. You two look like you could use some alone time. But seriously, you don't have my number saved?_

**I think my sister deleted all my contacts as payback for switching around some numbers in her phone.**

Quinn, I am going to kill you.

_I'll go after we're done blogging. Don't want to interrupt you two lovebirds._

So my not-so-subtle hints for you to leave are finally sinking in.

**Jacob was a highly unlikely suspect, anyway… All he ever does is stalk Rachel now just because she's a good singer and wears weird clothes. She's not the only one who loves animal sweaters. Plus, my skirt is just as short as hers, you know!**

_Oh. My. Cheesus._

You can't be serious. You're jealous?

**He used to be obsessed with me back in like middle school... Why won't he creep on me? I ran outside naked yesterday. Only Mrs. Brody noticed. No one even called the neighborhood watch. I wish they had. His family's in charge of it.**

That's wrong on like a million different levels.

_At least we agree on something, Santana._

**Oh come on, you guys, I'm Joanne Kathleening you!**


	17. BONUS October Issue

Everyone's Favorite Part is the Bonus Round  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Staff Writer

Hey everybody! Since subscriptions to the Gazelle (I'm still not convinced it's the Gazette) are up by like a lot, my journalism teacher proposed we do a mid-month newspaper. The only problem is that she can't force us to do extra credit so not many staffers volunteered. But it does mean I'll get a bunch more articles in this special issue. I'm really busy with Cheerios, glee, and motocross, but I couldn't pass down the opportunity of a lifetime! Mr. Schue also wants me to shamelessly plug the musical, although I must admit, I thought Rocky Horror was about Colorado at first.

* * *

Moneymaker  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Staff Writer

Our yearly sales are up, but I didn't even know you had to pay for the newspaper. I used to always get mine out of the recycling bin. Or the trash can. Anyway, Jacob said that I'm in high demand as a writer and the people might riot if they don't get more Brittany. Story of my life! My mom used to always sing this song about how I'm the reason God made Oklahoma which never really made sense because we live in Ohio. Whatever, we're understaffed and I'm making myself interim coeditor. I just decided.

* * *

M & N's, My Favorite Candy  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Coeditor

Jacob is all sorts of nervous that I declared myself coeditor, but it's not like I've gotten him in trouble before! Ok, I take that back. But I have a secret. Miss Pillsbury is so busy working on the costumes for Rocky Horror Show that she simply doesn't have time to proofread my stuff. Plus our journalism teacher only cares that I keep raking in the big bucks! Ok, so maybe at $0.50 a piece, the Gazelle doesn't make a huge profit, but the point is there won't be any repercussions for telling you this story. One time, I was in a toy store and I wanted to play a joke so I wrote naughty things on all the Etch-A-Sketches. They were supposed to say penis, but those knobs are hard to work so it came out pemis instead. Imagine if all M's and N's were swapped. Wenis would be wemis. That reminds me of when Santana and I were spying on Mr. Schue and Miss P! Wemis. That's Will + Emma + Penis. Quinn would be Quimm, Finn would be Fimm, and Kurt would be… still Kurt. Best friend of Nercedes.

* * *

An Announcement from Your WMHS Newspaper Staff  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Voted Favorite Coeditor

As a favor to Principal Figgins, I've been asked to write a Public Service Announcement about Sexting. I can't really remember if I am supposed to promote it or what, but there are a few facts you should know about sexting.

Sexts, according to my most reliable source (Santana), are sexy texts. San kind of looked at me strange when I asked her about it since I already know what sexts are. Then she asked me if I was from the same era as Quinn, but whatever. I just wanted to make sure I had the correct definition.

Also, sexting can be very informative. It can tell you what a perspective partner likes or doesn't like. It's a way to get to know someone on a unique level.

I wouldn't advise sexting dirty old men. Here are some other people you shouldn't sext: Family members (unless you're playing a prank on them, but otherwise that's just gross), a friend's boy/girl friend, most football players (they have no imagination), Patches (but he doesn't have a phone so no worries there), clowns, and Mr. Kinney. And, as tempting as it might be, do NOT sext Coach Sylvester. I'll never make that mistake again.

* * *

Advice Column  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Confidant & Coeditor

Being on the newspaper staff at McKinley High has its perks. People always want to know my opinion on stuff. Sure, people fawned over me before, but now they bow before me like the simpletons they are. Teachers asked me to stop writing papers because my work is too brilliant for them to comprehend. Coach Sylvester has an entire book of cheers dedicated to me. I dig it. Ok, so maybe none of that's true, but students often write me for advice and I'm going to answer their questions. It's the least I could do for my fans!

_MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, how do I convince my parents to let me be in the school musical?_

Changanator, you seem to be in a lose-lose situation because parents can be very stubborn. You can't go behind their backs because they ALWAYS find out. Just ask my mom. But if you want to be in the play bad enough, you should be allowed to. Maybe you could tell your mom and dad it's not like you'll be dressing up like a tranny. But you kind of have to join glee club first. We're the ones putting on the production. If you don't know where the auditorium is, just follow the trail of slushies. Hope to see you around!

_ItsHummelnotHummus wrote: Brittany, what did you mean when you said you were going as a peanut allergy for Halloween?_

How did you know that? The only person I told was Kurt! You're not stalking me, are you? Is this Jacob?

_InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, while I realize you've been on the newspaper staff for quite some time and the blog scene for almost as long, the question remains. When are you going to write something highlighting all my achievements? It's vastly overdue and wouldn't it be nice to say you knew me before I was famous? When I'm on Broadway, people will want to know about my small-town past. Perhaps your article could even be featured in my E! True Hollywood Story one day._

Infinity, you sound just like this girl I know! I think you should meet her. Her name is Rachel Berry. She's the co-captain of Glee club, she uses really big words and she's like totally convinced she'll be famous for that EXACT same reason! Anyway, you two have a lot in common and if I ever meet you, maybe I will write about you. My best friend Santana will probably get jealous though and make me interview her again. Not that the first one went over so well. Anyway, best wishes.


	18. Double Dating

**Double Dating  
****By: Brittany S. Pierce  
****Ironically Blogging Alone**

Computer for one? Yes please.

Tonight's double date was a disaster considering how hard I've been trying to avoid Artie. I used to take the handicap-only elevator at school all the time, but now I take the stairs. It's amazing how much quicker I get places, but being early to everything is strange and apparently my teachers sometimes give quizzes the first ten minutes of class. Who knew? Anyhow, I even steered clear of those lazy-maker ramps. It's just that Artie makes me feel so guilty. The last time I felt that way was when I accidently vacuumed up my sister's gerbil. Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure how I got roped into going on that date with him. Artie, not the gerbil. Oh wait, I know how. Santana practically begged me with her eyes when they asked us. Not that Santana begs, but whatever, it's a free meal. So I tried real hard to be a good date. To Artie.

Remember that certificate I won at Puck's Jello wrestling party? Well, I saw it on Santana's drawer as we were getting ready. She's taking him up on that offer. Although upon closer inspection, I noticed it actually said: _Good for one free night at the motel for Puck _instead of _with Puck._ I think he wants Santana to pay for their room; like that'll go over well.

Now that Puck's out of juvie I feel kinda funny, like he might stab me at any moment, but maybe he's just a big faker. I wish he'd told that Eggo story before we ate, though, because I totally finished off his spaghetti and licked his plate clean without asking. And I made sure everyone else's plate was clean too.

**I also did lots of other things a good date should do:**

I pulled my spanks up so my ass cheeks hung out ever so slightly.

I asked my date if he wanted to see me kiss my own boob.

I pretended to be interested in all conversations, even the boring shit.

I didn't fart on my hand and then smell it. This time.

I rubbed Artie's leg all throughout dinner. (I didn't know he couldn't feel it. I just thought paralyzed meant he couldn't use his feet. Have you ever tried walking without your feet? It's tough.)

I was the **best** date ever.

And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I'm at home in my pjs blogging. Artie may have been a jerk to me the whole time, but I saw what he did for our waitress. I like that. Maybe I should have stuck with him instead of getting dropped off by Puck and Santana on their way to the Super 8.

I think it's funny how Artie chews every bite twenty-six times. Santana said she'd never seen someone eat so slow. I wonder if he counts to twenty-six every time or if he just goes through the alphabet. Sometimes when I say the alphabet really fast while drunk I forget letters. That happened once at school and Mr. Schue, bless his heart, tried to help me remember the second half. Let's just say I was hanging out with April Rhodes that day at lunch.

Santana also says Artie's an old man because of the way he dresses. Maybe he chews so slowly because he has dentures and he doesn't want them to fall out. I'm scared of dentures. San's always putting my dates down. Whatever, she's spending her night with a delinquent. She thinks Artie isn't good enough for me, but there's no way in hell Puck's good enough for her. I had a dream last night about S riding my motocross bike and dragging Artie in his wheelchair behind her. I'm not going to tell her about it. I don't want her to get ideas.

Oh. Speak of the devil, S just texted me. She's pissed Puck tried to pull a fast one. What does she expect? I'll leave my window open for her anyway, maybe she'll wanna play rock, paper, scissoring later.

In the meantime, I think I'll talk to Jacob a little bit on IM about journalism stuff. I also decided I'm going to add him as a friend on facebook. Hopefully it won't show up in too many newsfeeds.

Goodnight all!

**Lovelovelove,  
****Brittany**


	19. Relax

**Relax**

It's the night before the SATs, and I'm honestly super nervous. There are so many words and equations and things to know! That prep course seemed to help a lot despite missing the first session, but I'm psyching myself out bad. I might just have a breakdown during the test. And that would be terrible. San's taking it tomorrow, too. L and P are pretty close in the alphabet, but a lot of people take this so I doubt I'll be in the same room as Santana. Maybe there will be at least one familiar face though.

Everyone's been really great about helping me chill and boosting my confidence, except Patches who just barks at me. Maybe he thought I was my mom. Whatevs. Puck offered some weed, Mercedes offered tots, Quinn offered a study guide, and Jacob offered to come over. I declined pretty much all of those things, particularly the last one, but I appreciated the sentiments. Kurt's dad gave my moto bike a tune up. Becky baked me some cookies. LeBron sent me a good luck card. Ms. Holiday let me try on her Mary Todd Lincoln wig. Mike let me pretend to be him until I held hands with Tina and then he, Artie and Santana all gave us death glares. The package store owner gave me some liquid courage and I didn't even have to flash him. My sister wrote an essay about me being her hero and got an A. Dr. Lopez showed me where the family safe is hidden. My mom's topped them all though. She bought a ton of Mountain Dew and has been taking care of my kitten ever since I accidently put Code Red in her bowl instead of milk.

Unfortunately, Santana's a basket case. She came over this afternoon for a cram session and she might be even more worried than I am. She's totes afraid I'll kick her butt! And I thought I was a wreck. She needed to loosen up so after a few hours of studying I made her quit hitting the books. At first she just figured I wanted to fool around, but instead I made up a game called the Gross Word Game. Not a very creative title, I know. It's a simple concept: think of disgusting words. And for the record, I shouldn't have Google image searched this stuff.

Here's the list we came up with:

Moist ***  
Damp  
Jizz  
Chafe  
Vagina  
Diarrhea (the word doesn't affect me, having it a lot does though)  
Secrete  
Ooze  
Nipple  
Phlegm  
Crusty  
Pungent  
Jacob  
Pus/Puss/Pussy/Pustule  
Odor  
Fester  
Queef

Santana wanted to add arty to the list. I guess she hates those artsy fartsy people. She also made this face when I added that last word so I started calling her Georgia O'Queef. Anyway, she took it one step further (she always does) by coming up with a sentence that incorporated a lot of the words:

"Jacob's festering wounds looked crusty from far away, but upon closer inspection I could tell the pustules were moist, secreting a pungent odor that made my nipples chafe and my damp vagina dry up like the Sahara desert and I'm pretty sure I'll never queef again."

After hearing that, I had to take a shower.

When she left I started dreading the next day. Normally when I'm panicking about something I usually hide, like in a classroom or the janitor's closet. I think writing helps me get over a lot of that, but not this time. Since I'm in charge of the advice column now, I thought about what I'd say to someone in my situation, but I can't write myself asking for my own opinion. By the way, I learned that Mike, Kurt, and Rachel are the ones who wrote to me, but I can't figure out who wrote what. Mike might be _GoldInfiniti _since I think that's the kind of car he drives. Kurt's probably _MC Hanganator _since he loves to be the deejay so I guess that makes Rachel _HumbleNotHummus._ I could be wrong.

Artie's texted me a lot lately and for a study break he made a reservation for us at Breadstix. It reminded me of all the times me and San made fake reservations there. For example: table for two under the name Mick L. Obe. Or Ding A. Ling, party of two. Once it was a table for I.C. London, followed immediately by one for I.C. France, followed immediately by a really lame joke about my underpants. But that was a long time ago when I actually wore those. Or how about the time we kept calling it Breast Stix? And ok, I know this isn't a fake name, but once we called ahead for a table for Brittany S. Pierce, and the hostess like flipped out! She thought she was going to meet someone famous, except nobody famous comes to Lima. Except Josh Groban. We didn't use lame names like Seymour Butts or Anna Conda or Mack O. Roni. Ok, maybe we did. Ok, maybe I did. But middle school was my goofy phase!

Oh right well my night out with Artie definitely relieved some stress! Hey. I don't mean it like that. We didn't boink. This time.

Wish me and Georgia O'Queef good luck.

**Lovelovelove,  
****Brittany**

**

* * *

**

**UPDATE-**

Ok. I did it. I took the SATs. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought, but the room I took it in was so quiet. While we were bubbling in our names I temporarily forgot how to spell my mine- the middle name in particular- and I tried to cheat off the kid next to me, but his answer was different. After that, I clearly remember telling myself to _relax_ and then I started humming that song from Zoolander. Then I got nervous because I didn't want to kill the Malaysian Prime Minister or any other male Asian. Or any female Asians, for that matter. I didn't want to kill anybody, just this test. I'm starting to think maybe I bombed the math, but hopefully my composition and reading comprehension will make up for it. If I have any chance at beating Santana, it's with my essay.

((*)) ~~~(==8

Haha guess what that is.


	20. More Advice

**Advice  
****By: Brittany S. Pierce  
****Advisor**

**

* * *

**

**Santana should be here any minute. I have gotten such an overwhelming response from my blog I needed a little help responding to all questions, comments, and concerns! I think I'll start with the easy ones. Here goes nothing!**

_LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, I'm curious to know what you were like as a child._

**Well, Samantha, I won't lie, I was an interesting child. It's a quality that has followed me into my teens and I hope it will continue the rest of my life. I also wish to be a lifelong funny person, although the pressure is enormous. It's like if you introduce me to a friend and you say, "This is Brittany, she's hilarious!" Then I automatically feel the need to tell a joke and if it's lame then that person will never truly believe I am funny! Wait… What was the question again?**

_LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, I'm curious to know what you were like as a child._

**Oh yeah. I was relatively carefree. Mostly I daydreamed and it was always my mission to make Santana smile. When I was first learning how to write I wanted to be left handed because San is. I still have the kooky pen she gave me after seeing how upset I was about being a righty.**

_MovedAwayMatt wrote: Brittany, what's your favorite memory of me from high school?_

**In biology freshman year, Santana named the pig we had to dissect Baconator because Quinn used to drag us to Wendy's all the time. We didn't go as much after that. I wanted to name him Oinky McSquealer but nobody else agreed. I also suggested Babe that way when we were done we could say, "That'll do, pig." Rachel was in that class too because I distinctly remember her talking about cruelty to animals and formaldehyde and how one of her lab partners pretended to lick their pig just to gross her out. That was you, wasn't it?**

_LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Your. Blog. Is. Awesome. Also, Jacob wants me to relay the message that you're no longer interim coeditor of the newspaper._

**Thank you! Can't say I'm shocked about the coeditor thing. Writing's more my forte. I've been meaning to ask you this. How do you pronounce your last name? I always thought it rhymed with feces.**

_QueenQuinn wrote: Brittany, what did I miss on that first day of health class last year?_

**We learned about sex ed. We even had to put condoms on bananas, but I couldn't do it because I kept picturing those Bananas in Pajamas being suffocated. I had to put condoms on hot dogs instead. Can you believe that? A condom on a weiner. Ooh. Oops. I'm starting to think maybe you shouldn't have skipped that period to plan Celibacy Club.**

Ok Brittz. I'm here. What's the big emergency?

**Santana! I need you to help me answer some questions.**

Ok. What is it for? Math, science, social studies?

**Blog questions. Don't look at me like that! I have a lot of fans. And so far I've been able to figure out most of their identities. Let me finish answering these easy ones then we'll move onto the moderately hard ones.**

_CheerioBecky wrote: Hi Brittany! _

**Hi Becky! Hope you're having a good day! See you at practice tomorrow! Love ya!**

_BrittanyThisIsYourSister wrote: Brittany, this is your sister. Did you really think you could have a secret blog forever? Now I can blackmail you. Hope you like doing dishes because it's your turn now. You silly goose! _

**I prefer the term silly duck. The only goose I like is a mongoose. I remember the time Santana convinced me that mongooses are from Jamaica but thinking back on it now, if they were really Jamaican they would be called goose, mon. Right?**

You're Jamaican me crazy.

**That joke is so old the last time it was written was on a stone tablet! Get it? Because blogging wasn't invented in the time of Jesus and his pet dinosaurs. They didn't have anything good back then, like shake weights or robots or motocross or Vitamin Water. They had thongs, but I think they called them sandals instead. Weird! Women used to get pregnant by just lying with a man. Sex wasn't even invented yet. No wonder they needed a savior.**

Brittany! There are like a billion things wrong with that statement. Where were you when Quinn invited us to her worship services all those Sundays while we were growing up?

**I was at my church.**

And where is your church exactly?

**I never told you the name of it, did I?**

No…

**Oh. Well it's The Divine Church of My Bed.**

ALL THOSE SUNDAYS YOU WERE ASLEEP?

**Haha? **

No, Brittany. Not haha. You could have spared me many Sundays from spending time with QUINN had you told me about this. Oddly enough, it does explain why you nod off while praying. And by the way, where did you come up with all that stuff about dinosaurs?

**I read about it on Wikipedia. That's how I cite all my papers. I have one English essay that I'm working on now. My teacher gave us a creative writing assignment so I'm writing a Veronica Mars fanfic. This is what I have so far:**

"_Witty witty witty witty witty. I am so witty!" bragged Veronica._

"_You forgot pretty! Most people thought I was weird for being friends with you until all of a sudden I became the star of the basketball team!" said Wallace._

"_Veronica you are the best daughter in the entire world even though you lie to me all the time and do stuff like get in your car with a crazy murderer!" Keith hollered._

"_I'm a douchebag with feelings!" whimpered Logan._

"_I was awesome in season one, but in season two I got really creepy!" murmured Beaver._

"_I am a minor character," Shelley Pomroy deadpanned._

**Sometimes I feel like this show is more consistent than my life. Hope I get an A. What was I saying before?**

Ugh. You have Attention Deficit Disorder, Brittany. You asked me to come over to help answer all your thousands of questions, remember? I agreed. I might not even bother reading them; I'm just going to get down to brass tacks. It's what I call _Unsolicited Advice_ by: Santana Lopez.

**That sounds terrifying. But here are the rest of the comments:**

_InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, I just wanted to let you know that I too have started a blog. I know it may seem like our blogs will be in competition, but I assure you that will not be the case. Normally I have no reservations overshadowing people with my talent and drive, but I find you rather endearing. Therefore, I am extending an olive branch so that our blogs can simultaneously entertain our peers without fear of one blog being more popular than the other. I might not even update that often, since I am in a relationship with Finn and that takes up a lot of time. It's even facebook official, in case you didn't know. Oh who am I kidding? Everyone knows._

_ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Brittany, I think I like this guy, but how do I know for sure?_

_MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, since you seem to know everybody in Lima, what are some good Asian jewelry stores? I want to get something for Tina._

_PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Hey there sugar! Aprizzle Rodeo-Rhodes here! A good friend of mine (and by friend I mean lover and by lover I mean we have sex) said he knew ya from something called Internet Edu? He's sort of a dirty old man, but despite all his wrinkles he sure knows his way around a computer! He showed me your blog and I thought well I just have to see how my little protégé is doing! Anyways, I heard from good ole Mr. Schuester that you wrote a newspaper article about me. I must say, I'm flattered. Haven't really had the chance to read it, but I've been told you think I'm number one, which ain't far from the truth! I can out sing that moldy old Berry any day. I see she got a blog. I'll scope it out for ya. I'm on it like a fat rat on a cheeto. You take care now- talk to you later, alligatorrr._

_SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, what are you doing Friday?_

**Ok I think that's all of them.**

Brittany, you're friends with some of the strangest people.

**Yah I know. My best friend is the strangest of them all! Jk.**

Whatever. Here goes nothing. Stubbles: you should set your wardrobe on fire.

**Then how will he/she get to Narnia?**

No, Berry's actual clothes. Not where she keeps them.

**Wait, you mean the person who wanted me to be in the THS was actually Rachel?**

I'm ignoring that. Next is Lance Bass. It's Kurt. And before you ask, Lance Bass was in NSYNC. And before you ask again, yes, he was the gay one.

**It's like you're a mind reader. Kurt, Is it that guy you were telling me about? Blaze or something like that? I think that's a cute name. You could make him wear blazers everywhere. Oh my gosh. If you started dating then Blaze + Kurt = Blurt. I'd totally call you guys that.**

I'm taking this next one. Jackie Chan: we KNOW your kung fu is Asian. And your dim sum. And you're a ninja. We get it. You're Asian.

**I thought Mike was dating Tina? I don't know this Jackie.**

We're never going to finish at this rate. Roller Rink Rhodes: Stay away from Brittany. Quit hanging around the cafeteria during lunchtime. We're not going to give you our booze.

**Usually she's the one giving it to me. Tequila helps me understand Spanish.**

Whatever. I refuse to let you become like her.

**Ok.**

And lastly we have ArtieNotArty. I don't have advice for you. Just loathing.

**What's bread have to do with it?**

Not loafing. Look it up in your dictionary.

**OHHH.**

And Brittany, here is my advice to you. The only thing gayer than having a blog is posting your fanfic there.

**What's so wrong with that? Besides, I thought you liked my blog and its rainbow background! And this is only my first story.**

First! You mean there are more coming?

**Maybe. All I know is that I have a lot more free time since I was demoted from being coeditor of the Gazelle.**

And why is that, exactly?

**You know that stoner guy, Brett? **

The one who smells like Patches?

**Yeah. I didn't exactly proofread his article.**

That seems to be a recurring theme. What was it about?

**His segment's called **_**Baking with Brett **_**and the recipe was for brownies. He sort of added a special ingredient.**

How did I not know about this?

**Duh. Because people only read the Gazelle for my articles.**

I know. You made me subscribe which wouldn't be so bad except they're delivered to our first period classrooms and everybody sees Jacob hand it to me.

**Well maybe I'll give it to you next time. Everybody I deliver to gets a hug.**

And what does Artie get?

**A big ole wet smooch!**

Oh so as your best friend of forever I only get a hug, while your boyfriend of like two seconds gets a kiss?

**Am I doing that thing that I promised not to do anymore?**

And what thing is that?

**Make you so jeal-**

I have to go. Bye.

**Uh. That was weird. Looks like I could use some advice too. Santana's been acting so strange lately. I think this whole wedding thing is getting to her for some reason. Who knows? Anyway, I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to come up with a way to totally win my best friend back when I deliver her newspaper next week. We haven't been hanging out as much lately so hopefully my plan works. Another problem seems to have presented itself. My sister knows about the blog. This is terrible! I doubt she'd tell Mom and Dad, but what if she does? My dad might think it's funny. He stuck all my articles on the refrigerator door and sometimes shows them to his boss. My mom might flip out though since I've done a few slightly illegal things and my judgment is iffy. She also thinks I'm a virgin. Then again, maybe she's seen the notches. She knows Santana corrupts me, but not to what extent.**

**Santana's moral compass probably points south. I think mine is always spinning or something. I don't always make the best decisions, but I try and make up for it. I'm not real sure which list I'll end up this year, the naughty or nice list, but Christmas is still a little while away. You know that song **_**Let's Be Naughty And Save Santa the Trip**_**? Santana's motto is similar. It's **_**let's be naughty**_**. That's all. I guess maybe it's up to me to figure out which one I want to be.**

**Anyway, Artie (And no, Santana, you can't call him Artsy Fartsy anymore) is calling. So I will blog ya later!**

**Lovelovelove,**

**Brittany**


	21. Brittany Sparkles

**I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends  
****By: Brittany S. Pierce  
****And Introducing to the Blogging Community: Noah Puckerman  
****This is a Struggle**

**Let me just start by saying that teaming up with Puck on anything is the last thing I would ever wanna do. But he is useful. He's about to come over so we can work on our elaborate plan to deliver Santana's newspaper in style. First I had to pay off Jacob so I could be the one to give it to her (the dude wanted three bucks and made me promise to style his hair like Pauly D! The only way he'd be able to tame that Jewfro was if he had a magic comb.) My sister stole my allowance so I had to look under all the couch cushions, but all I found were some buttons so I told Jacob they were Dutch money. I won't lie, I'm a little nervous about how this whole special delivery thing is going to play out. I don't want Santana to be awkward at me anymore.**

WAIT… THIS ISN'T SOME HUGE DECLARATION OF LOVE IS IT? BECAUSE I'M DOWN WITH THT AS LONG AS THE PUCKSTER GETS SOME LOVIN TOO.

**No… it's not a declaration. It's the Gazelle.**

A GAZELLE OF LOVE?

**Huh?**

NEVER MIND. MOVING ON!

**Ok so what ideas have you come up with?**

WELL ORIGINALLY I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SOME HUGE LESBIAN LOVE FEST SO HERE'S WHAT I HAVE. STEP 1: YOU DO A HOT STRIPTEASE. STEP 2: YOU AND SANTANA BOTH GET NAKED. STEP 3: YOU MAKE OUT AND "STUFF" WINKY WINKY

**I like that plan, but it's not exactly what I'm going for, you know? I just want her to feel extraordinary because she's my best friend and I love her!**

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU'RE GOOD AT?

**Everything. I'm awesome. What? It's true. Ok, there's writing, cheerleading, glee, dancing, motocross, skydiving, hot tubbing, partying, scavenger hunting and being awesome.**

OH. SKYDIVING FROM WHEN YOU PARACHUTED ONTO THE FOOTBALL FIELD BEFORE A GAME ONE TIME, RIGHT?

**Yeah.**

THAT COULD WORK.

**But how do I land in her classroom? I can't apparate. **

IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME IF MISS HOLIDAY WAS THE SUB. SHE'D LET US HAVE CLASS OUTSIDE.

**Puck, I never thought I'd say this but that is a great idea… is there any way you could make sure her first period teacher wasn't there that day?**

YOU WANT ME TO KILL HIM?

**No.**

SLASH HIS TIRES?

**Just let the air out of them.**

THIS WAS A LOT EASIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. HEY, MAYBE I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE THREE-WAY BLOGS WITH YOU AND SAN :)

**Probably not.**

IF I COULD CHANGE MY NAME TO ANYTHING IT WOULD BE PUCK STALLONE.

**What's wrong with Moses?**

HUH?

**Your real first name, dummy.**

BRITTANY, IT'S NOAH.

**Oh. No wait! I remember from the ****Santana Lopez Interview****. I think she called you Moses! He was the one with the Ark and all the animals, right?**

YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. IT'S NOAH. WHAT WOULD YOU RENAME ME?

**Puck Usuck. **

YAH I KIND OF LIKE THAT. WHAT IS THAT, RUSSIAN?

**Uh huh… Your initials would be P.U.**

WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME TO?

**Brittany Sparkles! Let's go to the mall…today!**

-Edit-  
**Ok so you're probably wondering why Puck's in all caps. It's because he's dumb. And I bet you wanna know why he agreed to blog with me in the first place. I tricked him into believing his parole officer was hiding in my closet and would tase him and take him back to juvie if he didn't cooperate. Once again, he's dumb. Then he didn't even understand my Robin Sparkles reference. Let me just reiterate something… he's DUMB.**

**

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**

(36 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

Finntastic5 wrote: I never knew Robin was from Canada. I've always felt an odd connection with our neighbors to the south. It is south, right? That's what Christopher Cross discovered before falling off the face of the earth. Thanks again for introducing me to Wikipedia!

BroadwayBryan wrote: Sandcastles in the sandddddddddddd. I feel like there's this word inside of me just begging to escape. Oh wait… I know what it is. Legendary.

TheyCallMeGwynethByAccident wrote: Loved, adored, and worshiped your take on Veronica Mars! And I would love to sub for that class, just don't kill anyone, Puckerman. Brittany, did you get my tweet?  
- PuckerUp wrote: WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TWEET ME, MISS H?  
- QueenQuinn wrote: When you do something that deserves praise!

Finntastic5 wrote: I vote for skydiving!  
- QueenQuinn wrote: No.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: I'm with Quinn on this one. While Brittany might be a talented skydiver, there are all sorts of factors to consider. For one, she might land on the roof and no one would see her. Also she could get stuck in a tree or miss her target completely.  
- PuckerUp wrote: OR SHE COULD END UP NAKED ;)

SuspenderMan wrote: I don't see why you can't just hand it to her.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: No one asked your opinion, cripple. I be getting the V.I.P treatmentz since Brittz and I are besties. But Puck, you suck if you thought I wouldn't see all your ideas on here.

PuckerUp wrote: THE NEW **PLAN A** IS TO GO STREAKING THRU HER CLASSROOM  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Just don't get a paper cut, Britt. Those hurt.  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Puck you're only saying that because you have the same first period as Santana  
- QueenQuinn wrote: What's Plan B?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: It's the Morning After Pill, Preggo

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: I for one think your idea is so romantic. And his name is Blaine, although I do approve of dressing him in blazers.

BurtsGotGuts wrote: Brittany, I changed the oil in your dirt bike. We should go riding sometime. Finn's too tall and the last time Kurt got a little muddy he swore he'd never leave the house again. He made an appointment with that guidance counselor and she recommended something called the full silkwood? I don't know. Kurt's the one who made me get this blog. Everybody's doing it now. Even Rachel.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Do you all assume I can't read? Do you think I'm temporarily blind or something? I follow Britt's blog religiously. Hell, I am a main feature and a frequent contributor. You fail.

SuspenderMan wrote: Britt, you left your Barbie in my wheelchair pocket again. How many times do I have to tell you? My chair's not a transformer and even if it were, autobots don't mate with Barbies. I think it's cute you want to find Barbie a new boyfriend or girlfriend, but maybe she should stick with Ken.  
- BrittanySparkles wrote: Oh so now you tell me!  
- QueenQuinn wrote: I plan on sticking with my Ken :)  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Thanks, my Beautiful Barbie! Artie, what makes you think your chair is an Autobot? Maybe it's a Decepticon.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You gotta be shitting me

QueenQuinn wrote: That's a pretty accurate description of Puck, Britt.  
- LysdexicSam wrote: yeah Brittany, you certainly have a way with words  
- BrittanySparkles wrote: Thanks Quinn, Samantha!

PuckerUp wrote: BRITTANY BABY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT WE SHOULD CALL THIS SECRET MISSION AND I CAME UP WITH: OPERATION PINK TACO.  
- BurtsGotGuts wrote: Puckerman, if you wanted tacos all you had to do was ask. I make a mean quesarito as well. That's a quesasdilla + a burrito. Then we can watch sportscenter on the old 55 incher.

LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, just FYI, Sam is short for Samuel 'cause I'm a dude

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: I don't eggsackly remember what a Santina is, but it reminds me of a cantina and that reminds me of drankin'! Crantinis to be specific! Why don't you come on over Brittany? I'm havin a party with lotsa single men over the age of sixty nine and they're ready to mingle! Trust me, I know a thing or two about those 69ers. Our mutual man friend'll be there as well. It's BYOB so why don't you do that thing I showed you where you flash that guy out of sight of the securrrrity camera? Best friand, I hate to cut this short, but there's upholstery cleaner that needs huffin'.  
- BrittanySparkles wrote: I think you mean that thing I showed you!  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Yesss  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: NO

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittany, next time I am disabling your comments so this doesn't happen again.

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Has anyone read my blog? I have twelve entries so far. Nobody's commented yet.


	22. November 2010

Thanksgleeving  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Not the Great Pumpkin

Ah, November. It's that time of the year when all those Valentine's Day hookup babies are born. Last month I failed to mention the second Monday in October was Cross Day. Sorry, discoverer of America. But just to be clear, Leif Erikson rocks too. He's my favorite Viking; I prefer him over Favre. Fortunately, Jacob has been sick this week so despite my demotion from interim coeditor, I'm still the next in the chain of command which means I am calling all the shots in this edition of the McKinley High Gazelle! Really his only other option was Brett and although Jacob decided to discontinue _Baking with Brett _I reversed that! I also had to take over some of Jacob's articles and others I gave to friends!

November also happens to be Thanksgiving. My family always has this huge dinner where my mom cooks food. I suggested to her that Brett was a really good cook and he had great recipe ideas so she's letting him bring dessert! She's always letting my friends come over so I invited everyone from Glee club as well. This year Artie's bringing his mom's famous pecan pie. It's going to be a great Thanksgleeving!

* * *

Phones and Thongs  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
The Technology Article

I learned what an Ipad is today. Apparently boys use them too, because before I thought it was just something only girls needed when their Aunt Flo was in town. I was wondering when they were going to make an Itampon. My mom upgraded our phones the other day and she got my sister an Iphone 4 and I got the latest Nokia. People always assume I have a tendency to lose things, but I'm more likely to drop them in Jello or watch in horror as they're swallowed by my old cat. Yeah, it turns out that's why the old one died. So I guess you could partly blame Curiosity. Well, he didn't swallow it whole, he ate it bit by bit when I took it apart to clean the Jello out of it. I'm not mad my sister got a better phone than me, but I wish she'd stop rubbing it in my face. She rubs everything in my face. It's always _Brittany, I get better grades than you_ or _I'm going to tell Mom about your secret blog_ or _oh I'm so lucky I don't have irritable bowels. _Well you know what, little sis? I have BOOBS. I can DRIVE. I wear THONGS. Sometimes. When I decide to wear underwear, which isn't really that often! I can do plenty of things you can't. So while you might have the latest Iphone, I have a drawer full of cute panties and bras!

* * *

Surprise?  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Surpriser

Santana, are you surprised? Because this edition of the Gazelle was delivered to you by me! It's like that time I told you I wanted a surprise party then I forgot all about it and you gave one to me anyway! Remember? You asked me how I was going to hand over your newspaper because you got all ragey-jealous of Artie and then I blogged about how I was planning something special just for you! This article is part of that. In case you haven't figured it out, I didn't go skydiving. There were too many complications! Mostly because our old parachute instructor died. Don't worry! It wasn't from falling out of a plane. He was fatally wounded by a stingray. The new instructor guy called me a liability and said I reminded him of the kid that pretended to get lost in that weather balloon. That made me so upset because I am probably a better skydiver than all the Power Rangers put together so I called him a Tattoo-face, which is the truth. He had a tattoo on his face. It was a tear drop.

So for Plan B (Quinn, I was told you were supposed to take this?), I took a page out of the Santana Lopez playbook and "persuaded" people to help me. It wasn't really all that hard, I just casually mentioned your name and everybody I asked complied! Right so I bet your wondering how I organized an entire pep rally devoted to you. Piece of cake! Literally. I gave Coach Sylvester a special piece of cake from Brett and she was more than willing to have the rest of the school fumigated so we could have our extravaganza in the gym. Also she mentioned something about repercussions and that just gave me the idea to invite the drumline. Which would have been awesome, but then this flutist overheard me talking to the drum major and she got like super jealous so I invited the whole marching band. The circus performers weren't originally in the picture either, but I called in a favor to my clown friends. I just know Mr. Kinney's gonna have a hard time with all that elephant poop though. LeBron said he'd try to make an appearance, but that's a bust. You know what they say, never trust a ho.

Anyway Santana, I hope this went to infinity and beyond your expectations, because you're my: _to infinity and beyond best friend forever_.

* * *

Blogging With Berry  
By: Rachel **Arcturus** Berry **(Get it? RAB. It's a Harry Potter joke. I don't even know Rachel's middle name)  
**Guest **Articleer  
****Edited By: Brittany S. Pierce**

Normally this is where Jacob Ben Israel, resident gossipmonger talks about his LarryHair account on twitter. He's out sick and I will be taking over. I think you readers will find my carefully thought out and well executed article more satisfying than his juicy rumor reel or his Rachel Radar segments. Everything I talk about on my blog is fair game here. First of all, if you didn't know, music is very important to me, as is my boyfriend, **Schminn Schmudson (Name changed).** Other important things? Grammar. Being a vegan. Eventually having a True Hollywood Story.

Let's start with music. Everyone knows I love Broadway, but I'm going to take a walk on the wild side. Here are a few non-musical theatre selections. I would gladly recommend anything Amy Winehouse. Despite her terrible track record with all the rehab incidents and tumultuous relationships, she has a soulful voice which I find quite calming. I also enjoy She & Him, the "she" being Zooey Deschanel. Not only does she star in 500 Days of Summer, but her vocals are also featured. I can only hope that as my Broadway career transitions into film, people demand I be given an E! True Hollywood Story.

**Schminn,** I must add, is adorably cute! He loves to cuddle. I'll try not to embarrass him any further.

People, often fans of my blog, want to know things about me. Such as my pet peeves. If you really want to know, it would have to be the mispronunciation of words such as library, supposedly, and frustrated. When they're referred to as libary, supposably, and fustrated, I tend to get a little upset. Never one to slack off, it appears I have gone over my word limit. Be sure to check out my blog at InfinityGoldStars! **And if you're looking for something different, mine's BrittanySparkles.**

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Baking With Brett  
By: Brett

McKinley (Get) High: I'd like to issue an apology. I was tripping when I suggested Brownies a La Weed in our Midmonth Spectacular. That Israel kid made me promise not to write about that shit no more, but since Brittnay's in charge, I smoked like two bowls before writing this. I remember she loved the meatloaf I made in home ec one time, although she kept asking where the bread was. She also suggested I change my segment to _Get Baked with Brett. _Anyway, the recipe is on page 4.

* * *

Not Jokes  
By: Brittany S. Pierce

I was looking on IKEA's website the other day and I saw a lamp called NOT. It reminds me of Borat. Not! Just kidding, it totally does! So this lamp is not available online. Seriously! Go look it up if you don't believe me. I'm a pretty reliable source! Not.

* * *

Advice Column  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
BAMF (which stands for Beautiful American Motocross Fans)

_ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Brittany, I used to worry my father thought of Finn as the son he never had. Now I'm afraid you're the child he always wanted. You two kind of hang out a lot and it's a little weird._

If you want me to stop dirt biking with him, I will. He's been trying to convince me to switch to four wheelers anyway. Artie's always on four wheels, but it's not the same. Anyway your dad is way cooler than mine! All I got from my dad are my blue eyes and the misfortune of pooping twelve times a day. But you don't even live at home anymore, right? You go to Blaze's private school… and Burtle Turtle's quesaritos are delicious.

_InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, I'm astounded at how much effort you actually put into this newspaper. I've always thought you were a terrific dancer, but I never realized how time consuming writing is. There's more than meets the eye with you._

Artie tells me that all the time. Or maybe he's talking to his Decepticon wheelchair. The way that thing's been rejecting Barbie lately there's no way it's an Autobot.

_Finntastic5 wrote: Hey Britt, can you please ask Rachel not to write about me in the Gazelle? I don't mind that all 19 of her blog entries include me in some shape or form, but you're editing her article, right? I love her, I really do, but I don't exactly want to be mentioned directly in the school newspaper. I'll get the crap kicked out of me. Especially if she mentions how much I love to cuddle or something lame like that._

Don't worry, Finn. I changed your name so I think you're safe.

_PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Brittizzle, I was wondering if I could meet ya for lunch and a few cocktails on Thursday. You been writing about me anymore in that newspaper of yours?_

April, what are you doing writing to me at school? I'll be right out to meet you though. I'll just leave this word doc up. No one will bother it while I'm gone. We can't take too long, I have two more questions to answer and I wonder what they are!

_SuspenderMan wrote: Britt, I think you might be going a little overboard with this whole Santana situation. Does she really need some elaborate gesture just to reassure her you're still best friends? I'm pretty sure a hug will suffice._

Look what we have here. I came to bring Brittany the lunch her mom dropped off and the first thing I see on her computer is Artie Fartie. Why exactly do you call yourself SuspenderMan? Is that supposed to be your superhero name? BossyBitchyBangin sounds like a kickass villain name to me so I think I'll keep it. I had a feeling your name might pop up in Britt's advice column. I'm not entirely sure why, though. If you're dating and this your only form of communication, that's pretty lame. Listen, Brittany and I have been friends for a long ass time, and if she wants to throw some huge celebration in my honor, what kind of 2 (sideways 8) BBFF would I be if I denied her that opportunity? You need to getz over it. And Quinn Fabray's a slut.

_Finntastic5 wrote: Brittany, I almost forgot. Could you not post my last question in your advice column?_

Well, well, well. What else have I stumbled upon? Schminn Schmudson, this is Schmantana Schmlopez calling. You know, you really pissed the wrong girl off, Schminny boy. I knew there was a reason I snuck into the journalism room today. Originally I was just going to bring Brittz her lunch, but this is so much more satisfying. Don't want the little woman to see your question? Whoops. Copied, pasted, and sent to the printers. They say evil takes a human form in Regina George… only because they haven't met Santana Lopez.


	23. Zombies

In Your Head... Zombie!  
By: Brittany Poops, Santana Lopez & Schmachel Schmerry  
Not Friends

**After last week's incident where Finn let it slip that he loves to cuddle, I decided to invite Rachel over to blog with me. She's been begging me to do it for a while now, but I am running out of reasons to say no. So here we are!**

Why thank you, Brittany. Knowing that makes me feel so much more at ease with Santana sitting right next to me breathing down my back. Which of course, was sarcasm.

Look. I promised Brittz there wouldn't be any funny business… even if I wanted to chop your body up and feed it to zombies.

**That totally reminds me. I was playing Left 4 Dead the other day and I was thinking about what the world would be like if there really was a zombie apocalypse. I've seen tons of zombie movies.**

I haven't seen any…

Really? Well good. I'd hate to be in a zombie apocalypse with you since you wouldn't last very long. Although with all the chaos I think I could justify homicide.

You can't be serious!

**You should just handcuff her to the roof of a building like in The Walking Dead. All bets are off during those things, right?**

Yeah.

**What would happen to Artie?**

God I hope if there really is a zombie apocalypse it happens soon.

Santana! You do realize Artie wouldn't last five minutes against zombies?

He'll be fine as long as he's going downhill. Once he's out of the picture though, Berry, you're next. Zombies target annoying Jews.

**Poor Jacob!**

Oh yeah B, that includes him too. I like this more and more.

**San… if there truly was a zombie apocalypse, who would you save?**

You, of course. I'd protect you. Plus Artie sure as hell couldn't. Which means we'd be free to-

**Apocalypsex?**

Yeah.

**I'll protect you too! Even in a world filled with flesh eaters, I'll be your rock… of love. We can get matching tattoos and wear bandanas and sing Brett Michaels while killing hoards of the undead.**

That's just so romantic. I can only hope Finn would do the same for me.

**Oh Santana I just thought of something. You can use magic to kill them. **

Brittany, I'm a Muggle.

**Are you sure because I overheard some football players say what a huge witch you are and I have to agree. Something about you is just so magical.**

I don't think that's exactly what they were implying, Brittany.

**Oh so what did they mean?**

Yeah Berry. I'm interested to know what they meant.

You see, Brittany, there are many connotations with the word witch. Some are good and others bad.

**Oh. They also mentioned something about her sacrificing animals and drinking their blood.**

Israeli, care to elaborate?

Perhaps they were referring to Santeria, the mystical Caribbean religion that includes ritual animal slaughter. It's deplorable, yet it does sound like something you'd partake in, Santana.

I don't practice Santeria.

**I ain't got no crystal ball!**

If I had a million dollars-

I'd pay you to shut up.

**Santeria… that sounds a lot like Ghanaria. **

Excuse me?

**You know, Ghanaria. It's a country.**

Ghana is a country. Gonorrhea is something Santana probably picked up from Noah.

Alright, that's it. You're dead, Berry.

**Santana, no! You can't keep threatening all of our special guests otherwise no one will ever want to blog with us again.**

What have I ever done to Rachel that was so bad?

**Let's see… One time you tried to start a rumor that Rachel was from the Shire. Then you also tried to say she and Finn fool around in the woods and one time I am pretty sure you wrote mean comments on her myspace. You also printed what was supposed to be a private conversation between Finn and I in the school newspaper. Oh and you told Rachel to burn her clothes.**

And in a bizarre turn of events, my wardrobe did indeed catch fire. I was rehearsing a scene from Beauty and the Beast. The candelabra had to be lit for the sake of authenticity! Don't look at me like that, Santana. There's no magic, no spark without it.

**Oooh magic!**

Once again, I'm a Muggle. And it's not my fault you left lit candles on your dresser, Beast. I assume that was the role you cast yourself in.

I hate to disagree-

**No you don't. You love it.**

But…

I think that about sums it up, Berry. I want to get the hell away from you.

**Not that I have to ask… but please condom! :) I will loves you foreverrrr**

I for one definitely enjoy getting condoms.

**Santana! Why did you change comment to condom?**

Why not?

**You could have at least made a clever joke… like condom mints. Condiments. Comments. Mint flavored condoms. Get it?**

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(24 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

SuspenderMan wrote: Um…..  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: oh yeah. That just happened.

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Britt, saw your facebook status. Did you really get out of a speeding ticket today?  
-BrittanySparkles wrote: Yup, sure did. I told him I could only drive with one eye…  
-LysdexicSam wrote: Like a Cyclops?  
-QueenQuinn wrote: Did you forget how to open the other one?  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Were you playing the drive with one eye game? I do that sometimes.  
-BrittanySparkles wrote: You guys make me sound so crazy! My left contact was bothering me and I didn't have any eye drops. Although the officer did ask if I was high.

MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, didn't Coach Sylvester prepare the Cheerios for a zombie invasion?  
-BrittanySparkles wrote: Yeah she did. We had to read the Zombie Survival Guide and learn lots of other techniques. We've also chased storms and trucked icy roads.  
-BurtsGotGuts wrote: Looks like you could teach that Bear Grylls a thing or two about survival. Maybe we can hit up the shooting range this weekend. Couldn't hurt, impending zombie apocalypse or not.

LysdexicSam wrote: Poison rocks!  
-BrittanySparkles wrote: Ahhhhh! Where?  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Yeah dude, stay away from poisonous boulders.

PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA, WHAT POISON SONG ARE YOU AND BRITT GONNA SING WHILE SLAYING ZOMBIES?  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Talk Dirty to Me  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Mailman... I mean, I love you Rachel.

QueenQuinn wrote: Brittany, you can't just add X to every word that ends in SE so that it says SEX at the end. Like in biology freshman year when you had that huge discussion with our teacher about prophasex, metaphasex, anaphasex, and telophasex.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hey Quinn, let's play hangman. F _ C K. Y _ _. Care to buy a vowel?

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: How-dy! Ya know, I think I've dated a zombie or two in my day. Brittz, swang by your house yesterday, but you weren't there. Your mom didn't quite believe me when I told her I was a friend from school. Anyways, she invited me in for coffee, but I had my ole box o'wine with me. I couldn't help but notice your dad's a pretty attractive fella! Are your parents divorced?  
-SuspenderMan wrote: April, I don't think it's a very good idea if you and Brittany hang out anymore. This friendship isn't healthy.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: We finally agree on something, Fartie.

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Thank you ever so much, Brittany and Santana, for allowing me to blog with you. It was truly a unique experience although I will need a few years worth of therapy to erase some of those mental images from my mind. In case you were wondering, my foray into journalism via the McKinley High Gazette garnered three comments between my twenty-seven blog posts. Regardless, one was from Finn and the other two myself, but it's a start! And now that we've blogged together, I can only imagine I will get at least seven. However, I find it hard to believe that my fellow glee clubbers don't follow it because as you know, I have lots of ideas. Should any of you choose to blog with me, I would be willing to negotiate a small solo (one to two lines. Three at the most, maybe a run) at sectionals, if I am satisfied with your blog skills. That's a big if.  
-BrittanySparkles wrote: Sextionals? Hehe


	24. Sextionals

**Author's Note: Hey guys! Sorry about the long time between updates. I meant to post this last weekend, but it happened to be my 21st birthday so pretty much everything else got pushed to the side. Then today I went into a writing frenzy simply because I was trying to keep my mind off the fact that my tire blew out on the interstate which scared the bejeezus out of me. I didn't crash or anything though, just had to get over 5 lanes so I could pull off onto the shoulder. In other news, I also started working on a zombie apocalypse fic. Expect that sometime soon, I guess. Thanks for all the reviews - Lulu**

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Sextionals  
By: Brittany S. Pierce

Although my Ke$ha audition piece wasn't selected for sectionals, I am pretty glad I got a dance solo. And I won't lie, it's gonna be so awesome! We're on our way to sextionals right now.

Santana and I upheld our little tradition of pigging out on junk food a couple of days before the big competition. We went to like seven different fast food joints and I ordered cum at the drive thru every time, but nobody seemed to have any! Santana said that was a good thing, she didn't want any special sauce. Then for whatever reason we did laundry and sang our special laundry song which goes:

_Panties on the floor  
__Panties on the floor  
__Lookin' like a whore  
__With your panties on the floor_

That weird Mr. Ryerson came over the other day since he's a member of my mom's book club. My kitty tripped him up and he said KILL YOURSELF. So then I was thinking I don't have a name for my cat yet. And you know how curiosity killed the cat? So that's what I came up with. I named it Curiosity in the event that it might kill itself due to low self-esteem.

Currently Listening To: Oh Nana, What's My Name? By Rihanna. It's the sweetest song about Alzheimer's disease ever.

* * *

-Edit-

With all this drama going down I figured I would update. We're in the green room right now and fighting! And since everybody in the club follows my blog, they should get a text message about it right…now.

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(65 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz, if I manage to make someone cry before we go on stage, you have to slap my ass at the start of our performance  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: You're on! Prepare to be not-slapped  
-BroadwayBryan wrote: I love a good slap bet  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: This isn't a game, Santana. You've been messing with people's emotions for fart oo long!  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: You wrote fart

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Mick L. Obe. Michelob. I get it now!  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Not now, Zizes.

QueenQuinn wrote: I kind of feel like a princess in these dresses.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Oh me too! My favorite's Areola.  
-QueenQuinn wrote: Brittany! Do you know what an areola is?  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Well I remember when I was little I used to pull my shirt up over my head a lot and my mom would always tell me my areolas were showing, but I thought that was a compliment since she was the best Disney princess.  
-LysdexicSam wrote: Don't you mean Ariel?  
-AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Or Aurora?  
-ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: That is so not right

InfinityGoldStars wrote: I REFUSE to go on. I know I said that already, but I wanted it to be known on the internet.

AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Oh this is a damn mess.  
-Finntastic5 wrote: You can say that again  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: This is a damn mess!  
-Finntastic5 wrote: No, Britt. Just no.

PuckerUp wrote: BABY IF U WANTED CUM ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK :)  
-LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: My place. Six O'Clock, Puckerman.  
-PuckerUp wrote: WHAT WAS THAT? SIX O'COCK?

LadyDemon wrote: I am so unbelievably mad at you.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Is this because I called you Cho Chang all of freshman year?  
-LadyDemon wrote: I have nothing else to say.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: So why did you comment in the first place?  
-LadyDemon wrote: I- huh. You win this round, Pierce. But stay away from my man!  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: But we have to dance together  
-LadyDemon wrote: oh right

MChanganator3000 wrote: Tina, how could you think I'd cheat after I bought you those Asian tampons?  
-LadyDemon wrote: Why do the tampons have to be Asian? And why did you say this on Brittany's blog?  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Crazy Asians ^_^  
-LadyDemon wrote: Don't make me unleash my inner lady demon on you, Finn

LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, what was the name of King Arthur's sword?  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Sexcalibur!  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Wanky

PuckerUp wrote: ANARCHY  
-PuckerUp wrote: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I LOVE IT  
-BurtsGotGuts wrote: Nice Ricky Bobby reference, Puckerman.  
-ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Dad! Were you watching my performance just a minute ago?  
-BurtsGotGuts wrote: Of course. When's Brittany's dance solo again?  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Not cool, Burt  
-BurtsGotGuts wrote: What? Kurt didn't get a solo this time. I still watched. Did I mention I got flowers for Kurt and all of NewD irections? Well, mostly leftover from the wedding, but still.

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, I need to talk to you.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Uh oh Brittzzz. Run away fast as you can, preferably uphill.  
-SuspenderMan wrote: Santana, this is between Brittany and me.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Artie, I am so glad we just made up! I won't lie; I am a little disappointed that comb isn't magic. Now I'll never be able to tame Jacob's jewfro.  
-SuspenderMan wrote: Remember what we talked about? We need to rally everyone together! Get pumped. Ps. Santana, I don't really appreciate you singing Runaway by Kanye West whenever I'm anywhere near Britt.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Let's have a toast for the douchebags  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: That's counterproductive! We need to work as a team. San, you're my best friend. Help me with this.

Brittany$parkles wrote: When everyone says it can't be done, ducks fly together!  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Quack  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Not to copy Santana or anything, because as everyone knows that would be the last thing I'd ever do, but since I don't have a solo today, it's going to take everyone's best effort in order to win. Quack  
-PuckerUp wrote: QUACK  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Yeah man. Count me in. Quack  
-MChanganator3000 wrote: Let's kick their butts and dim sum! (Get it? And then some?) Quack!  
-LysdexicSam wrote: Quake!  
-QueenQuinn wrote: Close, Sam. Quack ;)  
-LadyDemon wrote: Asian or not, you can count this duck in too. Quack!  
-AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Flying V formation! What? I saw it. Who hasn't? Quack!  
-SuspenderMan wrote: I'm proud of you. Quack quack, Britt  
-ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Warblers can quack too! :)  
-LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Y'all are quackers.

Finntastic5 wrote: I just remembered. We can't quack. We have to make gazelle noises. That's why our school newspaper is called the gazelle, right? It's our mascot. Birds of a feather flock together but gazelles of a glee club graze together.  
-SuspenderMan wrote: Srsly, Finn? We're the Titans.


	25. Offensive Things

Listen, I am less than thrilled to be here, but you know what? I promised Brittz I'd do this blog without her. She said it had been a few days between updates and whatnot so here I am at my house… with Queern Fabray and Noah Phuckerman. I was supposed to invite Schmachel Schmerry (name changed, although if you can't figure out who the hell I'm talking about then you're dumber than Puck when he robbed that convenience store), but I think that invitation got lost in the mail. And for the record, April, you are not invited either. So don't just show up at my house thinking you have a new place to squat because I will unleash the dogs on you. And I will keep your box of wine. Anyway Brittz, you'll probably see this sometime after your gyno appointment and I hope everything turned out ok… So without further ado I give you:

What the F_rea_k Are We All Doing Here  
By: A Slut, BossyBitchyBangin, and Phuckup  
_Also known as: Quinn, Santana, and Puck. And no, I am not a slut.  
_Also also known as: Queen of all Sluts. In the land of Slutsylvania. Capital City: Slutsville.  
WHAT'S A HUCKUP? IS THAT LIKE A COMBO OF HICCUP AND CHUCKING STUFF UP?  
_I hope Beth doesn't inherit your brains.  
_I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE. COULDN'T READ IT…  
Ok I'm ending this title. The sooner we start, the sooner we'll be done.

* * *

_All you readers out there should probably know one thing before we start._

You're gay?

_No. It's that I had to change the title to Freak because Brittany hates when Santana uses the f word._

We've been blogging a grand total of five minutes and I already want to strangle you. Congratulations. It took Schmachel ten.

_Be that as it may, we're going to answer some more questions. Here's one specifically for you, Santana. Do you pray every morning to Satan?_

YOU BET, BITCH. I ALREADY GOT THAT 666 TATTOO OUT OF RESPECT FOR MY MASTER.

What the fuck. Fuck you. I will kill you Puck. Don't think that I won't. Because it will be slow and painful and everyone knows you responded to that question and not me because you're a dumbass who can't figure out caps lock. But to answer the question, I don't pray to Satan. Satan prays to me, Queern.

_Why do you keep calling me Queern?_

That's what I call people named Quinn who are gay. Duh.

_I'm not gay, Santana. _

Sure you aren't. By the way, who sent that question in? Fartie?

I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD TELL YOU. BRITTANY MIGHT GET MAD AT YOU IF YOU KILL HER BOYFRIEND FOR ASKING THAT.

_Way to go._

I can always count on you, Phuckup.

IT'S PUCKERUP.

Uh huh. Of course it is. So where does Fartie live again?

_Not answering that. Next question. Ok. Who is the worst sexual partner you've ever had?_

Finn. Hands down.

_Was he really that bad?_

Yes. Yes he was. Let me put it this way... I cut my finger on a bush outside the motel and I bled longer than the sex lasted.

WHAT A PRICK!

_That joke was so not funny, Puck._

NO I MEAN FINN. HE TOOK YOU TO THE SUPER 8, DIDN'T HE, SANTANA? THAT WAS OUR SPOT.

Damn I can't believe I ever had a spot with you. Let alone at the Super 8. You could have at least sprung for the Holiday Inn.

I'D LIKE TO SEE MS. HOLIDAY'S INN

_Ugh. I am so glad I'm done with you. But speaking of worst sexual experiences, you are definitely mine._

BUT I'M ALSO YOU'RE BEST.

Yeah! How you like that loophole, Queern Fabray?

_Need I remind you, Santana, that you were dating Puck at the time? _

Don't make me go all Lima Heights Adjacent on you, Teen Mom!

QUINN, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU SO I'LL BE GENTLE, BUT DAMN! YOU WERE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. I MEAN, ALL YOU DID WAS LIKE LIE THERE. AND WE ONLY DID IT ONCE. I PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS HAVE REPEAT CUSTOMERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'

_Whatever._

SATAN, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT MAD AT ME FOR CALLING BRITT BITCHANY THREE YEARS AGO, BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE WHEN I CALLED YOU LO-PEZ DISPENSER IN THE FOURTH GRADE?

I just don't even know how to respond to that.

_Me either. So I'm going to move on. This was submitted anonymously, but I'm pretty sure I know who it's from. It reads: Describe the first time you ever met Rachel Berry. Note that anything you say may be used in a future episode of True Hollywood Story._

Oh please, for the love of Satan, let me go first. The very first time I ever met Rachel Freakin' Berry was in second grade. I disliked her immediately because she could write in cursive really well and Brittz was stuck on M or N or something. So I did what any aspiring evildoer seven year old would. I purposely tripped Wheezy and she squashed Rachel. The end.

_The first time I met Rachel it was love at first sight!_

I knew it.

_Santana. You can just delete that right now. I look away for five seconds to text Sam and this is what you do? You know that Brittany isn't at the gyno or whatever BS excuse she gave you? She's on a date with Artie, but she didn't want to tell you otherwise you never would have agreed to do this. She told me to give you this note:_

**Dear Satanic,**

**Whoops! I mean Santana. That dang auto-correct! Anyway, I am not at the lady doctor like I originally told you. I am really and truly on my dream date with my boyfriend of... well, I don't know exactly how long it's been, but this is my longest relationship ever. And while douche-tastic is a pretty awesome word, I don't like it when you use it to describe Artie. Ok, sure he says gross words like moist and he never really understands when I'm talking about Curiosity or Georgia O'Queef… Which is my cat and you, San, in case you forgot. Although he is an avid reader of my blog, I guess he must have skimmed over those parts. It's whatevs! I just wanted a nice day out at the museum with Artie. **

**xoxoxoxo,  
****Brittz (with a Z because I know you like adding Z's to thingz)**

Oh my God. Did he _kidnap_ her? Why the hell else would she want to go to a museum? What in the fucking world is going on here? First of all, Brittany totally loves going to the gynecologist so of course I believed her. That's because one day she was supposed to go to the dentist and she ended up in the wrong office. B missed every dentist appointment until we went to the world's hottest teeth scraper ever. Second of all, a _museum? _Seriously? Like what. the. fuck. I bet it's a wheelchair museum. She has to be bored as hell. Thirdly, that is not her dream date. It's going to Cedar Point and riding all the roller coasters and I'm pretty damn sure Fartie can't even ride any of those fuckin things. Fourth, why would she feel like she had to lie to me? I'm her best friend.

_Maybe she wouldn't feel that way if you would just be supportive of her decisions. And honestly, Santana, I'd lie to you too. You're being a really terrible best friend by making her feel like crap. You're not as awesome as you think._

It's scientifically proven that I am awesome. My dad paid a bunch of people to run some tests. It's genetic. Damn, when did blogging become so serious? Like I care if my best friend wants to spend more time with her boyfriend than me. Santana Lopez has no feelings.

_Just testicles. What? You set yourself up on that one. I know it's your favorite quote from Bring It On. You're the one who keeps bringing up how jealous you are, Santana. Like when you had that fight a couple of months ago._

Fine. I guess she doesn't need my help anymore.

YEAH SHE DOES. WHAT ABOUT LAST TIME JUST THE THREE OF US WENT TO DINNER AND YOU AND BRITT SAT ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE BOOTH.

How exactly did I help her?

WELL SHE KEPT BUMPING YOUR ELBOW AND YOU GOT REALLY ANNOYED SO YOU MADE HER SWITCH WITH YOU. THAT WAY HER RIGHT HAND AND YOUR LEFT WOULDN'T KEEP KNOCKING INTO EACH OTHER.

Ok, that was like the lamest example you could have possibly given. Normally she's not bad about bumping me, but for whatever reason she was sitting obnoxiously close to me and just kept doing it.

_You know you like it when she sits super close to you, San. But she'll always need you. Like last year in Spanish class when Britt wrote her phone number, date of birth, driver's license number, and social security number on her various papers instead of her name because she mixed up nombre and numero. You came up with a song to help her remember the difference._

Oh good lord, that song was so embarrassing.

BUT IT WORKED. SO SING IT. DAMN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LYRICS.

I forget the lyrics. So I couldn't even if I wanted.

_Oh I remember. It goes a little something like this:_

_I know the difference between nombre and numero  
__Would you like for me to share-o  
__Nombre means name and I would like to know thine  
__Numero means number and I'll give you mine  
__Now we are the best of friends  
__Fun is something that never ends_

HAHA. WHO SAYS THINE?

Ok I have to go transfer to the female equivalent of Dalton now. It sucked knowing all of you minus Brittany.

DIDN'T YOU SAY LIKE A MILLION GAY JOKES ABOUT AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL? WOULDN'T THOSE SAME JOKES APPLY TO AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL?

_Brilliant, Puck. Maybe Beth has a bright academic future ahead of her after all._

I STILL WISH SHE HAD BEEN BORN WITH A MOHAWK.

_Then again, maybe not._

_

* * *

_

(50 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

InfinityGoldStars wrote: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INVITED?  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: But you weren't ;)  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: But I love blogging. It's now one of my top three priorities since Finn and I…  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Would you like me to call a Wahhhhmbulance?  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Your song is terrible!  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You take that back! Where you live? I will cut you. LHA style.

SuspenderMan wrote: It wasn't a wheelchair museum…  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: That's right, you call it an Autobot. You go to the widdle autobotz moo-see-um, Artie Fartiekins?  
-LysdexicSam wrote: it's a Decepticon, actually.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Butt out, Bieber.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: So Quinn, did your application for Sixteen and Pregnant get rejected last year?  
-QueenQuinn wrote: Why? Upset you didn't make the final cut of COPS?  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: That would be Puck, actually.  
-PuckerUp wrote: IT'S TRUE. I WAS UPSET.

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: This sucks without Brittany.  
-QueenQuinn wrote: You take that back!  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Oh you think you know? Try blogging with these two numbskulls. That's hard.  
-LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: I'd rather listen to Brittany have a conversation with a wall.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'd rather listen to the sound of my fist punching you in the face.  
-QueenQuinn wrote: So hostile, Santana. I kind of think you need anger management.

AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Hmm. I don't remember squashing Rachel.  
-InfinityGoldStars wrote: Nor do I recall being squashed  
-MovedAwayMatt wrote: I remember that  
-AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: You don't even go here… anymore

LysdexicSam wrote: Hey Santana, I saw your facebook status was a line from Every Rose Has Its Thorn and I just thought you should know that Poison rules!  
-Finntastic5 wrote: of course there are rules for handling poison. Have you not seen the skull and crossbones that are usually associated with poisonous objects?  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I thought the skull and crossbones were for pirates  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Pirates are poisonous?  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Are they toxic like Britney Spears?  
-Finntastic5 wrote: Britney Spears is a pirate?  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hold up. We're friends on facebook?

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz, come over.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: ok. Let me put on some pants.  
-BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You're never wearing pants when I need you to be wearing pants!  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: You're always wearing pants when I need you to not be wearing pants! Haha jk. But seriously… When I'm not wearing them, I feel so free. It's like they were never invented.

Finntastic5 wrote: Hey Brittany, what's the reading for English?  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I think it was on the syllable.  
-QueenQuinn wrote: Syllabus.  
-Finntastic5 wrote: It was on a bus?

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, I had a great time on our date today. I'm glad you really enjoyed the museum because I did too!  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: Aww thank you! I hope you're not mad I tried to recreate that scene in National Treasure where he goes into the gift shop and pretends to steal a copy of the Declaration of Independence.  
-SuspenderMan wrote: Hey, it's ok. You probably would've gotten away with it if you hadn't tried to steal a globe.  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: I should've just given it to you. Nobody suspects the kid in the wheelchair.  
-SuspenderMan wrote: They do if I have a big object in my lap...  
-PuckerUp wrote: OH YEAH  
-MChanganator3000 wrote: Who are you supposed to be, Puck? The Kool-Aid man?

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: SuspenderMan, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. xoxo, BBB  
-PuckerUp wrote: IT'D BE KINDA TOUGH FOR YOU TO TAKE A PISS ON HIM, WOULDN'T IT? YOU'D HAVE TO SQUAT OVER HIM AND THEN THE FLAMES MIGHT TOAST YOUR VAG A LITTLE BIT. BUT THEN AGAIN, I AM A FAN OF CRUNCHY TOAST.

LadyDemon wrote: There were so many offensive things in this blog  
-Brittany$parkles wrote: So… can I still call you Cho Chang? Because we never really cleared that up last time.


	26. December 2010

December 2010

_Due to the journalism teacher's untimely illness, which I, Sue Sylvester, had absolutely nothing to do with, the December issue of the William McKinley High School Gazette has been CANCELLED. That's right. You read that correctly. So if you're reading this, then that means you are smart enough to figure out how to work a computer for this is the SUE SYLVESTER ONLINE CHEERIOS EXTRAVAGANZA! My squad of champions deserves a little reward for their death-defying risks and potentially paralyzing stunts every now and then. After all, what kind of coach would I be if I didn't instill a sense of pride in them? Anyway, Cheerleading Monthly Magazine wanted to do an interview with not only me, but my star performers as well. However, they refused to pay me for my services so I decided that we'd take our little show elsewhere, like the McKinley HS website. And as you well know, these interviews are only going to cost you $10 to read. And ten more if you accidently hit refresh. And ten more if you stay on the page too long. And ten more if you are viewing this from Canada, Vermont, Hawaii, or the Ben Israel household. Credit/Debit only. You can pay __here__._

_Brittany Pierce_

_Santana Lopez_

_Quinn Fabray_

_

* * *

__Meet Brittany Pierce, my best dancer. Other activities include the newspaper, the club which shall not be named, and gallivanting through the streets naked. Formerly the slut of the celibacy club. I used to think she had cheese for brains, Swiss cheese at that, but I have come to realize that perhaps she is smarter than ALL OF YOU. After all, she probably should still be in seventh grade. Yet here she is, in her third of probably five years of high school, defying the odds. Somehow she even convinced you snot-nosed slush-heads that you should be asking her for advice. Yeah, she gives her Barbies advice too, you idiots. For another ten dollars you can see her picture __here__. Sure, I had to bribe Figgins to allow her to write anything online, but she's in high demand. And if you feel like reading to whatever she has to write, which tends to be interesting to say the least, see below._

Oh my gosh, Hi! It's like I'm famous! I get to be on the WMHS website again. It's like my dream come true. Blogging is so much fun, but this the real deal. When Coach Sylvester called me to her office and asked me a bunch of questions about journalism and newspaper and stuff I was so excited! Some of her questions were a little weird like what my teacher's allergies were, but I didn't care! Coach finally recognized my talents outside of the Cheerios. Oh! I just remembered so many things I didn't mention to her the first time like tying my shoes! My mom convinced me a couple years ago that they stopped making Velcro shoes in my size and that it was finally time for me to learn.

You clicked my link to learn all about me right? Ok. Here's what you should know. I'm 17, a junior, and I love my cat, Charity. Her name was Curiosity, but I got really scared she was gonna kill herself so I changed it. I am popular and I have a boyfriend. Even though before we started dating, I made out with practically everybody. Like seriously, I had more kisses than a Hershey's factory. My best friend Santana is the absolute best! We do everything together! You know, some people look up to Lindsay Blowhan and other celebrities, but I look up to Santana. She's always got this… swag. Haha. It's like she hops up out the bed and turns her swag on every morning. And me, I'm pretty fierce too. People call me Fierce Pierce from time to time. Ok, more like one time. Ok, I called myself that.

Anyway, it's December! Yay! I already started my letter to Santa, of course. Santana always writes one too, because I make her. Hers always starts out the same way. It says, "Dear Santa, Let me explain." Then it goes into all the gory details of all the bad stuff she's done. Then she ends it with, "I don't know why I'm even writing you, Santa, I've been the naughtiest girl on Earth." Then she gives me the most important task of mailing them to Santa and I do!

Hope you enjoyed! Love and peace!

* * *

_Meet Santana Lopez. Other activities include: being a pain in the ass, probably Spanish club with all the other taco eaters, and singaholics anonymous. She's breast friends forever with one Brittany Pierce. If she goes to college, Senorita Lopez plans to join a sorority just so she can have a support group with like-boobed people. You know… the fake kind. Becky, what do you mean I have to say something nice about her? What do you mean you're typing everything I say word for word? Oh. You're right. That is what a scribe is. Well, Sandbags has a decent looking face if you can tear your eyes away from her chest long enough to look. She has an awful personality, that's for sure. I had a really good joke about Titty Titty Bang Bang, but I can't put that on the website, can I? What a shame. Hey Becky, what do you say we go grab some lunch? Oh yeah. You can see Santana's picture __here__ for free. This might be the first time her image pops up on your computer, but it'll probably the last time she has clothes on. Don't worry, the picture I linked is just her yearbook photo. How's Chinese sound, Becky?_

I really despise Coach Sylvester for making me do this. It's bad enough I have to blog all the damn time with Brittany. Although she might tell you that I secretly love blogging, I so don't. I have much better things I could be doing with my time. Like tanning, even though I'm Latina and totes don't need to tan. Or I could be filing my nails. And you can just forget about anything that Coach told you about me, because it's most likely a lie. Did you know that Sue is supposed to have a budget to feed us when we go on trips and stuff? You know what she really uses that money for since we're not allowed to eat? Track suits. What she should do is let us eat as many complimentary Breadstix as we can shove in our mouths.

Well since you paid ten dollars, ya gonna getz ya moneyz worth. Here's what you need to know about me. But I ain't telling you enough for you to come creep on me. Because we have attack dogs. And I will unleash them on you, just like I will set them loose on April! Ya hear that, Spray Tan? You come around my house and you can just forget about walking ever again. I'm not a total heartless bitch though. I will hook you up with a wheelchair should my dogs break your spinal cord. Granted, I'd have to steal it from this other cripple I know, but it's whatever. I can only describe him as McLovin on four wheels. Like seriously, he is so awkward. He breathes all heavy and junk. He also does this thing where sometimes he talks all ghettos like he's from the hood or something. Yeah, I could teach him a little somethin' somethin' LHA style, but I ain't gonna. That's not the only thing about him that bothers me, ya know? Like, I do this thing every year where I write a letter to Santa with Britt and that's it. I don't say or do anything else to keep convincing her he's real. It was sort of like her parents never told her because they didn't want her to ruin it for her little sister, but then that whole thing just kind of blew up in their faces because she's 17 and she still believes in Santa. But Artie- wait til you hear this- Artie is going all out. He is taking her to the mall to see some fatass in a red suit. And he's dragging all of us along with him. I wouldn't go except I know it would break her freakin' heart. Ugh. I just want some bling for Christmas.

* * *

_Meet Quinn Fabray. Other activities include: birthing bastard children, that despicable glee club, and talking through her nose. She used to organize Chastity Balls, but if her other activities are any indication, she doesn't anymore. She's a somewhat decent head cheerleader as long as she doesn't lactate during practice. That was part of our agreement when she returned to the squad. __Here__ is her picture for $15._

Sorry. Hilary Duff, I mean Quinn, was sick the day we had to fill these out. So as her close friend, I thought I'd fill it in for her. It's Santana, again, btw. Quinnie Quinn Quinn. What's there to know? Quinn may seem like a goody good, but really she is a lying POS. Kidding. But not really. She had a baby then gave it up for adoption. Sadly, MTV never got back to her on her application for Sixteen and Pregnant, but maybe I was the one who sent it in. Whoops! Nor did they respond to the Teen Mom app I sent in either.

Basically that's all there is to Quinn. She's a slut.

* * *

(57 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hey Brittz, have you ever noticed that there's a locker between ours?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah. It's the strangest thing. I don't think I've ever seen anybody use it. I wonder whose it is.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Probably some geek who's too intimidated by our beauty to even come near it  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Maybe it's Tina's. She's Asian and all stealthy ninja-like. Or Mike. And they're just so fast we never see them!  
- LadyDemon wrote: Normally this is where I would say stop stereotyping Asians, but at the moment I'm having trouble getting past this level of Angry Birds. Those dang pigs! They keep smiling at me! How did they not die that time?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You're killing pigs?  
- LadyDemon wrote: Relax. It's just a game. You'd be addicted too

Finntastic5 wrote: Hey! I was expecting to have to pay money for all of this, but it didn't even take my credit card information.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Well, you see Finn, Coach Sylvester has ignored just about every standard in the teaching code of ethics including but not limited to professional conduct, abuse of students, etc. Personally, I was shocked to discover she wanted to profit from the pictures (except Santana's of course) without express written consent especially when that is such an unflattering angel for Quinn. Also, since those profits are going directly to Coach Sylvester, I knew that I could not let her get away with it! So I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Wait, you know all this stuff about ethics yet you mixed up angle with angel?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I never said I was perfect, Quinn. To continue with my story, I enlisted the help of Becky and Jacob to ensure that all content on this page was free. However, I did encode a timer on this portion of the website that will delete everything on here in a week. Should Coach or someone from the administration try to access this, it will self-destruct. But not literally, because then their computers would explode too. I think.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Won't she get mad when she realizes she's not getting any money?  
- QueenQuinn wrote: We can just say no one visited the site.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah. That was definitely my sister who said and did all that stuff… She logged in under my name. Maybe I should change my password from 1234. She's really smart though, isn't she? People say she takes after me.

Brittany$parkles wrote: Tina, I need an answer. Yes to Cho Chang or no?  
- LadyDemon wrote: Fine whatever. Gotta get those golden eggs.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz, I've tried calling you like three times. Whatever you do, don't read my segment. Please… just don't read it.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: You said the magic word, so I won't! Why though? Did you write about all the kinky stuff we do did or something?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: No! Nothing like that. But I am really starting to regret it now.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Haha. Ok. I just have one condition… Any other comments you make on here has to be a song lyric.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Are you sure? Because in case you haven't noticed, I'm hilarious. People enjoy my comments. Ok fine. If that's what it's gonna take, I'll do it.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: loooooooooooves you!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: lovezzz you too

PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'm bossy. I'm the bitch you love to hate  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: What did you say you wanted for Christmas again, San?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Brattiny, I have to say goodbye for now. I am going on a Christmas Cruise with one of my man friends. Hope your little friend Speedy Gonzalez doesn't cry herself a river when all she gets is coal on Christmas morning.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: it's not goodbye. I'll see you later!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Boats and Hoes  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: And P.S.- Crunchwrap Supreme, I ain't afraid of your dogs. What do you got? A Chihuahua?  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailin on a boat!  
- QueenQuinn wrote: wrong song, Sam

QueenQuinn wrote: Santana! I saw what you wrote about me! You did not call me Hilary Duff!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Santana would like me to relay the following message: Yes, yes she did. She also says she thinks she can get you on True Life: I'm a Celebrity Look-A-Like.

BakedBrett wrote: This is trippyyyyy  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Oh Brett. You used to have so much POTential.  
- LadyDemon wrote: Hey, does anybody know what they called the area between the Tigres and Euphrates?  
- MChanganator3000 wrote: That would be MesoPOTamia, Tina.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Sam, would you like a banana?  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Why yes, they are an excellent source of POTassium. That was what you were going for, right?  
- SuspenderMan wrote: fo sho. Brittany, what's your favorite animal?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I would have to say a hippoPOTamus.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Britt, do you wanna work on some routines later? You could probably use a sPOTter.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: I think I need to use the POTty.  
- BakedBrett wrote: I feel like there's a hidden message in here. Are you trying to tell me something?

BroadwayBryan wrote: Track suit up!

Brittany$parkles wrote: San, can you help me with my math homework?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: The square root of 69 is ate somethin'  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Don't you mean 8 something?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Nope ;)  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Mailman mailman!  
- PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA TEXTED ME AND TOLD ME TO WRITE WANKY SINCE APPARENTLY SHE'S BRITTANY'S BITCH.  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: And that makes you Santana's bitch.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Oh that's … I just got that and now I have to erase images from my mind! Why would you say that? First killing pigs and now this?

MChanganator3000 wrote: Tina? You still there?  
- LadyDemon wrote: Can't talk. Playing angry birds.


	27. Jackpot

_Jackpot  
__By: Jacob Ben Israel_

_I know what you're thinking, and no, this isn't my LarryHair account on Twitter. I am indeed blogging with Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez. As you may know, earlier this month I was called upon to get these two hotties out of a jam. So in return for my generosity, they grudgingly agreed to be interviewed. Note: This may contain portions of the infamous unedited Santana Lopez interview from months ago. And be sure to check out my blog for any pictures I'm able to take with my camera phone. With any luck, I'll get some side-boob shots. Let's begin._

* * *

_Jacob Ben Israel: How are you doing today?_

**Brittany S. Pierce: Santana's pissed off because the new guy at the liquor store turned down her fake ID.**

Santana Lopez: It's so legit! How could he refuse my business like that?

**BSP: It says you're almost six feet tall… and thirty five years old.**

SL: Whatever. Age is just a number.

**BSP: No, silly. Age is a word! Three is a number, and it's a magic one. Schoolhouse Rock and Britney Spears taught me that.**

SL: Well, Susan, when I told you to go in there and work your magic, you got my fake taken away! All you had to do was take him outside in the alley, away from the security cameras, and flash him. You didn't have to pretend to be my enraged mother who couldn't believe he refused to sell alcohol to your 35-year old daughter!

**BSP: I look good for having a child who is in her mid thirties. Plus you know I hate being called Susan and you said you'd only do that if I ever showed anybody the unedited interview. So maybe I want my friendship bracelet back.**

_JBI: Whoa, trouble in paradise?_

SL: It just slipped, okay? And you're not really the one I'm really frustrated with, Brittz, so sorry for taking it out on you. Just move on, geek.

_JBI: Oh, you mean me? Ok… Lots of my fellow AV club members wanted me to ask you this, among other things. What's a superpower you wish you had?_

SL: The ability to kill people with just one look.

**BSP: Turn everything pink!**

_JBI: What song did you lose your virginity to?_

SL: Get Ur Freak On.

**BSP: I think there was a movie in the background… or we were in the background of a movie. I can't remember.**

_JBI: Can you really crack walnuts with your thighs?_

SL: Like a pro.

**BSP: My mom said I'm not supposed to have nuts anywhere near my thighs, but I think she was talking about boys. Although I'm pretty sure she figured out I'm not a virgin when she picked me up after cheerleading practice one day and a bunch of the football players slut-sneezed at me.**

SL: Brittany! Where was I? You didn't tell me about that. I could've done something to make them shut up.

**BSP: I mean, they were saying stuff about you too. So I don't really think you could've prevented the whole team from doing it. It wasn't any of the glee guys though, so don't go cracking any nuts, okay?**

SL: Still… I'll figure something out for those Lima losers. I swear.

_JBI: That was a really intimate moment between two friends. The only thing that could have made it better is if you were both naked._

SL: Asshole.

_JBI: It's in the job description. Now pick your poison._

SL: Flaming Dr. Peppers.

**BSP: Poison? Ahhhh! I knew you were gonna try to kill us, Jacob! Finn, if you're reading this, save yourself! You're the only other person who believes that Britney Spears is a pirate! Look out for poison rocks and remember your poison rules!**

SL: Calm down. My dad's a doctor, remember?

**BSP: Oh. Well now I just feel silly!**

_JBI: Favorite word… Go._

**BSP: Swaffelen. It was the Dutch word of the year in 2008 or 2009. I can't remember which.**

SL: Not this. Brittz, I thought we weren't going to discuss this on your blog. Or like ever, ever again.

_JBI: And what does that mean?_

SL: None ya business.

**BSP: It's to swing one's penis around and hit stuff with it to get horny! If you had only read the unedited Santana Lopez interview you would know that!**

SL: Brittany Susan Pierce! That is never gonna happen! You pinky promised. This is already stressing me out. I'll be right back.

_JBI: Wait, you do all your blogs and stuff on your computer here, don't you, Brittany? And they're all saved as word docs, correct? So you wouldn't mind if I were to take a little peek… at some of them, right?_

**BSP: Oh well Santana just stormed out in a fit of rage so I suppose it couldn't hurt! But can I show you something first?**

_JBI: Your boobs?_

**BSP: Huh?**

_JBI: Nothing, never mind. Is it Rachel's panties?_

**BSP: No, nothing silly like that. It's my glass unicorn collection! Jk. I gave all those to my sister. Relax, it's just a youtube video. I'm a Snake!**

_JBI: That's quite alright-_

SL: It's her favorite video, loser. Just watch it.

_JBI: Didn't realize you had reemerged from the depths of hell, Satan… Santana. _

SL: I'll be sure to tell Sue that you said hey when I go back there.

_JBI: So… can I see those files now?_

SL: That's enough, Screech. If you're looking for some pictures to swaffel to, you can just forget it.

_JBI: Hey, it's not every day I get invited to my hot neighbor's house to hang out in her bedroom with her equally hot best friend. So let's get down to brass tacks, and by that I mean rumors I can spread on my blog. True or false: Santana had an Anything But Clothes party and Brittany went naked._

**BSP: When I'm not wearing clothes I'm naked! So of course that's what I thought it meant by ABC. Well, after Santana explained to me I couldn't come as the alphabet.**

SL: Brit-Brit!

**BSP: Oh. Um… Pretend you didn't hear that… It totally never happened.**

_JBI: Are you regularly asked to perform secret missions for Sue Sylvester?_

SL: No comment.

**BSP: Yeah, I'm not allowed to say.**

_JBI: Odd. Anyway, what is your favorite holiday?_

SL: Black Friday, of course.

**BSP: Christmas, duh! But Friday is the best day of the week, because it's casual. Except Black Friday wasn't!**

_JBI: What do you mean?_

**BSP: Well casual wear is like what you sleep in right? And I sleep naked. So when I tried to casually go shopping the day after Thanksgiving, my dad wouldn't let me out of the house. Then I got into even more trouble when I told him that practically everyone in Allen County has seen me naked, at least from the bottom down, when Santana pantsed me!**

SL: Hence we wear our uniforms otherwise Brittany would show up to school in her casual attire.

**BSP: Jacob, you know what you need? A makeover. Santana says you're gonna show up at our high school reunion wearing women's clothing and sporting an even bigger fro, a Fu Manchu, and a hook hand. She also mentioned your parents' basement and cats and a white, unmarked van. I know you're really creepy now, Jacob, but maybe there's a girl out there for you, like a mail order bride or something. So I'm just trying to help. And I owe you from that time I said I'd style your hair like Pauly D's. So get that Jewish cloud over here so I can get to work!**

_JBI: Wait… that's really what you think I'll be like ten years from now?_

SL: Oh trust me, Napoleon Dynamite, I can see your future. And it's pathetic. Now it's my turn to take some pictures of your Pauly D hair, just in case you thought you were gonna get the dirt on us.

_JBI: Can you really blame me for wanting some payback? I know firsthand what it's like to be on the receiving end of your practical jokes. _

**BSP: Santana threw up in your mailbox! It was her, not somebody with a mailbox fetish or whatever. And we're really sorry, but we were drunk and we didn't know whose house it was and that time we didn't even mean to! Whoa that feels good to get off my chest.**

SL: Brittany! Look, Jacob, it's Christmas time and even though you're Jewish or whatever, I would just like to say that me projectile vomiting into your mailbox was completely unintentional. That's the closest you're gonna get to an apology.

_JBI: You two are pretty notorious pranksters, alright. But I suppose in the spirit of the holidays I forgive you this time. So let's get back to this interview, okay? What are some of your favorite pranks you ever pulled?_

**BSP: Oh we're tricky tricksters alright.**

SL: It's liberating. I liked when we convinced everyone including Principal Figgins that school was cancelled one day. It was all very Saved by the Bell, Lima style.

**BSP: That was when Coach Sylvester decided we needed three-a-day practices. I just couldn't take it anymore! My legs were jelly! Speaking of which, I also liked when we replaced all the soap in the bathrooms with Jello. That took some work!**

SL: Well since we're so short on the janitorial staff the Jello was there for at least a week before Mr. Kinney could change them all. Oh Brit-Brit, remember the icing incident?

**BSP: Yeah, omg! You have to tell that one… but it was no accident! Lol**

SL: My uncle and his stripper girlfriend recently got back together and were coming over for dinner one night. I hate her guts so I really wanted to be a bitch. Earlier that day, Brittany's mom had given me a bunch of corn muffins that she had made. So I put some vanilla icing on it and gave it to the stripper. Thinking it was a cupcake, that dumb ho ate it in one bite and then had to go and spit it out in the bathroom.

_JBI: I feel like you save all the best ones up to use on me. Because those were all super lame._

SL: How much longer are we gonna be doing this? I needz my alone timez with Brittz.

**BSP: Totally**

_JBI: Just a few more questions. This is also from the AV Club: What do you really do on the weekends?_

SL: Get slissored.

**BSP: I thought you said we couldn't talk about that in public!**

SL: SLISSORED, not sci… you know, what you were thinking.

_JBI: You like fireworks right? I'm about to have an explosion in my pants, so you think you can help me out?_

SL: Get out of here!

_JBI: Why? You've both admitted to philandering before._

**BSP: I do like giving to charity and I don't just mean my cat.**

SL: That's philanthropy. And Jacob, I will shove you out the door right now.

_JBI: Last question! Santana, is it true you have a penis?_

SL: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

_JBI: I don't think that's a game I want to play after all. And suddenly I'm very glad you don't have that superpower you mentioned earlier._

**BSP: Well she doesn't have one, just so you know. But her eye is kinda all twitchy so I'd leave if I were you, Jacob.**

_JBI: Great. Now I have to walk home with this Pauly D hair. Bye._

SL: Glad that's over. Cuddle time?

**BSP: Yeah! Just one more thing. I'm not saying she paid me to tell you this, but you should totally check out Rachel's blog. It's not anywhere near as funny as mine although people do tend to leave super awesome comments. Oh wait, I'm thinking of the comments people leave for me. Whoops!**

* * *

(38 Comments– **Post a New Comment**)

Finntastic5 wrote: Brittany! I tried to call you but you didn't pick up and now I'm afraid it might be too late for you. I'll always remember you…  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Finn, I saw you this morning by your locker.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Oh yeah. Well in that case, what did we do yesterday in English?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: We're reading _The Catcher in the Rye  
_-Finntastic5 wrote: Yes! I love baseball!

Brittany$parkles wrote: Did you know that your body can't digest corn? It always shows up in your poop. I see it all the time.

JizzyJacob wrote: Brittany, I'm glad you are finally letting me comment on your blog now, but why does my username have to be JizzyJacob? Can't it be the same as my twitter?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Could've been worse. She realized your initials were JBI, otherwise there would have been some nasty BJ jokes.

PuckerUp wrote: BRITTANY, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ME FOR HANUKKAH?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: A Quaffle! Aren't you obsessed with those?  
- PuckerUp wrote: WAFFLES! EGGO WAFFLES!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I just thought Eggo was the brand of magical sporting goods like Nike or Under Armour is for Muggles.

Finntastic5 wrote: Santana, this is kind of a weird question, but why were you grabbing your boobs and singing _Nothing Compares to U_ in the choir room this afternoon?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Because I love them. Duh.

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Does anyone else find it a little odd that Santana's drink of choice is _flaming_ Dr. Pepper?  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: No? Just me?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Oh I've always known she's a flamer. She loves setting things on fire. Underwear, mailboxes, drinks, poop, the list goes on!

SuspenderMan wrote: Tough luck about your fake ID  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You say that like we're friends. We're not.

JizzyJacob wrote: Currently taking bets on who pops Rachel Berry's cherry. I'm hoping it's me.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You'll be waiting a while  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Both of you need to butt out!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Twat did you say? I cunt hear you. I must have an ear infucktion.

QueenQuinn wrote: You guys! What should we get Mr. Schue for Christmas?  
- SuspenderMan wrote: He hasn't rapped in a while, maybe we could ask him to.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: I totally thought that said raped at first and I got a little scared.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: What's he gonna rap about? Vests?  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Maybe he'll do some more Kanye  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: How could you be so fartless?

LadyDemon wrote: What if we got him a board game?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Strip Clue!  
- SuspenderMan wrote: They make that? ;)  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I don't really know… that's just how me and Santana play. My favorite is: Santana, in the hot tub, with her tongue.  
- PuckerUp wrote: SO HOW DO YOU PLAY OPERATION?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Quit trying to change the subject, Santana! In Operation, you start out naked then draw stuff on each other's bodies and- _Comment has been edited for content.  
_- Brittany$parkles wrote: Santana, I was just getting to the good part!

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittany can't blog anymore tonight; she's painting the town brown. So she'll be in the bathroom for probably the next six or so hours. Toodles!


	28. My Prerogative

**My Prerogative: Brittany's Greatest Hits  
By: Brittany, Santana, and Quinn  
Countdown to 2011**

* * *

**Ohhhhhh snap! Today's New Year's Eve so I figured I would take some time to reflect on the past year and all the things I loved about it! Santana's here too, but she's cranky from being cranky all the time. She even got mad when I tried to pick out all her little eye boogers. I mean I was just doing her a favor. Quinn should also be here any minute! We're going to a glee club party!**

Brit-Brit. Please tell me your resolution for 2011 is to quit blogging forever.

**Nope! It's to blog more often! Also, I would like to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop because every time I try, I always lose count!**

_Santana's goal is to form her own street gang called the Lima Heights Whores._

**Quinn! I'm so happy you're here!**

I'm not.

**Oh Santana, go do the hands-in-your-pants dance and maybe you'll be a lot nicer!**

_Uh… Yeah. You go do that. Or something._

Shut up Quinn. You think you're so perfect with your manicured nails and the fact that you have everything embroidered with your initials. You know what I think QF stands for? Queer Fuck.

**Tana! Less trying to be so funny and more trying to be Miss Honey!**

_Miss Honey?_

As in Matilda. Duh. Don't be such a vagina, Q.

**You two just need to go outside and work out your problems. I can't deal with the violence. Yes I saw you pinch her, Santana! Then when you're done, you can both apologize to me. Mostly you, Tana. And also, I would like a pudding cup. Now since this is my end of the year blog, I would just like to express some things I have been thinking about for a while now:**

**-Rachel, if you're against cruelty to animals, why do you wear turtlenecks? Also, what if your first name was Dingle since your last name is Berry?**

**-Kurt, what is the purpose of a white crayon? Plus you're always talking about fashions in Milan. I didn't think you'd really care about Disney Princesses! Is she technically considered a princess? Although Santana once told me that you're a fairy, so I guess that kinda makes sense that you might care about what she's wearing. You and Mushu.**

**-Jesse, do you miss your dad? I'd miss Mr. Schue.**

**-Finn, you know how we kind of mooch off each other while taking tests sometimes? Does that mean we're moochually beneficial? On another note, if the Goo Goo Dolls and Lady GaGa formed a band together would they call it Goo Goo GaGa?**

**-Sam, in Ice Age, there's a caveman baby or something. In Ice Age 3, there are dinosaurs. Explain how that's possible! Also, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, both Creevey brothers are present at the very first meeting of Dumbledore's Army, which is held in Hogsmeade. However, you have to be at least a third year to visit Hogsmeade, but Dennis, the younger of the two Creevey brothers would only be a second year. How did he get to the meeting?**

**-Artie, I tried to text you from my shower, but then my phone shut off and I don't know why.**

**-Becky, did you let Coach watch Mean Girls? Because she keeps telling me I'm in her army of skanks.**

**That went really well, so I am gonna talk about some other stuff because Quinn and Santana aren't back yet. I have heard several loud crashes though, which can only mean one thing. Epic hugs. So here are some different things about this year in no particular order.**

**Things I love:**

**- Santana  
- Charity, formerly known as Curiosity! And our other cat, Lord Tubbington whose New Year's resolution is to lose some weight, even if he doesn't know it yet!  
- Glee Club  
- My friends  
- Cheese**

**People who scare me:**

**-Sandra from Oakhurst Realty  
-Shaun White, who I thought was Carrot Top for the longest time**

**Things I Miss:**

**- LeBron  
- Snack time**

**Things I did that I thought were funny:**

**- Rock, paper, scissoring  
- Gay Pigeon Sensor  
- Giving advice  
- Teasing Santana  
- Going streaking  
- Spelling out ACDC a few times on my SATs while still kicking butt on it  
- Pranking people  
- Blogging under the influence… I would call it BUI, but that already stands for boating under the influence  
- Calling Breadstix Breast Stix  
- Putting my makeup on without a mirror  
- ****((*)) ~~~(==8  
- Operation Pink Taco  
- Adding sex to a bunch of different words like Sextionals and Sexcalibur**

_That's a pretty nice list, Brittany._

Jealous much, Juno?

_Oh, will you look at the time, it's getting late. We should probably leave._

**Hey Quinn, you're driving to the party tonight, right?**

Me and Brittz are sitting in the back.

_Do I look like a chauffeur to you?_

Maybe a slutty low end one. Why? You looking for employment?

**Oh Quinn, I didn't know you needed a job! I have the perfect one for you. How do you feel about earwax? Because I always have the hardest time getting it all out and I would gladly pay you whatever spare change I can find in the couch cushions.**

**And if anybody out there has any questions they wanna ask me, feel free!**

* * *

(44 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

LadyDemonTina wrote: I changed my name. People kept getting confused!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: That's understandable, Cho.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: You can call me Cho if I can call you Luna.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: But I'm Mike Chang

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, turtlenecks don't have anything to do with actual turtles. Not even if I had a picture of a turtle on a turtleneck.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: I'm drank! Gots a little present for ya on my booze cruise, Brittzzzz. It rhymes with schmalcohol. Need another hint? I'm guessing your little border hopper friend won't be too happy to know it's… Alcohol! Haha, speaking of which, I think I saw about a million of her cousins when we docked in Cozumel for a few days.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'm not even Mexican, you washed up golddigger! And I was born in the United States of America! Leave. Brittany. Alone.  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Whoa, easy, killer. More like the United States of Denial! And to think, all those natives were so friendly. You could learn a lesson from your _primos_, Senorita Perez.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I've had enough of your fighting! April, I know your heart's set on Broadway with your all-white cast of the Wiz, but don't you think your mixed race twins miss their mommy? For all they know, you could be a hooker! The holidays aren't over yet… Spend some time with them. I think I'll be alright without one Thirsty Thursday. And you, Santana! I'm not really sure why April accusing you of being a cricket offends you so much, but if I had to ability to jump across Borders, I would! It's a big bookstore. And personally, I think being a gold digger is a good thing. We could be like the 69ers and scoop up gold in the mines and stuff. You're hilarious, I know, but what if you used all that pent up energy for nice jokes, not mean ones?  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Well, when you put it like that, I guess you're right. You always know the right things to say to make me feel better. Well, so does Patches. You'd never believe the dirty things he tells me! Anyway, thanks again. I'm sorry, best friend.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Yeah, I suppose it is a little ridiculous to fight with Drinksy McVodkaBreath. I mean, with all the STIs she's surely contracted, combined with her alcohol consumption, her life expectancy must not be too much longer. So in all good conscience, I couldn't do that to a potentially dying woman. And FYI, the title of Best Friend belongs to me. So you can go wax your mustache now, April.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Why do I even bother?

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Mulan, Mulan. Something tells me you're going to make me sing I'll Make a Man Out of You next time we hang.

LysdexicSam wrote: While Dennis Creevey may have used a secret passage way, he did not have access to the Marauder's Map, so most likely he used the tunnel that leads into the basement of Zonko's. Or perhaps Joanne Kathleen just didn't think about it at the time. As for the other question, you totally rooted me!  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Sam, I think you mean stumped.

MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, I have a question for you. What's something you wanted for Christmas, but didn't get?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Pajama Jeans!  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: I think I speak for everybody when I say thank goodness you didn't get any. That is not one trend I want to see around McKinley.  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: I'd come back to WMHS just to burn them all.

JizzyJacob wrote: I have a question, Brittany. Any chance you'll be streaking by my house anytime soon?  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Get a life, Jacob.

SuspenderMan wrote: Santana, I have a proposition for you  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Carry on…  
- Finntastic5 wrote: My wayward son!  
- LysdexicSam wrote: For there'll be peace when you are done  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Lay your weary head to rest!  
- PuckerUp wrote: NOW DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I love Alabama!  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, you do know that song is by Kansas, right?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Alabama, Arkansas  
- QueenQuinn wrote: I do love my ma and pa!  
- LysdexicSam wrote: But not the way I do love you  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Which brings me to my next point. Kansas and Arkansas are two separate states. You know what, Santana? I'll just private message you.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Ugh. I hate when people randomly burst into song. Whether or not I read your message is yet to be determined, but feel free to send it anyway, Fartie.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Finn, the Columbus Zoo called. They're missing their prize ape and really want you back in your cage.  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: As opposed to you, the blue-footed booby?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Watch it, red-headed woodpecker.

PuckerUp wrote: BRITTANY, LIMA THEATRE GUILD CALLED. THEY'RE CASTING FOR THE ROLE OF CABBAGE #3 AND THEY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Any chance they're also looking for a Rapunzel?

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, just for your information, Jesse's at UCLA.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Thanks but that isn't what I asked. Father/son relationships are complex. Me and my dad don't have one.

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, I had a really fun time last night at the party with you. I'm a little bummed we didn't get to kiss at midnight, but I know you really had to poop so that's totally fine. I'm just looking forward to the next year with you.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah, I didn't realize I had been holding it all night. And it was a good thing Santana was there to bring me another roll of toilet paper. She's always willing to lend a helping hand.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Wanky ^


	29. Quinntervention

_Quinntervention  
By: QueenQuinn (Quinn)  
_Featuring: BossyBitchyBangin (Santana)

* * *

_Santana, you're officially the meanest person in the entire world._

And?

_And what?_

Is that supposed to surprise me? I is who I be.

_I brought you here because I want to talk to you about something. You need help so I am giving you this Quinntervention._

I should have known this was a trap. There's no way you actually wanted to practice bowing down before my greatness. Being mean just comes naturally to me, like being frigid comes to you, like being beautiful comes to Brittany.

_Just think of this as something you really need. Just last week you told me I was giving off the death pheromone._

That was actually meant to be a compliment.

_Then you laughed when Sam told me that I smelled good!_

Smell clearly isn't his strongest of the five senses. I mean, have you seen his mouth? But since he's attracted to death, you'd think he'd be into Tina. Or maybe he lurks around the morgue and just soaks it all in.

_Hey! Quit trying to change the subject. You want to know the real reason I tricked you into coming over here? It's because Brittany somehow sees goodness inside of you and you'd benefit from opening up to other people besides her._

You bitch. Sure, bring Brittzzz into this, make it all about her.

_Santana, why are you crying?_

Because it is all for her and if it were anybody else, I'd be really pissed because I love being the center of attention. You were right, she's the only person who… who really knows me and I just want some Breadstix right now because my Stix and my Brittz always make me feel better. I just try so hard to act like nothing can touch me and the truth is…

_Oh my God, you faker. You just wanted me to feel sorry for you so I'd let you leave._

Cunt.

_Takes one to know one. What is going on with you and Artie?_

Right now we have a common enemy: Jacob. Even though I'm super wanky, I don't want him wankin' off to this. Especially not when Brittany is involved.

_You can be mean to him all you want. But have you forgotten all those times you wrote to Brittany's advice column pretending to be other people? That wasn't funny! Like this:_

**Hey Brittany. This is someone you'll probably recognize. Gosh, I don't even know why I am writing to you, I don't even go to McKinley anymore. I could really use your advice because I don't know what to do with my life. I used to think I wanted to be a fashion designer or maybe a professional singer, but lately I've been having these dreams about opening my own restaurant. I even thought of the perfect name: A Taste of Penis. I mean… a Taste of Weiner. Obviously gourmet hot dogs would be on the menu.**

I can't help it if that's where Kurt shops.

_Wait, what? Where does Kurt shop?_

Dick's. Whoops, reflex.

_And remember this one?_

**Hey there, Brittany. My name is, uh, Gina. And I have this boyfriend named… Pike. And while we are both of the same nationality, Australian to be exact, we don't have much else in common. For example, he plays rugby and I would rather sit in my room listening to music while crying. And he is also very proud of our heritage… His mom puts Vegemite on everything. So I guess what I'm asking is should I stay with him for his wonderful body?**

Wait a second, there are no Aussies at McKinley. Just Whorebrays...

_Hardy har har. You know that Mike and Tina actually fought over this? For all of two seconds, but the point is that Mike thought it was real. So you should apologize._

How's that saying go again? Oh yeah. It's too late to apologize. And I just won't do it. Wouldn't be heartfelt.

_Well how about this one:_

**Brittany, I am super annoying. How do I fix this? I always greet my fellow glee clubbers in the hallways with a perky, "Hello!" and then I bombard them with questions about my vocal abilities: whether they liked my latest performance, if my costume choices are appropriate, do I look enough like a preschooler? But they still think I am just a pesky little insect, constantly buzzing in their ears. I ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about stupid things and they always tell me to shut up! Please, I need your help. Desperately.**

_As much as I dislike Rachel, you shouldn't pretend to be her in the school newspaper._

I didn't send that one in.

_Oh._

Just kidding, I did. Teaching me to be nice is a lost cause though.

_I'm never going to get through to you, am I?_

Nope.

* * *

(45 Comments – **Post A New Comment**)

Finntastic5 wrote: Man. I keep hoping you'll ask me to blog. Finntervention sounds way cool, right?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: We can still have one for your obsession with Schmachel.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: It's just a reflex. Working on it. I momentarily forgot you broke up... Whatever

CheeriosBecky wrote: Brittany, Coach wants me to ask you how far you'd be willing to go in order to win Nationals this year  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: That sounds sexual  
- CheeriosBecky wrote: No... She had a vision and it included you.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Still sexual...  
- CheeriosBecky wrote: I'll just let her explain at practice

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Can we start one of those singalongs again?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: You can't just start one. It has to happen on its own. Duh.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Well, I'll just be here, Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'...  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: No? It's been three days! Come on, people! I'll even give you the next line! Plannin' and dreaming each night of his charms ...

BurtsGotGuts wrote: Have any of you ever noticed that these comments rarely have anything to do with the blog's topic?

JizzyJacob wrote: It's a little weird how often I visit your blog. Maybe I need some rehab...  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Or maybe just need some sleep  
- QueenQuinn wrote: I've got a sick obsession  
- PuckerUp wrote: I'M SEEING IT IN MY DREAMS  
- LysdexicSam wrote: I'm looking down every allie.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: I think you mean alley, Sam.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You mean Jacob can start one of these and I can't!  
- JizzyJacob wrote: Oh Rachel, your love is my drug. Also, one day I will marry you. Or Brittany.

SuspenderMan wrote: See what I mean, Santana?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Normally I'd rather eat a barrel of sawdust and wander around a desert for a few days without water than form any type of alliance with you, but you have a point. He's certainly become… attached. Have three hundred dollars cash and a box of cigars on you at all times, along with a lighter and preferably an aged scotch. Don't contact me, I'll be in touch. Remember the bird call I taught you. I keep having all these flashbacks to when we did that pity blog with him and she ran her fingers through his hair as though it didn't contain a five-course meal for maggots. It was disgusting. I think you'll find being bad feels pretty good. But don't get used to it. This is a one time only thing.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: It might take me a few days to come up with all that stuff, but if you think this'll work…  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Trust me.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Famous last words…

Brittany$parkles wrote: If all dogs go to heaven, what happens to cats?  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: They go to Asia.  
- MChanganator3000 wrote: Did something happen to Charity?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No, it's Lord Tubbington. I think he's running out of lives. Last night he had chili and a Four Loko for dinner. Bad combination. I tried to warn him...

LysdexicSam wrote: Santana, why do you keep calling me Popeye? I hate spinach.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Well your whore, Quinn, is Olive Oil, obviously because of her pitchy voice. And Finn can be Bluto I guess. Puck's Pepe Le Pew because he's always trying to get up on some chick that's not interested. Rachel's Brainy Smurf because she thinks she knows everything and pisses people off. Not to mention, blueberry was voted in a secret poll as the favorite flavor to slushie her with. Lauren is... God, I don't even know... Fat Albert? Kurt is a less gay version of Spongebob, but not by much. Sue is the Wiley Coyote because none of her hare-brained schemes ever work. And I'm Bugs Bunny because he knows his shit. And I like carrots. I'm sure I could think of more cartoon analogies, but I'm bored.

AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Puck, it's January 15th.  
- PuckerUp wrote: AH, KING MARTIN LUTHER. HE LOVED THE JEWS. AND WE GET MONDAY OFF OF SCHOOL BECAUSE OF HIM. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, MERSEXY.  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Mersexy? That's the best you could come up with?

Brittany$parkles wrote: What are you afraid of?  
- MChanganator3000 wrote: Losing my abs one day  
- PuckerUp wrote: THAT MY POOL CLEANING BUSINESS WILL GO BELLY UP. THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE BELLY UP ARE MY FEMALE CLIENTS UNDERNEATH ME  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Having to do Finn's laundry  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Cellulite  
- LysdexicSam wrote: That people will mistake me for Macaulay Culkin my whole life  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Tampons... It just looks so painful  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Oh whoops, i meant to send that to Santana in a text. But thanks for sharing!

SuspenderMan wrote: Did you know that the Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats, Brittany?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Wow! No, I had no idea. Maybe I should change his name to Lord Tutbington. Or Lord Tubbingtut. He's probably a direct descendant, royal bloodlines and all.


	30. Finntervention

**Let it be known that I love Finn, but sometimes he is a little full of himself and Brittany is just the person to bring him back down to Earth. That being said, Finn wouldn't let Brittany have a Quinntervention without having a Finntervention as well. Just an update: I'm working on the next chapter of **_**Driving Miss Santana**_** now so I'll probably post that sometime tomorrow. Also in the works is a companion piece to **_**The Lord and His Lady**_** from Charity's POV, but I can't get it quite right so it's taking me much longer than I thought it would. Anyways, Blaine (or Blaze, as Brittany calls him) makes his first appearance in the comment section.**

**Enjoy,  
Lulu**

* * *

**Finntervention  
By: Brittany$parkles (Brittany S. Pierce)  
**_Featuring: Finntastic5 (Finn Hudson)  
_

**BSP: Oh my, it seems as though I haven't blogged in forever. Now that I'm not a Cheerio anymore, maybe I'll have more time for this and my cats. And homework. And showering. Anyway, I thought I'd take the time to interview the Titans quarterback, Finn Hudson because he begged me to.**

_FH: Thanks… I guess._

**BSP: Although the title of this entry is Finntervention, there's no actual intervention. I don't know why that is. Anyway, didn't you say you had something for me?**

_FH: Why yes, I did. You're a very lucky girl, Brittany. I have with me the mouthpiece I wore in the conference championship game. It's all yours. It could be worth a lot of money someday. _

**BSP: Ewww. So now that you and Kurt are stepbrothers, do you ever do any of the fun stuff that they do in the movie **_**Stepbrothers**_**?**

_FH: I asked him once if he wanted to do karate in the garage and he turned me down. We don't share a room so there's no need for bunk beds. But I asked him if he wanted to form a band and he said he would, as long as he could host a Catalina Wine Mixer._

**BSP: Those are classy. My ex-boyfriend has really good taste. I'd go to his Catalina Wine Mixer. I think we all know who else would too. My good friend April Rhodes, as long as the wine is free. Anyway, let's get down to business.**

_FH: To defeat the Huns?_

**BSP: Now's not the time, Finn. So let's talk. Did you know the Goldfish spokesfish is also named Finn? I don't know any more though, because when I Googled "Famous Finns" it gave me a list of famous people from Finland. Then when I searched for "Famous Brittanys," the results were all about some place in France or dogs. Also, the very first ingredient in Goldfish is smiles.**

_FH: That's cool._

**BSP: No offense, but you really suck at being interviewed. Do you want people to read this or not?**

_FH: I think people will read this. I just won us the championship game. Me._

**BSP: I wasn't so much focused on that part.**

_FH: Yeah, but I convinced you to quit Cheerios! So that was good…_

**BSP: Not for them. I mean, Coach Sylvester sucks big time, but all those other girls on the squad didn't deserve that. They worked so hard.**

_FH: She was going to shoot you out of a cannon! You almost went through with it!_

**BSP: You're right… I just didn't want to let anybody down.**

_FH: Hey, it's all right. Don't be upset, Brittany. You always have glee club. Now can we talk about me some more?_

**BSP: Oh totally. So when you're playing football, does it hurt when you get hit?**

_FH: Sometimes. It just depends, but we have a lot of padding and protective gear which absorbs a lot of the shock._

**BSP: Oh I wish we had that when I was cheerleading. Falling from the pyramid hurts if you don't do it right.**

_FH: Didn't you guys have a trainer? When Sam hurt his arm the trainer took him to the hospital._

**BSP: Kind of. One time this girl dislocated her shoulder and Coach Sylvester popped it back into place before making her do her tumbling sequence five times in a row just to be sure she didn't "lose her touch."**

_FH: That sounds… terrible._

**BSP: Yeah. And during summer practices, Coach Sylvester never let us drink water. She quoted **_**Remember the Titans**_** and was all, "Water is for washing the blood off my uniform and you don't get blood on my uniform."**

_FH: I think I remember that day. It was while the football team was getting water._

**BSP: Just rub it in, why don't you!**

_FH: That's what she said. Haha. But you don't have to worry about Ms. Sylvester anymore, Brittany._

**BSP: She threatened to cut my fingers off with a paper cutter! I'll never forget the horror. The horror, Finn!**

_FH: Uh… You don't have to cry. What does Artie normally do when you cry to make you feel better?_

**BSP: I don't know.**

_FH: Okay then what does Santana do?_

**BSP: I suppose I should give you the PG version. She rubs my… back. Yeah, that's it. Then she strokes my… hair. Then she nibbles on my… Huh, there's no easy way to say this… She nibbles on cookies. Uh huh, she makes me cookies then nibbles on them. That's completely 100% the truth.**

_FH: Mailman mailman mailman…_

**BSP: I did make out with our mailman once, but then he never called. We only spoke one other time and that's because he had a package for me. And he wanted to wash his hands because Santana threw up in Jacob's mailbox the night before.**

_FH: Why didn't I blog with you sooner?_

**BSP: I don't know. Why are protons attracted to electrons?**

_FH: ?_

**BSP: That's a question on my homework. I am so bored of blogging with you that I'm doing my homework. Chances are this will be the only time we ever blog together. It's not me, it's you.**

_FH: Does this mean I have to go home now? Because my mom wants me to start on her laundry and I don't think I could handle it if I had to touch her old lady underwear._

**BSP: Fine. I'll give you one more chance. Tell me something interesting about yourself that nobody else knows.**

_FH: I' m not going to tell you a secret on your blog. This is like the most popular blog in school! No way. Maybe I should leave. After all, I'm allergic to your cats. My eyes are all watery and my neck is itchy and red._

**BSP: Very well. I'll just ask Kurt for something even more awkward that only he knows about you.**

_FH: NOOOO!_

**BSP: I'm waiting…**

_FH: Fine. Sometimes when I have to go poop, I make bets with myself to see if it's a floater or a sinker._

**BSP: Oh my gosh! I used to do that too!**

_FH: Wow, I never thought I would share that with someone else._

**BSP: Yeah, but it's something I grew out of. You're 17! Keep that up and you got a one way ticket to Nowhereville. I'll always remember you when I'm on the Jamaican bobsled team and you're still stuck here in Lima, looking at your poop. This is an hour and six minutes that I'll never get back of my life. It's not mean if I'm being honest. I'll see you around, Finn.**

* * *

(55 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: If only you could see me now, Brit-Brit. I am clapping. For you. This was marvelous. Seriously the best blog (not featuring me) ever. And I have you to thank. I am just so proud.

LadyDemonTina wrote: Brittany, I noticed that you wrote with your left hand today. I thought you were a righty.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I'm ambisextrous.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: I think you mean ambidextrous and no, you're not.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I said what I said.

Brittany$parkles wrote: On average cats sleep 16 to 18 hours a day, but I think Lord Tubbington is at 20-22 hours. He is such an overachiever!

SuspenderMan wrote: What do you mean I don't know how to comfort you, Brittany?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: It's just that we have yet to cross that bridge.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: What about the comb? And how I helped you get over your fear?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I didn't cry then. I think I'm more upset that you let me comb my hair with it, but it was a really good try. I mean it… F for effort.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: You mean A for effort?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No, silly. Effort starts with the F sound. Duh.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: ^_^ And I thought I was proud of you before, Brittz. Marvelous.

QueenQuinn wrote: Brittany, why did you take your cat outside of your room before we started talking in there?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: According to Dutch folklore, cats are just looking to spread gossip so they're not allowed to be present when important matters are discussed.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: We were gossiping.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah, but the only way it'll leave the room is if I write about it in my diary because Lord Tubbington reads it all the time. Duh.

Brittany$parkles wrote: Artie, can I put blinders on you…you know, like a horse? I just think it would be fun.

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Am I the only one who noticed that no one got upset with Santana for writing all those fake entries to the newspaper asking for advice?  
- MovedAwayMatt wrote: Yeah, that's whack.  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: I was talking to pretty much everyone but you, actually.

PuckerUp wrote: HEY BRITTANY. WHEN ARE WE GONNA BLOG TOGETHER?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: We already did, dummy!  
- PuckerUp wrote: OH YEAH I FORGOT. ANY CHANCE WE CAN DO IT AGAIN?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I dunno. I'll have my assistant, Lord Tubbington, get back to you.

IWasBornAWarblinMan wrote: Hey Brittany, my name is Blaine. I know Kurt from school and he showed me your blog so I thought I'd check it out. I couldn't help but notice that you wish to be a member of the Jamaican bobsled team. That's wonderful, but wouldn't you rather be on the American bobsled team?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No. And _Cool Runnings_ was on tv last night. Bye, Blaze.

PuckerUp wrote: ONE OF THE FIRST KNOWN CONTRACEPTIVES WAS CROCODILE SHIT  
- QueenQuinn wrote: As gross as it is, even that would've been more helpful than _nothing_.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I just… How do I? I don't even know where to begin.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Uh hello, everyone knows that, Puck. Lord Tubbingtut made it a law back in Ancient Egypt when he was Pharaoh.

LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, Ben & Jerry are on channel 421!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Why are the ice cream guys on tv?  
- QueenQuinn wrote: He means Tom and Jerry.  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: So who is your favorite fictional cat?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: It's a tie between Garfield, Puss-in-Boots, Crookshanks, Sassy, Milo, Simba, Binx, and the Cheshire Cat.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Mercedes, despite your "claim" that you were eating a tater tot at lunch today, were you in fact making out with it?  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: … I don't have to answer that.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Whatever. You don't wanna know what I put in them anyway.

MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, you forgot that Professor McGonagall is an animagus who turns into a cat.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I can't believe I didn't include her in my list!

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Something's wrong here. Rachel's been suspiciously quiet.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Just biding my time.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Until what?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You shall see…

PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'm a sextrovert.

Finntastic5 wrote: So Rachel, what have you been up to lately?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: I go about my business, I'm doing fine  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Besides what would I say if I had you on the line  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Same old story, not much to say  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Hearts are broken everyday.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Seriously? I love Jewel just as much as the next girl, but quoting _You Were Meant For Me _to your ex is like reading the Twilight books. It's pathetic.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: I don't care, Santana! I started a blog-along, which is the name I came up for a blog sing-a-long. I, Rachel Berry, am trendy. Just think of all the doors that will open for me. People will ask me my opinion about… things.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Did somebody say wine?


	31. February 2011

Fantastic February  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Staff Writer

Welcome back to the McKinley High Gazelle! We were on hiatus for a while because the journalism teacher had some freak allergic reaction that was in no way Coach Sylvester's fault. I mean, Ms. Sylvester. She's not my coach anymore. Right, so February is the shortest month of the year every year, even when it has twenty-nine days instead of the usual twenty-eight. I think that's why calendars confused me for so long. Also the one in my room is from 1999. No wonder I showed up to school on a Saturday! Lord Tubbington's birthday is in February so we'll be celebrating with a rather delicious combination of melted cheese and animal crackers (after I take the felines out of the box, Lord Tubbington is not a cannibal). Another interesting fact about February is that nine months after Valentine's Day is November 14th, which is when my sister was born. My parents said she was conceived after a very romantic dinner of pb & j's and a gift exchange of a new waffle iron for Mom and Drakkar Noir for Dad. And that's dumb because my parents already had the best child ever. Did you ever see that Pixar short film about clouds that make babies and then storks deliver them? I did. I can't wait for April (the month, not the person). I'm going to have a huge anniversary party because that will mark one full year that I've been on the newspaper staff! And I want it to be a surprise party so somebody make it happen.

* * *

Old Toys  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Follow My Blog!

Do you ever look through your old toys? I do. Hi McKinley High, my name is Brittany S. Pierce and I am a toy rememberer. Like I was saying, I found a bunch of little figurines that I won at the bowling alley arcade from when my parents were in a league. Oh, I found this old board game in my closet called Grape Escape and I didn't see the G at first and I was scared because I definitely didn't remember playing that game as a child. Also I found an art kit and it was filled with drawings of me and Santana. I also found some glue which to this day always gets stuck on me no matter what. Then there's my _Lisa Frank _sticker collection. One time in history class I mixed her up with another girl with the last name Frank and long story short: people were looking at me funny, especially Rachel. But among all the troll dolls and Polly Pockets, I found my favorite toy: My pink Power Ranger! Santana gave it to me. Wait, what was my prompt again? Oh yeah, the school-wide geography bee. Whoops! It's not springtime yet, so bees have yet to emerge, therefore I'll come back to it. Maybe.

*Note: I didn't include my Barbies in this because I still play with them and they'll never be old to me.

* * *

Why My Dad is Mad  
A poem by Brittany S. Pierce

My dad  
Is very mad  
He was working one day  
While I was at play  
I took his calculator  
Put it in the refrigerator  
Forgot it there  
Brushed my hair  
He found it  
Now I'm grounded

* * *

JaCoB wHaT dO YoU mEaN tHiS gEtS oN yOuR nErVeS?  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Um… We had room leftover in the paper

I skipped part of English class today and while I was gone my teacher asked who didn't do the homework and whoever raised their hand got a zero for the day. Since I wasn't there he didn't ask me and he didn't mention it when I came back inside. So I hope he gave me credit. And I really did do it, but my cat ate it. I swear. Sidenote: Jacob, have you ever considered changing your name to Ja Cob? It'd be like Ja Rule. Now I'm just killing time. Wait, does that make me a murderer?

* * *

Advice  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Advisor

Jacob said that my advice column caused a riot last time, so I'm not allowed to do it, but when do I ever listen? Never. That's when. It's like when I was little and my mom told me not to stare into the sun, but I did it anyway. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't going anywhere, but then it did go away and I was scared it would never come back. But it did. Then it left again… Then it came back again. Where was I? Oh yes. My advice. I have received so many different questions and I would just like to say thank you for coming to the right place. It's almost like I'm a genie because I know what do to 100% of the time. Okay, maybe that's only 99% true, but it's been my personal experience that no advice is bad advice. So keep those questions coming! First up:

_Hey Brittany, it's Lord Tubbington. Can you stop walking around naked in our room? You don't even have fur to cover your lady parts with. It's so gross. Also, give Charity up for adoption immediately. That day you fed her Mountain Dew by mistake was the worst day of my life. Also, could you update your diary? It's been pretty stale lately with all those stories about that robot boy. I miss hearing about your wild and crazy adventures with the aloof, beautiful Santana. You know, your best friend besides me. And don't even think about that April Rhodes chick because she is one skanky ho who will get a beat down if I ever see her crawlin' around your house. It's like Antoine Dodson once said: Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and hide yo husbands._

Santana, I know this is you because you are the only person in the entire world who has beef with sweet April! Although I had no idea you and Lord Tubbington were in cahoots to get rid of little Charity. Plus when that Bed Intruder video first came out, you made me watch it twelve thousand times. Ha looks like I caught you reading my fake diary! Bet you didn't know I had one of those! You'll never guess that I hid the real one under my mattress. Also, Santana, be glad that I don't cover up my lady parts. They're too beautiful for the world not to see. It's why I streak.

_Brittany, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there's a drawing of you on the boys' locker room with the name Brittany S. Piss. And you're taking a piss._

You're the bear of bad news? I thought that was a movie. Maybe I'm wrong though. After all, I did think there was going to be an actual bear holding rings at Burt and Carole's wedding. Anyway, Brittany S. Piss is surprisingly not the meanest thing I've ever been called. Brittany S. Poops is. I'm sure Mr. Kidney the janitor will take care of that for me. Thanks… Wait, why did you have to write into my column? Couldn't you just tell me in person?

_Hey Brittany, it's Mike. Can you please ask Tina what she'd like for Valentine's Day? I think I speak for all the boyfriends out there who have absolutely no idea what to get their girlfriends. I'm sure Artie will appreciate it, too._

I had a friend once named Eric Shun. Everyone called him erection. Anyway, the point is he asked me this same question in second grade! Needless to say, I have quite a different answer for you, Mikey. I told him Tina wanted a haircut and he gave her one. I think she forgot it was my fault, so please don't tell her. Also, don't cut anything. Maybe you should get her some more blue hair dye? Or even switch it up and get another color. Girls like thoughtful stuff; it's not just all about the standard candy and flowers. If you really want to impress her though, you should make up a dance just for her or maybe write her a song. Or I have a pan in the shape of a heart so you could bake a cake for her. That's so romantic. Jewelry is also nice, but I think that's more of a serious adult thing. What I'd really like is a moonlit picnic and frolicking through the park naked, but I'll settle for Breadstix and some Russell Stover's.

_BRITTANY, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE IN LOVE?_

Oh, I know who this is! Okay here's how you know. Does the person you're with make you the happiest planet on the person? Whoops, sorry. I got distracted by Santana, she just walked by. I meant: does the person you're with make you the happiest person on the planet? Do they make your heart beat so fast you can hear it in your ears? Wow. I think I feel that right now, actually. Strange. Do you find yourself going out of your way to do stuff for this person like create elaborate newspaper delivery schemes, to name one example? When you're talking to someone else, do you miss your person even if they just walked away a second ago? Oh no, Santana left. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you just might be in love. And that's a word from the wise. Oh my gosh, that's an awesome catchphrase. I'll remember that.


	32. Balls Deep, Super High

Balls Deep, Super High  
By: Santana Lopez (BossyBitchyBangin)  
**Featuring: Brittany S. Pierce (Brittany$parkles)**

* * *

**Hey everybody! So I decided to let Santana run the blog today which I'll probably regret, but whatever. It's a week after Valentine's Day and life is a little blah so we're trying to spice things up. So since Santana's the bossy lady, I'll let her take over! No world domination Santana**

How am I supposed to dominate the world through your blog?

**It could happen. But don't tell Diablo Cody, she'll probably make a movie about it.**

Um, alright. Let's start off with some hot topics.

**I've got one. There was another mouse in my food at Breadstix the other night.**

That's not really what I meant, but okay.

**Oh did you know that Sam and Quinn broke up?**

No, I had no idea.

**You're lying. Because now on Facebook it says that you're in a relationship with Sam.**

Yeah, I… I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I wanted you to hear it from me first since we're best friends and all.

**Remember when we used to make fun of Sam together? **

Yeah. But that's enough about Sam. How about if we play a game?

**Yeah maybe.**

Let's play a word game. When I give you a sentence, you fill in the blank.

**Okay.**

I wanted _ for Valentine's Day

**Balls.**

I have _ on my mind.

**Balls.**

I'm having _ for dinner.

**Balls.**

I'm gonna tell you what you used to always tell me: Play nice or pay the price!

**Where's the fill in the blank for that?**

Let's try another one. _ deep, _ high

**Balls, super**

Oh really, are you sure you're not balls deep, balls high?

**That's silly. How can you be balls high? Balls deep, super high makes so much more sense.**

If you say so. I'm bored with this game. Got any other topics you want to discuss?

**Yes. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?**

I hate blogging so much.

**No you do not. Okay this is something I really want to know. What other love songs should we have performed for glee club?**

Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing – Marvin Gaye, I'll Be There – Jackson 5, Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead O'Connor, Unchained Melody – Righteous Brothers. To name a few… off the top of my head. Not that I've given it much thought.

**Which one of those would you have sung to Sam?**

Nothing, okay? We have been dating like three days or something.

**You already sang Nothing Compares 2 U to your boobs.**

How do you know I wasn't singing about someone and they just didn't know?

**Because Finn said he saw you and you were grabbing your boobs! This was like a couple months ago.**

Maybe what he saw isn't what he thinks he saw.

**Then what did he see?**

It's possible that I was clutching my necklace or I simply had my hand over my heart. We'll never know.

**Maybe if the ghost of the choir room was in there he'll tell me.  
**

There's no ghost in the choir room. What you saw was just Quinn dressed in all white or something. Or even worse… Rachel reenacting _Run Joey Run._

**And you're sure it's not the Ghost of Showchoirs Past?**

Fairly certain. Wait, you didn't make the ghost a card for Valentine's Day, did you?

**Uh… no! I knew I forgot someone. I made one for Brad though. And Fig Hands.**

Who is Fig Hands?

**The principal, duh. Gosh I thought everybody knew that.  
**

Wait, so you've completed almost three years of high school thinking his name was Principal Fig Hands?

**Yeah.**

I'm really really glad you're my best friend.

**Thanks! And I'm glad you're mine. I'm also glad I had beans for lunch so I could fart a lot in secret then all of a sudden you'd notice while we were blogging.**

Oh God it just hit me. Gross, Brittany… are you sure you didn't eat some sewage as well? Because that's nasty.

* * *

(65 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

LadyDemonTina wrote: I just discovered Angry Birds Seasons! Best day ever.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Damn Tina, you sure are balls deep in that game, aren't you?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Balls deep, super high! Now that would've made a great song.

MChanganator wrote: Brittany thank you so much for all of your ideas in the newspaper, even though most of them weren't Asian, but it's okay, I managed.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Aw, you're welcome Mike!

PuckerUp wrote: RACHEL, DO YOU REALLY SHOP AT KIDS R US?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: What's it to you?  
- PuckerUp wrote: WELL I'M NOT SURE IF I'M TURNED ON OR CREEPED OUT  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Check in your pants, then. That's usually what you make decisions with, right?

SuspenderMan wrote: Hi Brittany!  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Hi Artie. You should probably wear deodorant if you ever want me to kiss your armpits again.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: I didn't want you to kiss them in the first place! Wait… my armpits smell bad?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: All armpits smell. I'm just saying you should probably do something about it… no offense.

Brittany$parkles wrote: Kurt, I need you to clear something up for me.  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Oh honey, you'll need to see your gynecologist about that, there's nothing I can really do. And whatever it is, you didn't get it from me.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No! Nothing like that. It's just… Elton John is gay, right?  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Mmmhmm…  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Then why does he sing that song _Don't Let the Son Go Down on Me_? Wouldn't he want that?  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: I'm sure he does… but it's sun, not son.

JizzyJacob wrote: Rachel, I know what song I'd sing to you any day of the week.  
- JizzyJacob wrote: Invisible by Clay Aiken  
- JizzyJacob wrote: Oh Rachel, I know you think if you ignore me long enough I'll stop bothering you, but let's face it, the only reason you have on average 3 comments per blog entry is because of me. If you want to make it 4 all you have to do is say something nice about me.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Something nice about me.

Finntastic5 wrote: Hey Brittany, I was passing by your house and I noticed that somebody vandalized that billboard next to your neighborhood. Somebody added "queef" to where it already said "on demand."  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: That's so funny 'cause I have a bunch of spray paint  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: But it wasn't me.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: But maybe I was there.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: But I swore I'd never tell that it was Santana.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Every hour is happy hour, if you know what I'm sayin'.

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Brittany, boo, why did you show up at my house naked?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Why didn't you answer your door naked?  
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: … Let's just go with because it's cold outside.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: But you were inside.  
- IWasBornAWarblinMan wrote: Touché.

Brittany$parkles wrote: Blaze, you sing pretty.  
- IWasBornAWarblinMan wrote: Ha, thanks. But it's Blaine.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Fine, you sing Blaine. But that's not a nice thing to say about yourself. I don't think you're lacking strong features or characteristics and therefore uninteresting.  
- LysdexicSam wrote: I think the word you just described is bland.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: What's with everyone hating on my words?  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: Maybe you need a thesaurus  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Don't be silly, Tina. Those are extinct just like all the other dinosaurs.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Britt-Britt, have you seen my phone?  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: You don't remember last night while we were trying to sleep? You thought you hid it in your vagina or at least that's what you told me when I asked why you kept digging around down there. But it's on my desk.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hey Finn, you can change your facebook status from "Choked on a gumball"  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Uh…  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Real classy, Santana  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Oh I'm sorry, I had no idea there was an etiquette guide for cheating. That's totally okay as long as you're polite about it and make up some outrageous lie like choking. At least I don't pretend to be something I'm not, princess. And for the record, you wouldn't give him mouth-to-mouth. You'd give him the Heimlich maneuver.

AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: I can think of a lot more love songs we should've sung. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. We Belong Together by Mariah Carey. And many, many more.  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Me too. Number one choice would definitely be Geeks Get the Girls  
- MovedAwayMatt wrote: ^ Who's this Sam dude again?

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Santana, if they made a story of your life, they'd call it Meaner Girls  
- PuckerUp wrote: WICKED BURN

PuckerUp wrote: RACHEL, THAT SKIRT YOU WORE TODAY WAS SO SHORT THAT I COULD SEE YOUR COOTER.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: That's such a derogatory term, Puckerman.  
- PuckerUp wrote: I DUNNO WHY YOU'RE SO UPSET. ALL GIRLS HAVE 'EM. AND HOOTERS. HOOTERS AND COOTERS.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Santana's hooters are looking at me right now. They keep following me wherever I go just like that time I followed Lord Tubbington home, but then it ended up not being Lord Tubbington… or my home.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Sam, when you go to the dentist, does he even bother to tell you to open wide?

Brittany$parkles wrote: Rachel, what's your favorite cereal?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: I see what you're doing. You want me to say Cheerios.  
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No I wasn't. I hoped you'd pick Boo Berry.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Oh cereal related humor.

PuckerUp wrote: HEY LAUREN, WHAT IF I SET UP A LITTLE REMATCH FOR YOU AND SANTANA? JUST TWO CHICKS IN BIKINIS DUKING IT OUT IN AN INFLATABLE POOL FILLED WITH JELLO.  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: You're cruisin' for a bruisin' Puckerman.

Brittany$parkles wrote: I think next time I'm just going to write "comment" and that's going to be the whole blog because I think all my followers just tune in for these.

PuckerUp wrote: YEP, IT'S OFFICIAL. I'M TURNED ON.


	33. Hummelopolis

**Hummelopolis  
****By: Brittany S. Pierce (BadNewsBrittany, formerly Brittany$parkles)**  
_Featuring: Kurt Hummel (HummelNotHummus, formerly ItsHummelNotHummus)_

* * *

**Hello Kurt.**

_Hi Brit._

**Since you've been gone away to Darton, a lot has changed.**

_I'm sure it has, but the name of my school has an L._

**Oh sorry, I didn't realize it was pronounced L'Darton.**

_No, honey, it's Dalton._

**See now that doesn't make sense. I thought it was Darton because of poison darts. I never heard of poison dalts.**

_I am not sure that I have the patience for this._

**Not many people do. But if you're nervous, feel free to take your clothes off.**

_I'm __not__ nervous._

**Feel free to take them off anyway then! It's a little tradition around here. All of my guests do. Actually, that's not true. Only one of them does.**

_Well then, three guesses as to whom that is!_

**Dakota Stanley?**

_What? Brittany, you know who it is and I have my suspicions. You don't need to guess._

**You don't play dalts on a daltboard. It should be called Darton. And I have another guess. Olivia Newton John.**

_Now I'm going to take a guess and say that it's Santana._

**Are you psychic? That's right! Are you a ghost whisperer? Because I am fairly certain there's one in the choir room that always pulls my chair out from underneath me.**

_One, no I'm not although Rachel claims to be. So why don't you ask her next time you have a question that needs a psychic? Two, I only whisper into the tender crook of my elbow when I kiss it goodnight. Three, I think Puck might be the phantom chair puller._

**Maybe I'll start my own vastly superior academy and call it Darton. It won't have any of the flaws that your school has.**

_Such as?_

**Boys.**

_Is that all?_

**Yeah. That's all I really know about your school. Well, that and you wear uniforms. I could work with that. Although they'd probably be more like something you'd see in a costume store than in a J. Crew catalog.**

_I see. As an avid follower of your blog, I was hoping to ask you a few questions, Brittany._

**Shoot. Except don't use the darts.**

_I'm ignoring that. First of all, why is there a sock on your door? _

**Because it's laundry day. How else am I supposed to tell my mother to come get all of my dirty laundry?**

_Fascinating. So it has nothing to do with the fact that Santana was over here earlier?_

**Santana who?**

_Whoa. Are you guys fighting or something?_

**I'm just saying it's possible that I might know more than one Santana.**

_Okay. What other Santanas do you know?_

**Just my Santana. But that was awfully rude of you to assume we were fighting. And you assumed that the sock on the door meant we were doing something naughty in here like drinking sodas even though I'm not supposed to have beverages upstairs. My mom's worried I'll ruin the carpet.**

_Right. So next question: What is a cute name that you like right now?_

**I watched Hairspray about a week ago and I decided that I really like the name Penny. But I'd probably spell it Peni. That's cute, right? Peni S. Pierce. Obviously her middle name would be Skywalker after my cousin Randy.**

_You'd name your daughter Peni S. Pierce? That's like a license for other kids to torture her. You know what they'd call her? Penis Piercing. And that's the nicest nickname._

**Prince Albert is a good name for a boy.**

_You know, I think we should probably move on._

**I'll move if you move.**

_Let's talk about something else. I heard that your advice column is still going strong in the school newspaper. That's fantastic._

**Everyone seems to like it. I'm like a way cool Dear Abby. Somebody called me Brittany S. Piss though and drew a little picture of me peeing in the boys' locker room. Santana said she was going to castrate them all and I don't know what good greasing them all up will do.**

_Lucky for you my father is a mechanic and you're thinking of castor oil. Castration is something entirely different._

**Well the bear of bad news was the one who told me about it. But he was the anonymous type of bear. I hate those. Anyway, I think I am going to change my name from Brittany$parkles. I want it to be BadNewsBrittany now. It's part of my effort to seem more alluring to my readers. I even have a catchphrase: And that's a word from the wise.**

_I think the expression is, "a word to the wise." And I think I'll change my name from ItsHummelNotHummus to HummelNotHummus._

**No, I'm the wise one. Why would I give wiser people advice?**

_How about another question? Where is your family from?_

**Why? Are you going to stalk them? My uncle has a guard goat that eats just about anything.**

_Remind me never to get too close with all of my fashionable clothes. I've been telling Rachel for years that her wardrobe would look a lot better if they were half-eaten by a goat._

**One day she wore a pantsuit.**

_I remember. Somehow she managed to make Cerulean my least favorite color that day._

**I guess I could tell you my family is from my house. It's the only place we've ever lived. Or the only place I've ever lived. One of those two. So any other questions you want to ask me while we're here?**

_Sure. I have one more question. If you could make your own town, what would you call it?_

**Hummelopolis, after you!**

* * *

(19 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

HummelNotHummus wrote: Mercedes, what's your favorite charity?  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Toys for Tater Tots

PuckerUp wrote: BRITTANY, SAY SOMETHING SEXY  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Sex!  
- PuckerUp wrote: NOW SAY SOMETHING DIRTY!  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Dirt!  
- PuckerUp wrote: NOW SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HORNY  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Tromboner!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Sexcellent.

QueenQuinn wrote: I have no idea what is going on.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: It happens.

LysdexicSam wrote: So Brittany, anything else going on lately?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I quit archery club. They told me I couldn't bring my crossbow to school.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Santana, I really am mad. You ate my last Pringle. I know their commercials say "once you pop the fun don't stop," but that's a lie. It stops when you run out of Pringles.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'll buy you some more.

BrittanyThisIsYourSister wrote: Brittany, this is your sister. I stole a bunch of your make up and put it on! Plus I am wearing a thong. Pretty soon I'll be way more mature than you! I can't wait to grow up!  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Listen. One day you stop playing with your toys. You forget how to imagine like you used to. I think that's what I miss most about being a kid. Even though you're super annoying and try to hack into my blog account, I wish you could stay this age forever. Don't be in such a huge hurry to grow up, but just know you can always come to me for advice. That's a word from the wise.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: What the hell are you talkin' about, Brittany? Being grown up means you can drink until you can't see straight! I pissed my pants just thinking about it!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Damn, April. You just have to ruin everything don't you?


	34. Comments

**Title: You Can't Hurry Love but You Can Hurry Brittany Because Her Mom Is Impatient**

**Brittany S. Pierce here, don't have a lot of time. My mom's waiting in the car for me so we can go to my Cousin Randy's house for the weekend. I'll try and give you full updates from my phone soon, but for now, comment!**

* * *

(130 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

BadNewsBrittany wrote: I tyioped thios weoth myyy nosdde  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Not even I can interpret that.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Clearly she said Rachel Berry is the most talented person in glee club  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Actually she said, "I typed this with my nose."  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I think that's the most impressive thing you've ever done, Sam.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: That's right Sam!  
- LysdexicSam wrote: well… it made perfect sense in my mind.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brit-Brit, I loved that Michael Jackson song we were listening to yesterday  
- SuspenderMan wrote: PYT?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Rock With You. Not that it's any of your business.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: We really did rock the night away

JizzyJacob wrote: What oldies song currently describes your feelings and/or situation right now?  
BadNewsBrittany wrote: This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) by Natalie Cole or I Hear A Symphony by the Supremes  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Easy – The Commodores.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Okay okay. Brit-Brit you didn't have to text me from Randy's… I choose Someday We'll Be Together by the Supremes  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: My Guy… Mary Wells. Well, that would be my song. If only I had a boyfriend… preferably one named Finn.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: I'll Be Around by The Spinners  
- PuckerUp wrote: LET'S GET IT ON… MARVIN GAYE. HE'S THE MAN.  
- LysdexicSam wrote: Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Ain't Too Proud to Beg (For Tots)… you know, the remix  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Where Did Our Love Go – Diana Ross  
- LysdexicSam wrote: I change my mind. Mine is BAC by the Jackson 5. I mean… ACB. BCA? No… that's not right either. ABC! That's it.  
- HummelNotHummus wrote: Just One Look – Doris Troy  
- IWasBornAWarblinMan wrote: Reach Out I'll Be There! It's in my natural key. Oh, I can picture it now. With the other Warblers backing me up and some glorious step choreography. Not to mention our uniforms. The uniforms, I tell you!

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, your song selections were so romantic  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: heh, yeah… about that… I was actually talking about Lord Tubbington.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hey Brittz, remember that time I pretended to be Lord Tubbington when I wrote into the school newspaper?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Lolz yes.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: 35 Bontempo Road… that's where I'm squatting again, in case you were wondering, sugars! If ya swing by with chicken wings, I got a class of wine with your name on it! Two if you bring ranch dressing! Haha! No seriously… I'm bribing you kids with alcohol. Show up soon. I'm hungry. Puck, I can expect to see you there, right?  
- PuckerUp wrote: SURE. I'LL JUST BRING MY LADY FRIEND, LAUREN  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: That'll cost ya. I want BBQ sauce as well. And maybe some breadsticks.  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Not so fast, Puckerman. What kind of wine are we talking about? The kind that's too French for you to pronounce or the three dollar bottle of Arbor Mist from Walmart?  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: The boxed kind, of course!  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: We're in.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: April, how many times do I have to tell you not to- wait! Did you just say breadsticks? From Breadstix? I'll be there with a wheelbarrow full of them. Save me the first glass. I don't care if it's in a Solo cup!  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: See, Santana? And you thought you had nothing in common with April.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Why do they sell Solo cups in packs? Isn't that a contradiction?

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You're back from Randy's! I missed you.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: So clingy… Gosh… JK. I was only gone two days… but I missed you too!

Finntastic5 wrote: Puck, what's your favorite phrase?  
- PuckerUp wrote: THUG LIFE  
- Finntastic5 wrote: What if you drank a lot of coffee?  
- PuckerUp wrote: MUG LIFE  
- SuspenderMan wrote: What about if you liked dogs a lot?  
- PuckerUp wrote: PUG LIFE  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: What if you had boobs?  
- PuckerUp wrote: JUG LIFE  
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: What if you moved really slowly?  
- PuckerUp wrote: SLUG LIFE  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: What if you were an insect?  
- PuckerUp wrote: BUG LIFE  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: That's not my favorite Pixar film, but it's okay I guess.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Nip slip!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz you've had more nip slips than the Duggars have kids.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: You say that like it's a bad thing

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Why did nobody tell me about Bontempo Road?  
- QueenQuinn wrote: Because we already had a party pooper.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Hey! It's not my fault the wine was already gone by the time I got there  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Yes it is. You could've gotten there sooner.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You whined enough as it was, Finn. Get it? Wine… Whine? Ha.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Sandra from Oakcrest Realty be damned, that was the best squatter party since that time I snuck into Graceland and made myself cozy with Elvis' ghost in the Jungle Room!

InfinityGoldStars wrote: No one ever invites me to these things and sometimes it really pisses me off. I am psychic though, so I predict I'll be a socialite when I live in New York. Like Blair Waldorf without Gossip Girl. Or Serena. Or Dan. Or Chuck. Or Nate.  
- HummelNotHummus wrote: That's not much of a show then. By the way, I wasn't aware that you watched Gossip Girl.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: I don't. I looked it up on Wikipedia.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I like One Tree Hill… It's too bad they're cancelling it. But at least I can die happy now. Well, hopefully not for a really long time.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: So Schmachel, I've been wondering this for a while now. How exactly do you get negative points on a Glist?  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Well whoever made it must have a vendetta against me. So that means… Well, it means there's a long list of people who could've done it. Sunshine didn't go to McKinley back then so that eliminates her. At that point you and I weren't exactly rivals, but we did have a mutual dislike or each other, so I'm going to say tentatively that it wasn't you.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: If it were me you'd have a lot less than negative five points.

LysdexicSam wrote: Santana, uh, it's Sam. Can I visit the twins now?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: What twins might you be referring to?  
- LysdexicSam wrote: You just want to make me say it, don't you?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'm waiting…  
- LysdexicSam wrote: The set that lives on your ribcage.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You forgot rambunctious, but close enough.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Nip slip again!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: It's not a nip slip if you pull your clothes down on purpose.

MChanganator wrote: Brittany, if you had to go into the Witness Protection Program, what would you want to change your name to?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Britney. Since I got over my fear of being compared to Britney Spears.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: You'd change your name from Brittany to Britney? I think you have to make it something completely different.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: How would you know, Tina Cohen-Chang? If that's your real name.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: What do you mean if that's my real name? Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Sounds kind of made up to me. Like maybe you know what it's like to have to start all over in a new town with a new life and a new name, if you catch my drift.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: Brittany, you've known me since like first grade. You convinced that kid to cut off all my hair on Valentine's Day when he asked you for advice because he liked me.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: It could've happened before first grade.  
- MChanganator wrote: You are denying it an awful lot, Tina.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: I'm NOT in the Witness Protection Program  
- PuckerUp wrote: I DUNNO. THAT'S TOTALLY SOMETHING SOMEONE IN THE WPP WOULD SAY.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Sam, Angelina Jolie called. Your lips are officially bigger than hers so she's suing.  
- LysdexicSam wrote: You have big lips too!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: How dare you insult my luscious lips? If you thought the Wrath of Khan was bad wait until you see the Wrath of Santana!

PuckerUp wrote: SPEAKING OF LIPS, BRITTANY DID YOU SHARE YOUR LIPSMACKERS WITH COACH BEISTE?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: No. Why? Did she taste like Dr. Pepper?  
- PuckerUp wrote: NO I DIDN'T KISS HER. HER LIPS JUST LOOKED EXTRA SHINY TODAY.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Maybe she has her own Lipsmackers. Or maybe she borrowed Sam's Chapstick.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brit-Britz, you look kinda funny with your hair like that.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I woke up like a few minutes ago… quit making fun of me! I will tickle you.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You're the one who wanted to Skype before school this morning… so good luck tickling me through the computer.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Just you wait until I see you in person…  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: oh I'm so frightened! Not! You're the worst tickler ever.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Well you shed worse than Lord Tubbington!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Oh my God that was one time! And my mom bought me that cheap-ass weave! It wasn't my fault!  
- AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: I know all about them weave troubles. Believe.

HummelNotHummus wrote: Thought I saw a little bit of stubble this morning. Turns out it was just lint.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Rachel will probably have facial hair before you will. Just sayinnn'

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Quinn, I heard there was a sting operation going on at Dudley Road.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: What? I live on Dudley Road… how did I not hear about this?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Yeah. Turns out your mom was running a prostitution ring. I'm guessing you have no idea how many strangers had sex in your bed.  
- QueenQuinn wrote: You're such a liar and a bitch, Santana.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession.

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany that was… an interesting date.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: What happened? Did you break up? Did you cry, Fartie? Is it on camera?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: No… nothing like that. We saw a comedian in Columbus and I heckled the opening act. Then I made the headliner guy laugh and I got so excited because they say if you make a comedian laugh, you get three wishes.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I don't know if I've heard that one, but continue. What did you say to make him laugh?  
- SuspenderMan wrote: She asked him if he knew what the Washington Monument was really for.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: And then I said it's a dildo for giants!  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I don't think he was expecting that. But I already made my first wish. Now I'm just waiting for it to come true.

JizzyJacob wrote: Brittany, your column is so popular that Principal Figgins has decided to let you read the morning announcements over the intercom! He just told me today. He said he tried to find you, but you kept avoiding him by ducking into the bathroom. He figured he could follow you in there, since you went into the men's room, but he thought that might be a little creepy.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Silly Fig Hands. The morning announcements are for kids. I'm interviewing for a summer intern position at the Lima Times. I sent them a bunch of my articles already. But I guess maybe I could be persuaded if he lets me have free reign over what I'm announcing.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Finn, I saw you doing that crossword puzzle with a pen. Come on.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: So? I'm really good at those things.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Come on. Really? You're trying to tell me you're some sort of puzzle savant?  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Crossword, Sudoku, Rubik's Cube, Jigsaw. You name it, I solve it.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Well damn, you should probably alert the government. We might see World Peace during our lifetime!  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You're being facetious, aren't you?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Yes. Yes I am.

QueenQuinn wrote: Rachel, you should probably bring back the pantsuit. It was such a good look for you.  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Oh great. You're being facetious as well.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Rachel, when is the next Renaissance Club meeting? I want to show them my crossbow since the Archery Club said I couldn't bring it.

IWasBornAWarblinMan wrote: This sure is nice, getting to interact with all of Kurt's friends at McKinley.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: All right, if any more of you Warbnerds decided to join in on my best friend's blog, I will shut this whole operation down!


	35. Didgeridoo

**Author's Note: About a year ago I started reading fanfic because shows tend to leave a lot of questions unanswered, as was Glee's case. So then I decided to write one of my own. This one wasn't my first, but it was always my favorite. My goal was to make people laugh and thanks to your many kind reviews, I feel fairly confident that I succeeded. However, now it's my turn to leave some loose ends. This might be my last update for a while. Maybe ever. I'm not one to divulge a lot of personal information, but I think you deserve to know this. I have an autoimmune disease and lately it's been increasingly harder to manage. And all the other stresses in my life aren't a good combination. So unfortunately, as much as I love writing, I think I need a break… at least long enough to get healthy again or straighten out my priorities. Or something. Thank you for everything, really. It's my most sincere wish to come back.**

**Love,**

**Lulu**

* * *

**Didgeridoo and Santana Too!  
By: BadNewsBrittany and her BFF BossyBitchyBangin  
**No Quinns allowed! Or Aprils! Or Arties! Or Lord Tubbingtons!

Hey losers. Santana here, as if you didn't know. This is the rundown. Jacob Ben Israel, notorious gossipmonger at McKinley, was given what appeared to be a particularly painful patriotic wedgie today by none other than the jocks. Perhaps it was at my request, but why bother you with the details? Also going on: Sam Evans has big lips. I'll let you know if this changes. Don't think about getting too close trying to inspectz them though, because I will annihilate you. April Rhodes was spotted running away from Miss Pillsbury's office with a bottle of hand sanitizer because she's that desperate for a buzz. This has started a craze at WMHS that has Principal Figgins going nutso. So how drunk can YOU get without getting caught at school?

**Thanks for that smokin' hot intro, Tana. Hey, maybe you should join the newspaper! That way we can spend more time together.**

Brittz, we already spend a ton of time together. And no offense, but I am not about to join the newspaper staff. The rest of the year I am focusing on being on top. That way I'll still be the baddest bitch at McKinley even though I'm no longer a Cheerio.

**That includes dating Sam, huh?**

Yeah. He's a loyal subject…. I mean boyfriend. But most importantly, I took him away from Quinn.

**I don't follow your logic sometimes… I know a way better way to make people jealous.**

How's that?

**Me. I make everybody jealous. Everyone either wants to be me or be with me. I thought everyone knew that…**

Hmmm… maybe you really do give the best advice.

**I also play a mean didgeridoo, but I don't think Mr. Schuester will allow me to play it for the glee club. It's a shame.**

Maybe the world isn't ready for your didgeridoo skills, Brittz.

**I don't understand why not. It's so popular Down Under.**

I can think of some other things down under you might be good at.

**Like cricket? Or boomerang…ing?**

Sure, let's go with that.

**What if I sang opera? Then do you think Mr. Schue would be so impressed he'd let me play my didgeridoo? Or do you think I'd have to rap?**

What if you did an opera/didgeridoo/rap mash-up? I would sell tickets for that. And I'm pretty sure if you did it half naked the entire student body would gladly pay.

**I dunno if Artie would like that though.**

Sure he would. Uh, he's at AV Club right now, isn't he?

**Yeah.**

Okay. Well maybe we could take a break from blogging for a few minutes.

**Right. You grab the Drain-o and I'll grab the uh… pipe cleaner.**

Oh that's the code…. Gotcha.

* * *

**Hey guys sorry about that! We are back. The good news is that my sink is now… unclogged.**

It sounds so gross when you say it like that.

**Umm… I don't know how else to say it. Because we weren't really plumbing.**

Good point…

**Anyway it's almost March which means that my parents will make me do spring cleaning and I hate that. Mom can be nosy and she'll snoop through my stuff and it'll be worse than that time Lord Tubbington almost choked on a condom. Last time my mom went through my closet she found that picture of me and Santana flashing Puck in the hot tub.**

Yeah. I couldn't look her in the eye for a week after that.

**You didn't seem to have a problem staring at other stuff instead! Lol**

Whatever. Screw you.

**;) that's all I'm gonna say.**

Have you ever notice that you've never blogged with your boyfriend? Nor have you expressed any interest in doing so.

**He… he's not the biggest fan of it anymore… He doesn't like what some people say on here.**

AKA me, right?

**Yeah. I think he might boycott it from now on.**

Just as long as you don't give it up because of him. He can dislike it all he wants but if he tries to make you quit, come tell me, okay? Because I will always blog with you, Brittz.

**Oh my goodness that is the sweetest thing ever! I know you would just die if I ever shut this blog down! I can't thank you enough! Can we go make pudding?**

How about if we start to bake cookies from scratch, but really eat the dough instead? Then we can go ding dong ditch Mr. Ryerson.

**That works too. Okay guys, you know the drill! Comment!**

* * *

(48 Comments – **Post a New Comment**)

Finntastic5 wrote: One time I rode a donkey  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: An ass on an ass, how fitting.

MChanaganator3000 wrote: Whoahaha.  
- LadyDemonTina wrote: Mike, are you okay?  
- MChanganator3000 wrote: Yeah. My mom made chicken feet salad for dinner and it made me think of you. That's why I was laughing.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: It was kind of a creepy laugh… At least it appeared that way on my blog.

InfinityGoldStars wrote: I can't remember the last time someone sang me a song in glee club.  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Well last semester I was going to sing _Free Fallin'_ for you, until I got to the line about "loves Jesus"  
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: I'm not sure whether I should be offended… The line about "loves her mama" comes before that!  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: If Finn had performed that song, I would've walked out of the room the second he referred to himself as a bad boy.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Ditto. No offense, Finn.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: There's a thong sale at the mall! Wahoo! Even though I don't wear underwear very often…  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: The first time I wore a thong, you were still in diapers! Haha.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I tried to convince my parents to let me wear thongs, even as a baby. But they said I had to at least wait until I was potty trained. I think_ thong_ was actually my first word  
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Really? Mine was _Franzia_! That really happened.

BurtsGotGuts wrote: Brittany, I loved when you had Kurt on your blog. He misses you guys so much at McKinley  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Aww you're welcome, Burtle Turtle. By the way, whatever happened to that bear that was supposed to be at your wedding?  
- BurtsGotGuts wrote: Huh?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: The ring bear. Ringing any bells? Haha that was a clever joke.  
- BurtsGotGuts wrote: I dunno. But I am making burgers later and you're more than welcome to come. We can listen to Mellencamp and talk about motocross. Carole loves having you over.

HummelNotHummus wrote: Brittany, I thought we talked about how weird it is that you're friends with my dad  
- Finntastic5 wrote: Yeah. And my mom likes you too. It's strange.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Five words for you both: Oh yeah… Life goes on  
- BurtsGotGuts wrote: Long after the thrill of livin' is gone  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Score one for team Burttany!

SuspenderMan wrote: Santana, how many times did you drive by my house with your middle finger in the air before my mom called the cops?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: You have no proof that was me. By the way I thought you were boycotting this damn thing.  
- SuspenderMan wrote: You know what? It's probably a good idea if I do continue to follow it. That way Brittany will hopefully quit going along with your crazy schemes.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: She can do whatever she wants. It's her decision and for what it's worth, she's the one who comes up with most of those so-called "crazy" schemes. She didn't take part in flicking you off, though. She wanted me to moon you instead.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: I'm proud of you for using words and not fists, Santana.  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Thanks. But I did punch my door.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: Artie, I have a joke for you. What cell phone service do people in wheelchairs use?  
- SuspenderMan wrote: I don't know… what?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: M-Mobile!  
- SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, I don't know how to tell you this, but that's offensive.  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Santana said you'd like it…..

PuckerUp wrote: HEY BRITTANY, I'D DIDGERI- DO YOU… AGAIN  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Ohhhh. I'm busy that evening. I have to wash my cat.  
- PuckerUp wrote: I DIDN'T MENTION A TIME OR PLACE  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: I'm booked solid, sorry.

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Puckerman, expect a bag of flaming dog shit on your porch for that.  
- PuckerUp wrote: WHAT A WOMAN :)

BadNewsBrittany wrote: One time when I was drunk I was flipping channels and I thought I saw the Shawshank Redemption on Nickelodeon, but then I thought _that isn't right.  
_- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: What if they had used women instead of men?  
- BadNewsBrittany wrote: Then it would be the Shawskank Redemption! Lolz. See what I did there, Santana?  
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Yeah, you added a Z to LOL.

JizzyJacob wrote: Patriotic Wedgies… I'll never look at that flagpole the same.

BadNewsBrittany wrote: This is a bigger mess than that time we switched those signs around so they said _right lane must turn left _and_ left lane must turn right_.


	36. March 2011

March 2011

Brittany S. Pierce  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Staff Writer

This lovely month of March, the staff of the Gazelle has decided to give you the inside scoop on all of its writers. Now, we all put our names into a hat and randomly selected someone and the craziest thing happened. I picked my own name. I was supposed to put it back and pick another one, but I figured since I am basically still an editor (Jacob demoted me months ago, but the joke's on him. I paid Azimio forty-four cents and a jelly bean to write about how Jacob eats bellybutton lint) I could totally get away with it!

Oh right I'm supposed to write a really short description about myself! I like dancing, glee, celibacy (the word, not the practice of the… word), cats, CATS, kittens, caterpillars (but mostly because it has cat in it), and igneous rocks. I also forgot to mention my best friend, Santana. She's the most talented person at this school. Except for me.

* * *

Jacob Ben Israel  
By: Azimio Adams  
Staff Writer

Nerdy little cyber geek that eats bellybutton lint. What do you mean that's a fragment? Ok… Jacob is a nerdy little cyber geek that eats bellybutton lint and has a date with the dumpster and needs a good knuckle sandwich with a side of ball bustin' not to mention it's been a while since I slushied the lovechild of Rita Skeeter and Art Garfunkel. What do you mean that's a run-on? What the hell! I did not join newspaper for this. I wanted an easy A and my own cubicle so no one could see me scratch my jock itch. You think I care the whole school might see this? You can all suck it because I'm forty-four cents richer. I already ate the jelly bean. Now I've said my piece.

* * *

Becky Jackson  
By: Jacob Ben Israel  
Editor-In-Chief

Becky is a sweet girl who enjoys aiding our very own Coach Sylvester in her plan for world domination. She also plays a mean xylophone. She is capable of performing a citizen's arrest, as I have witnessed firsthand.

* * *

Azimio Adams  
By: Brett  
Staff Writer

Every day when Azimio takes my pot money… I mean lunch money, he always talks about Mark Harmon and how much he enjoys NCIS. So I checked it out. It's not that bad when you're stoned… I mean… bored?

* * *

Brett  
By: Becky Jackson  
Staff Writer

That kid walks into class every day smelling like The Chronic Lady. Also, Coach Sylvester told me not to trust gingers. No one seems to know his last name… not even him.

* * *

Advice  
By: Brittany S. Pierce  
Advisor

Since I was voted the most popular columnist in America, people tend to ask me for advice. Here's my general advice for everyone: Get a cat! And uh, make sure they're spayed or neutered. That's the best advice I've ever been given by Bob Barker. So, if The Price is Right, next month be sure to send me your questions!

_Finn Hudson wrote: Hey Brittany. What should I be when I grow up?_

First of all, Becky would just like me to tell you she says hello Finny Bear. Second, you know how companies have spokespersons? I have the perfect product you should pitch. It's called Vagisil. Have you heard of it? It's for yeast infections. I bet if I saw you on tv telling me to go out and buy some, I would. But if you want options, consider being a Jeep Cherokee. Or a headband. Or you could be like that guy that juggles chainsaws at the mall. Or maybe you should be the rest of a fish because you already have the fin(n). Then you could be Free Willy. Or Shark bait. Something like that. I would suggest being the next Oprah Winfrey, but that is my goal in life so don't you dare steal it! If worse comes to worse, you can always be Gossip Girl.

_Mike Chang wrote: Brittany, who do you love more: Charity or Lord Tubbington?_

Wow. That is a tough call. If I had to choose, I'd say Lord Tubbington because sometimes I kind of forget about Charity and neglect her, kind of like my little sister. I always forget about her too. My sister thinks she's really cool, but she's not. She only gets new underwear on Christmas morning and it comes in six-packs! I can buy new undies whenever I want although I don't ever wear them.

Lord Tubbbington is a fine feline. He's been my cat for years and years so I am super attached to him. He's totally the peanut butter to my jelly! Oh wait… that leaves Santana out. Never mind. Santana's the peanut butter, I'm the jelly, and Lord Tubbington is the bread that keeps us together! I don't know where we'd be without him!

_Anonymous wrote: I have to say, I'm a huge fan. So much that I even stalk you a little._

Jacob? I can see you typing this from across the journalism room.

_Principal Figgins wrote: Brittany, stop including full page ads for Unicornicopia at the mall. That place went out of business four years ago. Also, I enjoy your daily interpretation of the morning announcements._

Okay thanks a lot for making my advice column lame now, Principal Figgins. Now nobody's gonna ask me for my opinion ever again. I'm too depressed to answer more questions.

_Santana Lopez wrote: You left your ice cream that you bought at my house. And… maybe a little mouse ate it. The point is I am willing to buy you some more. So basically if you want to hang out after school and go get some more, I wouldn't object. But only because a mouse ate your ice cream._

A little mouse or someone even more adorable? Because it sounds to me like maybeeee you ate it. But it's totally okay! And I forgive you. Plus you didn't say I couldn't put this in my advice column. So I put it in here because it was the best question out of all the ones I got! It's probably the best question I have ever been asked ever! Lately you want to hang out all the time which is totally cool and fine by me! I'll see you after school!

* * *

**And as a special treat, I decided to give y'all a sneak peak of my WIP. It's called Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien. Keep your eyes peeled! It's way different than anything else I've ever written. It's dark.**

_"All rise for the Honorable Eva Landenberg Strammond," the bailiff announces._

_Justice Strammond takes her seat. "Santana Lopez, you stand accused of murder in the first degree for the death of Arthur Abrams. How do you plead?"_

_I look her dead in the eye and declare, "Guilty by means of insanity."_

_Even though I'm not. Crazy, that is._

_I'm one hundred percent guilty._

**Pique your interest? I am looking for an experienced beta. Normally I don't use one, but I really want to make this worth remembering! If you're interested, feel free to PM me. I've written about 60-70 percent already.**


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